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THE PASHA PAPERS. 



THE PASHA PAPERS. 



EPISTLES OP 



MOHAMMED PASHA, 

KEAK ADMIRAL OF THE TURKISH NAVY, WRITTEN FROM NEW YORK TO 
FRIEND ABEL BEN HASSEN. 



®rait5lat£lJ into ftusIo-Stmcricait from ilt Qbxi^iml iHauuscri'i't-?. 



TO WHICH ARK ADDED 



SUNDRY OTHER LETTERS, CRITICAL AND EXPLANATORY, 
LAUDATORY AND OBJURGATORY, FROM GRATIFIED OR 
INJURED INDIVIDUALS IN VARIOUS PARTS 
OF THE PLANET. /"^ 



j /r^. ^ >M^ 



NEW YOEK: 
OHAELES SORIBNER, 124 GRAND STREET. 

LONDON: SAMPSON LOW, SON & CO. 

MD.CCCLIX. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by 

CHARLES SCRIBNER, 

In the Clerk's Office of the Bistrict Court of the United States, for the Southern District of 
New York. 



W. H. TiNsoN, Stereotyper. 



" My business in the State 

Made me a looker-on here." 

Measure for Measure. 



' I pity the man who can travel from Dan to Beersheba, and cry, 'Tis all barren." 

Sentiment.u. Journey. 



" A duel's amang you takiu' notes." 

Captain Grose's Peregrinations. 



- " A tnrbaned Turk 
traduced the State." 

Othello. 



[Feom the Translatoe.] 

Dear Puechasek: 

Perhaps you have heard of the State 
of Glenwood. Perhaps you have not. 

Geographically, the State of Glenwood may 
be described by saying that it is situated on the 
eastern bank of the Hudson Eiver, and that 
Yonkers lies about one mile, and 'New York (a 
place of considerable importance) about eighteen 
miles, below it. 

But spiritually, its domain is broader. It is 
an ideal State, an imaginary Pepublic, a Kealm 
founded on the hopes of men. It stretches its 
territory from Portland to San Francisco, from 
St. Paul to Galveston, wherever there are some 
who love the ideal, cherish abstract notions of 
Bight, and yearn towards a nobler social and 
political life for our country. 



Vlll THE PASHA PAPERS. 

When these tliouglitfnl people grow weary of 
the selfishness of busmess, the heartlessness of 
fashion, or the hypocrisy of party strife, they 
retire into this happy, hopeful State of Glen- 
wood, and wish that the United States could be 
just such a land. For, in the Republic for 
which they hope, fair as the dreams of Plato, 
or the Pantisocracy of Coleridge, there are no 
invisible police, no sea-sick pavements, no 
brown stone statues of Washington, no bad 
grammar, no Common Council, no pugilistic 
Congress, no primary meetings, no venal press, 
no federal patronage, no Mrs. Grundy, no Dr. 
Heliotrope, no need, greed, vain-glory, or self- 
ishness. But on the contrary, there are men of 
large heart and keen, loving vision, and sweet, 
sincere women (called foolish and visionary by 
some), who conspire to vitalize society, to 
advance Justice, to promote veracity, to foster 
cheerful conscientiousness, to cement friend- 
ships, to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, 
make the State continually a little better, 
nobler, "more blessed, less accursed." Toge- 
ther they laugh, toil, hope, aspire ; and they 
are eminently successful — ^for the State of Glen- 
wood is, after all, only an ideal State, and 



THE IDEAL. IX 

success, ill imagination, is the easiest thing in 
the world. 

A Society of genial persons, under the mystic 
title of P. B., have within the last two years 
taken possession of the geographical centre of 
Glenwood, as above defined ; elected a goodly 
nmnber of imaginary officers, executive and 
legislative, (the Judiciary is not elective, Zaus 
Deo !) organized an imaginary army ; equipped 
an imaginary navy ; promulgated a wise code 
of imaginary laws ; built a fabulous number of 
imaginary churches ; waged a successful imagin- 
ary war against Dobb's Ferry ; inflicted condign 
imaginary vengeance on the Government of 
Tubby Hook, in return for certain imaginary 
insults to the sloop that sails bi-weekly from 
the Port of Yonkers under the guardian 
bunting of Glenwood : — while during the in- 
tervals of rest from such labors they have 
made several millions of puns, and kept up a 
series of semi-monthly meetings for literary 
purposes. 

It is not surprising, therefore, that the Rear 
Admiral of the Turkish Navy, when entreated 
to give to the American Public the letters which 
were " never intended for the public eye," 



X THE PASHA PAPKRS. 

wliicli were of no special interest to tlie literati 
of .Constantinople, and but for the " importuni- 
ties of friends " would have been still locked up 
in the writing-desk of Abel, son of Hassan — 
should have bethought himself to send the 
manuscripts for translation to your obedient 
servant, the subscriber; knowing as the Pasha 
did, that however insignificant the subscriber 
may be as an individual, he is in his ofiicial 
capacity entitled to large respect and unbounded 
confidence, being Chief Justice, Secretary of 
State, and Ex-Worshipful Grand Punster, of 
Glenwood. 

The letters, as fast as they were received from 
their author, were accordingly translated and 
submitted to the Society of P. B. for criticism. 
By the order and with the sanction of this 
gifted Body, a number of the epistles were 
published in that excellent journal the JEvening 
Post / and with the same high approval, they 
are now given entire, in more permanent form, 
to that portion of the Enlightened Public who 
read new books. 

A large number of letters have, from time to 
time, been received by the Translator from 
persons whose attention has been attracted by 



THE PKOCEEDS. XI 

the Pasha's observations — and some of these are 
appended by way of commentary. 

It is proper to remark that the profits of this 
work will be devoted to an object of which a 
constitutional modesty forbids the mention, but 
which is to the Translator quite as interesting as 
the purchase of Mount Yernon. 

The Teanslatoe. 

Glenwood, April, 1859. 



.1 



A PKEFACE BY THE REAR ADMIRAL. 
[copy.] 

Inestimable and Ineffably Learned Translator : 

Thine epistle, requesting that I, thj 
wretched slave and prostrate captive, would 
write a something to be prefixed to thy transla- 
tion of my totally vile and utterly worthless 
epistles, has been duly received and contents 
noted. 

After profound deliberation, considering that 
a preface is as essential to a book as a portico to 
a palace, and there being in thy free and enlight- 
ened country as many diversities of taste con- 
cerning prefaces, as there are concerning por- 
ticos, or public morals, I have concluded to 



XIV CHACUN A SON GOUT. 

allow the readers of your priceless Translation to 
fill up, for themselves, the following lines, as the 
fancy of each may dictate : 



^ 7f 

f 


J 5 


* 




11 

xt — 



f I , ! ! ! - 

* * * 



? 



Thy willing bondsman, 

and docile dromedary, 

Mohammed. 

Stamboul, March ^t\ 1859. 



EXPLANATORY NOTE. 

In" attempting to translate, into practical, methodical 
English, the following letters of Mohammed Pasha, writ- 
ten to a doting friend, and suffused with an Oriental glow 
of feeling, not unlike the mellow radiance of the rising 
sun, I feel that I have undertaken a difficult task. 

The Bear Admiral was reared in the land where the 
cypress and myrtle are emblems of deeds that are done in 
their clime ; where the rage of the vulture, the love of the 
turtle, now melt into sorrow, now madden to crime. 

The Translator was born and bred in the State of Kew 
York, where the Erie Canal is considered a fine effort of 
the imagination, steam and electricity the greatest of 
forces, and the purchase of ready-made clothing a desir- 
able method of saving time and money ; and where the 
love of the turtle melts into sorrow, only when there is a 
total absence of that delicious reptile. 

Hence, there is not entire sympathy between the Trans- 
lator and his Translatee. 

Again, the chirography of the Bear Admiral is what 
may be termed, in the language of Mrs. Malaprop, decid- 
edly "ineligible." — So much so, that when I first gazed 
upon his manuscripts I acquired no clearer ideas than those 
which are communicated to my mind by the mysterious 
inscriptions on the tea-chests in South street. But Indus- 



XVI EXPLANATOEY NOTE. 

try supplies the lack of sympathy and unravels the snarls 
of cMrography. In accordance with a time-honored cus- 
tom, the Translator will therefore say, that he has prepared 
himself for his task by the most thorough study ; and to 
give a faint idea of the manner in which his investigations 
have been conducted, he appends a list of a few of the 
authorities which he has carefully consulted. 

LIST OF AUTHORITIES. 

Specimens of the Garbling of Letters by the Majority of 
the Trustees of the Dudley Observatory. Albany, 1858. 

RoUo in Rome : By Jacob Abbot. Boston, 1858. 

Rules and Orders of the Court of Chancery of the State of 
New York, with Precedents and "Writs, Orders and Bills of 
Costs. Albany, 1844. 

Analyse des Pandectes de Pothier, en Francais, servant aussi 
de Table Analytique et Alphabetique des Matieres, egalement 
applicable au Digeste : Par M. Moreau de Montalin, Avocat. — 
A Paris, 1824. 

An American Dictionary of the English Language, containing, 
etc., etc.; to which is Prefixed an Introductory Dissertation on 
the Origin, History, and Connection, of the Languages of 
Western Asia and Europe. By Noah Webster, LL.D., Member 
of the American, etc., etc. Springfield, 1855. 

The Congregational Hymn-Book. Boston, 1858. 

The Democratic Age. Statesmanship, Science, Art, Litera- 
ture, and Progress (!) Edited by C. Edwards Lester. Vol i., 
No. 1, October, 1858. 

Catalogus Senatus Academici et eorum, qui munera et officia 
gesserunt, quique alicujus Gradus Laurea donatl sunt, in Col- 
legio Bowdoineusi, Brunsvici, in Repubhca Mainensi. Bruns- 
wick, 1858. 

The New American Cyclopasdia ; a Popular Dictionary of 
General Knowledge. Edited by George Ripley and Charles A. 
Dana. Vol. i. A Araguay. New York, 1858. 



EXPLANATORY NOTE. XVU 

Doctor and Student ; or, Dialogues between a Doctor of 
Divinity and a Student in the Laws of England. By William 
Muchase, Gent. London, 1518. 

Pinnock's Improved Edition of Dr. Goldsmith's History of 
England. Philadelphia, 1846. 

Comic Blackstone. By Gilbert Abbott a Becket. London, 
1850. 

Documents of the Board of Councilmen. New York, 1854. 

Cool as a Cucumber. A Farce. New York, 185*7. 

The Past, Present, and Future of the City of Cairo in North 
America. Portland, 1858. 

Spurgeon's Gems ; consisting of Brilliant Passages from the 
Published and Unpublished Sermons of Bev. C. H. Spurgeon. 
New York, 1858. 

Die lonier vor der ionischeu Wanderung, von Ernst Curtius. 
Berlin, 1855, 

La Turquie, et sea differents Peuples. Par Henri Mathieu. 
Paris, 1858. 



I migM extend this list indefinitely, but consideration 
for the reader urges me to forbear from any further display 
of erudition. If, however, any person is desirous of perus- 
ing the titles of the remainder of my authorities, they 
may be found in the new catalogue of the Astor Library. 

An impertinent acquaintance lately asked me whether I 
had learned the Turkish Language before undertaking this 
work of translation. I refused to answer his question, 
and, as he had no earthly way of compelling me to reply, 
the question remains unanswered to this day. It does not 
require a reply. It is leading and irrelevant. There is ho 
evidence that the Pasha wrote his epistles in Turkish. 
But suppose he did, and suppose the Translator does not 
understand a word of that tongue— what then? Did I 
not write a scathing review of Mr. Buckles' History of 
Civilization without ever having read a' word of that 



XVIU EXPLAI^ATOET NOTE. 

remarkable volume ? Have I not often criticised a new 
play without seeing it performed ? And shall I hesitate to 
translate these letters merely because I do not happen to 
understand the language in which they were written? 
The insinuation of that impertinent acquaintance is " too 
trifling to be confuted, and deserves only to be mentioned, 
ihat it may be despised." * 

The Teanslatoe. 

* William Pitt, Sr., per S. Johnson, atCy. 



COJSTTEJSTTS 



THE FIRST EPISTLE. 

PAGE 

The Rear Admiral arrives in Town — The First Day's Pro- 
ceedings ■ 25 

THE SECOND EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral Visits the Opera — His Impressions of 
American Women there — Six Ways of Getting Posi- 
tion in New York — Biography of a Merchant Prince. , 85 

From T. C, a Philosophical Historian 43 

From G. S 48 

THE THIRD EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral considers Young Women — A Brief Ser- 
mon with a Briefer Commentary 5Y 

xix 



XX CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

From Mr. T. Spoon 65 

From C. E., an Amiable and Confidential Young Gentle- 
man 67 



THE FOURTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral expresses his Opinion in regard to the 

Press— The Weekly Press— The Daily ditto '73 

From a Dyspeptic but Thoughtful Friend 79 



THE FIFTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral discourses about Vaklable Inventions 
and Discoveries — How to Get Rich at the Public Ex- 
pense 83 

From Mr. Pewter Mug 91 



THE SIXTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral visits Wall Street — He receives Some 

Instruction in the Art of Making Money 93 

Note by the Translator 101 



THE SEVENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral is introduced to Mrs. Grundy — His 

Opinion of Mrs. Grundy 106 

From Mr. B. Hill 117 



CONTENTS. XXI 

THE EIGHTH EPISTLE. 

PAGE 

The Pasha visits the Custom-House, and Discourses about 

the Administration 119 



THE NINTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral visits the Courts — His Opinion of 

Elected Judges — ^About Juries 127 



THE TENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral goes to Church 139 

From W. W. H 149 

THE ELEVENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral accepts an Invitation to Mrs. Coupon's 

Grand BaU 153 

From Mrs. Coupon , 163 

From Tompkins Effendi 166 

THE TWELFTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral contemplates the Town of Boston — 

About Boston Poetry 178 

From a Friend in Boston 187 

From T. Spoon, again 194 



XXll CONTENTS. 

THE THIRTEENTH EPISTLE. 

PAGE 

The Rear Admiral embraces the Doctrine of Manifest Des- 
tiny — He illustrates the Subject 202 

From J. Yoleur, Esq 213 

From Many Readers 220 

Reply to Foregoing 221 

THE FOURTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral notices Mount Yernon 229 

From the Solicitor General op Glenwood 223 

From Mr. H. U. M 239 

THE FIFTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral looks out on Broadway 242 

From a Grumbler 252 



THE SIXTEENTH EPISTLE. 

"Which is not from the Rear Admiral, but, parenthetically, 
from Tompkins Effendi, Avho writes to the Translator, 
on the subject of Conversational Depravity 258 

In Reply 271 



CONTENTS. XXIU 

THE SEVENTEENTH EPISTLE. 

PAGE 

The Rear Admiral has been to Washington — His Theory of 

our Government 2*79 

From the Solicitor General of Glenwood 289 

THE EIGHTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral considers the Code of Honor, and other 

Things 297 



THE NINETEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral weighs Anchor, and writes a few Valedic- 
tory Remarks 308 



THE PASHA PAPERS. 



THE FIEST EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral arrives in Town — The first Day's Proceed- 
ingfl. 

To the well-Beloved, magnanimous, and eminent Abel Ben Has- 
san, Keeper of the Green Seal, Superintendent of the Sacks of 
the Bosphorus, Antelope of my Affections and Dear to my 
Heart. 

In the na]vie of the Pkophet — greeting : 

In accordance with mj promise, O morn- 
ing star of my life, I write to you somewhat con- 
cerning my recent journey to the United States 
of America, a country called by the ingenious 
and truly modest inhabitants thereof, the land of 
the free and the home of the brave. I write 
with a quill plucked from the original American 
eagle, and sold to me by a well-spoken merchant 
in Chatham street, ISTew York, of the name of 
Diddler. 

Our mighty Prophet well says, in the Chapter 

25 



26 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

of Apes, " The- travelled monkey is wiser than 
the monkey that stays at home." I find myself 
greatly enlarged in wisdom and knowledge by 
my trip to the western continent ; and thus feel- 
ing, I long to commnnicate to you, O friend, a 
portion of the treasures of my experience. I 
know we are told in our Alcoran (Chapter of 
Chickens), that it is ]3reposterous to attempt to 
instruct the mother of one's father in the art of 
extracting by atmospheric pressure the contents 
of eggs, and I can believe that such a task would 
be an ungrateful one ; but I also know that you 
are of a docile as well as spirited disposition, and 
will thankfully receive as well as skillfully use 
such hints from American life as I may commu- 
nicate. 

It was a fine afternoon in February 1858, (I 
compute time after the manner of the infi- 
dels), when the steamer having on board your 
friend, arrived in the bay of 'New York. The 
sun was just setting in the west, in much the 
same style that he sets in our beloved Turkey. 
The view was fine. On the right lay the island 
where the Governor of the United States'^ is said 
to reside ; in front we saw the city of New York, 
with much shipping and many minarets ; while 
on the left was stretched the coast of ISTew Jersey 
• — a semi-barbarous country, nominally under 
the jurisdiction of the United States of America, 

* Not a very bad blunder for a European tourist. — Trans. 



OF NEW JERSEY. 27 

but in reality governed by a band of chiefs 
called, in their corporate capacity, "The Camden 
and Amboy Railroad ComjDany." On inquiry I 
have learned that New Jersey is j)rincipally 
used as a cricket-gronnd by the neighboring 
States, and that its j^rincipal productions are 
cider, shrimps and pearls. These commodities 
are brought in large quantities to the markets of 
this metropolis, and there bartered for mosquito 
netting, anti-bilious pills, and such other articles 
as may be, to the inhabitants of ISTew Jersey, 
prime necessities of life. 

On arriving at the wharf and leaving the 
steamer, 1 was surrounded by a number of well- 
disposed American citizens, who offered, in the 
kindest manner, to take me to any portion of the 
city in their own carriages. Declining their 
generous offers, I threw myself into the arms of 
the Committee, a trio of great men who had been 
appointed by the Divan of the city to welcome 
me to its municipal hospitalities, and I was 
speedily conducted by these noble civic fathers 
to the largest caravansary in the town, the St. 
Nicholas Hotel. I was shown to my rooms, 
which were of the most gorgeous description. 
My principal apartment, as I have been in- 
formed, is a bridal chamber, and indeed seems 
admirably adapted for that use, being very ele- 
gant in adornment, and an object of great public 
curiosity. For you must know, O friend of my 



28 THE PASIIA PAPERS. 

earlier days, that tlie Americans are a progres- 
sive people, and have advanced much beyond us 
in their ideas on the subject of nuj)tial rites ; so 
that, far from veiling them in coy mystery, they 
delight to make them a matter of innocent pub- 
licity. 

After kindly inviting me to go down-stairs 
and " take a horn " — a phrase which my drago- 
man interpreted to mean the imbibing of athletic 
fluids forbidden by the Prophet, which invitation 
I was constrained to decline, the obliging Com- 
mittee left me to my slumbers. 

On the following day, at about the sixth hour, 
(called "noon" in the American dialect), I was 
escorted by my indefatigable friends, the Com- 
mittee, to the City Hall, where the rulers or 
Divan of the city are accustomed to meet. Most 
delightfid, friend of my bosom, is variety to the 
human soul. And as in the parched desert the 
traveller, astride a much-jolting camel, is pleased 
to see a green oasis, so in a fertile island like 
Manhattan, ^er contra^ it is goodly to behold a 
little desert, like the Park, in which stands the 
temple of law and justice, to which I was con- 
ducted. In front of the building is erected a 
statue of the Father of this Country, of the most 
touching, I might say, imposing character. I 
deduced from its appearance that the great man, 
like Belisarius, was in his later years smitten by 
blindness, and reduced to poverty. He is repre- 



CONCERNING KULERS. 29 

sentecl by the artist as holding out his hat and 
imploring charity from passers-by. 

The fact that he was thus reduced in his old 
age is a fresh and convincing proof of the ingrat- 
itude of republics, while his present higli posi- 
tion in the esteem of his countrymen is a striking 
specimen of the revenges of history. 

And while I linger in memory around the 
precincts of the City Hall, I cannot refrain from 
expressing my admiration of the sagacity exhi- 
bited by the people of this great city, in the 
choice of their rulers. In the tyrannical and 
degraded countries of Europe, the governing 
classes are unhappily selected from among those 
whom birth and education, combined with the 
refining influence of social amenities, have ren- 
dered haughty, polite, and euphuistic. But in 
'New York the electors have wisely considered 
that the business of government is a very low and 
unprofitable one, and they therefore select their 
municipal rulers from among the menial classes, 
and compel them to serve their constituency 
without pay. In this manner, persons who are 
practically acquainted with vice and degradation 
of all sorts, are placed in the position of suppress- 
ors of vice and degradation, and as it seems to 
me are well qualified for the task — (for what says 
the Book in the Chapter of Swindles ? " There is 
no trap for a robber like a thief.") And thus, 
moreover, a large number of emigrant-runners, 



30 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

baggage-smashers, ticket-speculators, policy deal- 
ers, and rum-sellers, are removed from their 
disreputable occupations and placed in the Board 
of Councilmen, where, as in a model-discipline 
prison or house of refuge, they may reform their 
habits and become ornaments to society. I 
mention these facts simply as proofs of the 
eminent sagacity of the people among whom I 
have been sojourning. 

At the City Hall I was entertained by some 
of the most distinguished men in America, as I 
was informed. Each of these great personages 
made a speech, which I presume to have been 
redolent with eloquence, like to that of Haroun* 
al Kashid ; and I therefore regretted much that I 
did not understand the American language. In 
the translation made by my interpreter, I am 
constrained to say, that the sentiments of these 
eminent orators seemed somewhat common- 
place. 

Tlie addresses having been finished, I was 
graciously invited by one of the Committee of 
Keception to partake of an extemporaneous col- 
lation at his own expense, an invitation which I 
accepted with much pleasure. Judge of my 
gratiiication when I found that he had provided 
ham sandwiches for the feast. Thus, my friend, 
was I enabled to partake of the delicious flesh 
of swine, which the strictness of our religious 
scruples at home had hitherto prevented me 



SPIRITS AND TAilMANY. 31 

from tasting. Spirituous beverages were also 
provided, of which I imbibed a small quantity. 
They were, in taste, not unlike the turpentine 
of commerce ; but I am informed that their 
effects are highly beneficial, since they so 
harden and pave the throat, that the most 
lengthened displays of eloquence, for which 
the Americans are somewhat famous, do not 
injure the voice. 

Having heard much of Tammany Hall and of 
its beneficent and powerful influence upon the 
politics of the metropolis, I requested to be con- 
ducted thither ; in which desire I was speedily 
gratified. With great truth does the sage Ali 
remark, in his letter to the Blessed Fatima : " A 
kitten which has been scorched by the fire is 
often better in soul tlian in semblance." This 
observation applies with force to the place where 
the sachems of Tammany are wont to assemble. 
For, instead of a stately and wholesome edifice, 
in which, as in some temple of learning or areo- 
pagus, wise men might sit to instruct the people 
in philosophy and wisdom, I found a sufliciently 
dirty building, in which the principal business 
of the occupants seemed to be to sell stimulating 
drinks of the most powerful sort. 

Judge of my surprise when I was told that 
the establishment, so far from being an abode of 
rowdyism, bribery, and rascality of every kind, 
as some malignants have slanderously asserted, 



32 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

was in reality, intended for purely charitable 
purposes. I will copy for your edification a 
portion of the law, passed April 9, 1805, by 
which the society was incorporated : 

" Whereas, William Mooney and others, inhabitants of the 
city of New York, have presented a petition to the legislature, 
setting forth that they, since the year 1189, have associated 
themselves under the name and description of the Society of 
Tammany, or Columbian Order, for the purpose of affording 
relief to the indigent and distressed members of the said asso- 
ciation, their widows, orphans, and others who may be found 
proper objects of their charity, and therefore solicit that the 
legislature will be pleased to incorporate the said Society for the 
purposes aforesaid, under such limitations and restrictions, as to 
the legislature shall seem meet. 

" Therefore, be it enacted, by the people of the State of New 
York, represented in Senate and Assembly, that such persons as 
now are, or shall from time to time become, members of the 
said Society, shall be and are hereby ordained and constituted, 
and declared to be a body corporate and politic, in deed, fact, 
and name, by the name ' The Society of Tammany, or Colum- 
bian Order, in the City of New York ;' and that by that name 
they and their successors shall have succession, and shall be 
persons in law capable of suing and being sued, pleading and 
being impleaded, answering, and being answered unto, defend- 
ing and being defended in all courts and places whatsoever ; and 
that they and their successors may have a common seal, and 
change and alter the same at their pleasure ; and that they and 
their successors by the same name, shall be persons capable in 
law to purchase, take, receive, hold, and enjoy, to them and 
their successors, any real estate in fee simple, or for term of 
life or lives, or otherwise, and any goods, chattels, and personal 
estate, for the purpose of enabling them the better to carry into 
effect the benevolent purpose of affording relief to the indigent 
and distressed, provided the clear yearly value of such real and 
personal estate shall not exceed the sum of $5,000." . . . 



33 



I do not find that the members of the Colum- 
bian Society have ever wrought any large 
number of deeds of charity ; though from the 
well-known combativeness of certain of the mem- 
bers, it is quite likely that some of them have 
been worthy objects of eleemosynary hospital 
treatment, and may have left more than a nor- 
mal number of widows and orphans. But virtue 
is in the habit of remunerating herself, and 
dressed in the saintly robes of charity, these 
devoted sachems have acquired great influence 
in the town. They have built this hall, wherein 
the great and good men of the city (called in the 
American dialect Vhoys) delight to meet and 
discharge their duties as citizens by selecting the 
candidates for whom it is proper that the Dear 
People should vote. So accustomed are the 
b'hoys to meeting at Tammany Hall, that admit- 
tance to its charitable precincts has become a 
test of political virtue and integrity, and thus 
the sachems or directors control, in a great mea- 
sure, the destinies of New York, not by virtue 
of authority, but by the mere force of their own 
sweetness and benevolence of character. In- 
deed, so potent is their influence, that it is consi- 
dered the duty of every upright man to vote for 
the Devil Incarnate, in case the sachems should 
so direct ; but every one knows that they are too 
pious ever to propose as a candidate so disreput- 
able a person — to say nothing of the fact that 
2* 



34 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

the Devil Incarnate is understood to have no 
desire for office in New York. 

In my next epistle, O Abel Ben Hassan, I 
shall present to you some account of the opera, 
an amusement to which I was conducted during 
the evening of this eventful day. Till then, 
farewell ! 

Mohammed. 



THE SECOND EPISTLE. 

The Rear-Admiral Visits the Opera — His Impressions of Ameri- 
can Women there — Six Ways of Getting Position in New- 
York — Biography of a Merchant Prince. 

To the Superlatively Excellent Abel Ben Hassan^ Nightingale of 
my Darker Hours. 

After leaving the City Hall, which I visited 
in the manner described in my last letter, I 
returned to my lodgings and smoked my clii- 
boque till evening, meditating much on the 
greatness and glory of the Western Hemisphere. 
At seven o'clock or thereabouts, my indefatiga- 
ble friends, the Committee, again appeared, and 
kindly consented to escort me to the opera, an 
amusement or spectacle to be attended at the 
Academy of Music. Arrived at this temple of 
melody we were shown into a private box, which 
was admirably adapted for the purpose of seeing 
the audience, and being seen by them. This 
mutual inspection, I am told, is the principal 
object to be attained by visiting the Academy. 
I cannot repress my admiration at the inge- 



o'o THE PASIIA PAPERS. 

nioiis nature of the opera — to me a musical nov- 
elty. It appears to be a representation of human 
life and passion in a strictly original way ; though 
by means of established formulas, which, when 
familiar, readily explain to the hearer the other- 
wise mysterious plans of the dramatist. 

A tenor is always an unfortunate lover, and, 
like all lovers, immensely self-conceited. 

A soprano is a pale and theoretically beautiful 
maiden, with a stern parent, a proclivity to bal- 
conies, moonshine and tears, and a resolute deter- 
mination to have white flowers strewn over her 
early tomb. 

A baritone is a villian of cut-throat visage and 
massive muscles, who persecutes the unhappy 
couple aforesaid. 

A basso profundo is either a villian of more 
consummate rascality, or a servant of low but 
humorous cunning, or a soldier of deep lungs 
and strict morality, just as the composer may 
deem expedient. 

A contralto is either a peasant girl who knows 
nothing, a gipsy who knows everything, or a 
page of tempting appearance, whose business it 
is to do as little as possible for the benefit of 
society, and as much as possible in the way of 
mischief. 

The chorus is a collection of very ugly but 
quite harmless persons of both sexes, who are 
alternately dejected and delighted, as the princi- 



THE OPEKA. 37 

pal cliaracters are sad or merry, and who mani- 
fest their emotions by a small number of chords, 
and a large number of discords. They also inci- 
dentally explain such portions of the plot and 
action of the opera as would otherwise be 
entirely incomprehensible. 

In the meantime the orchestra play the part of 
commentators with uncommon skill. Is the 
soprano weary of the world? The flutes and 
hautboys sob and sigh. Is the tenor gradually 
arriving at the conclusion that this world is a 
Sahara with but one oasis— or that he has not 
loved the world nor the world him? The violins 
and cornets wail and pout with melodious woe. 
Does the contralto take pleasure in informing 
her stalwart persecutor that he has just burned 
his own brother? The violoncellos and trom- 
bones unite to express the astonishment of the 
bereaved party. Is the muscular villain prepar- 
ing to make all good angels weep ? The ophi- 
cleides, and double and contra-b asses, give notice 
of his diabolical designs by groans and hisses, 
and curses deep and loud. Is confusion, moral 
and social, prevalent upon the scene? The 
entire force of the instrumentation is employed 
to give the hearer a lively idea of the wreck of 
matter, and the crush of worlds, and chaos comes 
again. 

Thus, O Abel Ben Hassan, you see with what 
natural and pleasing pictures of human existence 



38 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

the Americans are accustomed to regale them- 
selves at the corner of Fourteenth street and 
Irving Place. 

The opera which I had the pleasure to see is 
called " The Huguenots ^^ and the principal inci- 
dent is the massacre of one sect of Christians by 
another. One of the Committee was good enough 
to explain to' me the plot, and to give me an 
interesting sketch of the origin and progress of 
tlie religion of his country. From his remarks I 
gathered that it is founded on a surprisingly sim- 
ple, yet, to me, novel princi]3le, namely " perse- 
cution." The central spring is the doctrine that 
"the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the 
church ;" and the more, therefore, you persecute 
sincere believers or sincere unbelievers, the more 
they will increase, and thus the more will sin- 
cerity, honesty and conscientiousness flourish. 
Thus the orthodox church people of the first cen- 
tury persecuted and finally killed the Founder of 
Christianity. In consequence of their exertions, 
his followers increased in an astonishing manner, 
so much so that they were soon powerful enough 
to persecute one another, to the great additional 
increase and edification of the persecuted. The 
Latin church persecuted the Greek church, and 
the Greek church persecuted the Latin church, 
and each waxed more powerful in consequence. 
The Arians persecuted the Trinitarians, and the 
Trinitarians returned the compliment. Later still 



HOT STAKES AND COLD CHOPS. 39 

the Catliolics burned John Hnss, and then Prot- 
estant Calvin retorted by roastmg Dr. Servetus. 

A little later the Liquisition in Spain, and the 
friends of Catherine de Medicis in France, con- 
tinued the good work ; and, later yet, the Epis- 
copal Church of England dragooned to death the 
Covenanters of Scotland. The Puritan Fathers 
were persecuted from England to Holland, and 
from Holland to America, and then replied by 
persecuting the Quakers and Baptists from Bos- 
ton to Roxbury, and from Roxbury to Rhode 
Island. At this day,* even, I am told that in the 
Park street Church, in Boston, a number of 
worthy men are wont to pray that a divine of 
different views may either be made to adopt 
their own sentiments, or else be removed to the 
other world ; or in other words, that Allah will 
play the part of persecutor, which the unfortunate 
laws that prevail at present in the commonwealth 
of Massachusetts prevent them from assuming. 

When I consider, my dear Abel Ben Hassan, 
that among the early traditional doctrines of the 
Christian church, love to God and man, freedom 
of thought, the brotherhood and equality of 
humanity, and the Golden Rule, are somewhat 
prominent, I must confess that this little sketch 
of my acquaintance struck me as a very curious 
thing among the many remarkable matters in 
this wonderful country. 

* March, 1858. 



40 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

Conspicuous among the spectators who gazed 
at each other at the opera, were many of those 
delicious moon-faced creatures, the ladies. I of 
course observed them closely, and I am bound to 
say that they were good-looking, and quite 
generous in the display of their charms. Their 
style of dress is by no means so protecting as 
that of the females in the dominions of the Sul- 
tan ; and, indeed, I should judge from the cut of 
their garments that the climate in America is, as 
a general rule, warmer than in the Oriental 
countries. 

I am given to understand that the people of 
'New York have greatly improved upon our 
method of disposing of these lovely beings in the 
matrimonial market. For instead of being 
struck down by their fathers at public auction, 
like the beautiful females of Caucasus, they are 
disposed of by their mammas, at private sale, to 
the '' object in trowsers" who has the best posi- 
tion. This word "position" is somewhat diffi- 
cult of definition, but I am told that a man may 
get a position in ^N'ew York in several ways, of 
which the following are a few : 

1. He may speculate successfully in real 
estate. 

2. He may wax fat in a pecuniary way by 
vending patent medicines. 

3. He may have a rich father. 

4. He may have a rich mother. 



A "IKIiCilANr PEIXCE. 41 

5. He may have a wealthy and consumptive 
maiden annt. 

6. He may be what is termed " a merchant 
prince." 

I have been furnished with a brief sketch of 
one of these princes, which I will copy for the 
benefit of my friends in Constantinople. 

" He was born at Huddletown, Connecticut, 
in the year 1802. By the time he was ten years 
old (and very old, indeed, he was at that time of 
life), he had made one hundred and sixty-five 
bargains, barters, and dickers, in shoe-strings, 
peg-tops and jack-knives, and had amassed the 
sum of five dollars and fifty-three cents. At the 
age of eleven, he entered the store of Grab & 
Ketchum, in his native town, and continued 
therein as a clerk until he had reached the age 
of fifteen years, and accumulated the sum of two 
hundred and five dollars and thirty-two cents. 
Investing this amount in potatoes and dried 
pumkin, he set sail in a Stonington sloop for 
]^ewYork, and with his entire possessions landed 
at Fulton Market in the year 1817. Since that 
time he has passed through the several profes- 
sions of vegetable purveyor, fish vendor, general 
merchant, bank president and solid man, and is 
now considered a magnate and a millionaire. He 
was never indicted for stealing, nor accused of 
infidelity. He was never troubled with an ultra 
idea, never had an unselfish aspiration, never 



42 THE I'ASIIA PAPEES. 

went out of his way to do a charitable act, never 
bothered himself with romance, sentiment or art, 
never spoke two consecutive sentences in a 
grammatical manner, never looked at the stars 
over his head or the flowers under his feet. He 
is now fifty-six years of age, bald, bilious, and 
not especially amiable. He has just built him- 
self a large brick house, veneered with brown 
stone, and furnished it with satin wood and bro- 
catelle, and hung the walls with paintings, evi- 
dently by very old, and indeed quite decrepit 
masters, and set up a carriage. He has achieved 
a fine social position, and is now considered a mo§t 
desirable match for any virgin in New York." 

You must admit, my friend, that the foregoing 
is a description of a most desirable husband, one 
who would not be fond or foolish, but quite sen- 
sible ; who would snore rather than sigh, and 
will leave a handsome fortune whenever it shall 
please death to remove him from his- present 
sphere of duty and usefulness. 

I have some observations concerning the life 
of young women in 'New York, which I must 
reserve for another epistle. Till then, thine 
faithfuUy. 

Mohammed. 



[Feom T; C, a Philosophical Histokian.] 

London, England, 

12 January, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir: Dimly through the outward envi- 
roiiment of Ottoman education shines the light 
of the Highest from the soul of the Turk Moham- 
med. For in his epistle concerning the opera, 
amid much gossip of flirts and fribbles, and 
endless squalling of singers, masculine, feminine, 
and neuter, I find flashes of keenest vision 
piercing through Semblance into the midst of the 
everlasting Yerities. . Not a learned man is the 
Pasha (or Bashaw), nor deeply read in the history 
of the church, as compiled (O Heavens!) by 
Dryasdust, Smelfungus and others ; yet, in the 
little that he writes of the strange persecutions 
of the ages, touches at least of Infinite Wonder 
and Pity, better than all knowledge of the statis- 
tical sort, are seen. 

Truly tragical, yet not altogether w^ithout 
somewhat of savage Ludicrousness, are the stories 
that we read in History (vaguely so-called) of the 



4:4: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

manner in wliicli our fellow featlierless bipeds 
liave tried, by exercise of brute power, to fetter 
tlie religious thought of other featlierless bipeds ; 
as if the relations between the soul of the man 
and the Divine Soul were not of all relations 
most individually sacred. 

Sometime in the early part of the twelfth 
century, met at Soissons, a town quite famous in 
the dusty records of medigeval times, the Collec- 
tive Wisdom and Assembled Piety of the Gallic 
Cliurch, presided over by a legate sent by the 
Pope, Bisliop of Kome, Holy Father of all the 
world, and Yicar of Him who w^as a babe in 
Bethlehem. Thither came also Peter Beranger, 
better known as Abelard, philosopher, poet, 
lover, scholar, summoned before this Congregated 
Sagacity, to answ^er the charge of having denied 
the doctrine of the Trinity. Abelard swiftly 
refuted the charge by proving that he had advo- 
cated this doctrine in his owm writings. Then 
the majority of featherless bipeds lifted up their 
voices, and condemned him, because he, being 
nothing but a man (created, O bipeds, in God's 
image !), had dared to reason at all about the 
ineffable mystery ; and ordered that he should 
burn his books and retract his errors. What 
says the historian? 

" While Abelard looked sadly on his burning roll, the silence 
of the judges was suddenly broken, and one of the most hostile 
said in an under tone that he had heard that God the Father 



ABELAED. 45 

alone was omnipotent. Amazed, the legate rejoined : ' I cannot 
believe it. Every child knows that the universal faith of the 
Church declares that there are three omnipotent beings.' On 
this a scholastic teacher, Thierry by name, laughed, and repeated, 
in a loud whisper, the words of the Athanasian Creed : ' And 
yet there are not three omnipotent beings, but only one.' Re- 
proached for this untimely and irreverent remark, he boldly 
paraphrased the words of Daniel in the Apocryphal story : 
' Thus, foolish sons of Israel, without examination or knowledge 
of the truth, ye have condemned one of your own brethren. 
Return again to the place of judgment, and condemn the judge 
whose own mouth has condemned him.' Then the archbishop, 
rising, justified as well as he could, in other language, the 
legate's idea, and endeavored -to show that, as the Father, Son 
and Spirit were all omnipotent, whoever departed from this 
position ought not to be listened to. But if the brother ad- 
mitted this, he might explain his faith in their presence, so that 
it could be finally pronounced what portion was true, and what 
portion false. At this apparent change of affairs, Abelard took 
courage and hope. He thought of Paul before the Areopagus 
and the Jewish council. If he could only speak, all might be 
saved. His enemies saw his plan — promptly parried it — cried 
out that all he needed to do was to repeat the Athanasian Creed, 
and to forestall his plea that he did not know it by heart, thrust 
a copy of it before his eyes. His head sank, he sighed, and in 
broken accents read what he could." 



And some four centuries after, we find another 
Collected Wisdom and assembled Pietj, of a 
possibly different name, yet entirely similar 
spirit, meeting at Geneva, to try the case of 
Michael Servetus, of whom the Pasha speaks, a 
Spanish Doctor, man of Science, investigator of 
Kature, discoverer, as some say, of the circulation 
of the blood. This Iberian Harvey was, of 



46 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

course, condemned by his fellow featlierless 
bipeds ; and tliis is liis sentence, wliicli we read, 
not without some moisture of the eyelids : 

" Sentence of Death passed upon Michael Servetus, by the Syn- 
dies of Geneva on the 1'lth of October, 1553. 

"We, Syndics, judges of criminal causes in this city, having 
seen the process drawn up before us, at the instance of our 
Lieutenant, against thee, Michael Servetus, of Villanueva, in the 
kingdom of Arragon, in Spain, whereby, and also by the volun- 
tary confessions made in our presence, and repeated several 
times, and by the books produced before us, it plainly appears 
to us that thou, Servetus, hast long ago put forth a false here- 
tical doctrine ; and that, slighting all remonstrances and reproofs, 
thou hast, with a malicious and wicked obstinacy, continued to 
spread and publish it, so far as to print books against God the 
Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, in short, against the true 
foundation of the Christian religion, endeavoring to cause a dis- 
turbance in the church of God, Avhereby many souls might have 
been destroyed and undone (a thing horrid and dreadful, scan- 
dalous and infecting), and that thou hast not been asliamed nor 
afraid of rising up against the Divine Majesty and the Holy 
Trinity, doing thy utmost endeavors to infect the world with 
thy heresies, for these causes and others moving us thereunto, 
desiring to clear the church of God from such an infection, and 
to cut off such a rotten member, having consulted our citizens, 
and invoked the name of God to give a right judgment, sitting 
in the place of our ancestors, having God and his Holy Scrip- 
tures before our eyes, saying : In the name of the Father, and 
of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, by this our definite sen- 
tence, which we give in writing, we condemn thee, Michael 
Servetus, to be bound and carried to the place called Champel, 
and there to be fastened to a post, and burnt alive with thy 
books, both written with thy own hand and printed, till thy 
body be reduced to ashes ; and thou shalt end thy days, to give 



AJSrOTHER JUDGMENT. 47 

an example to others who would do the like. "We command 
you, our Lieutenant, to cause our present sentence to be put 
in execution." 

And presently Time, in very unpleasant way, 
pronounced the accusations against philosophic 
Abelard and scientific Servetus to be of the 
great family of lies, whose father is Satan ; — and 
Death in unceremonious style seized the Assem- 
bled Piety, Collective Wisdom, Congregated 
Sagacity, Legates, Popes, Bishops, Teachers, 
Syndics, and all, and bore them away to a some- 
what higher Judgment-seat than w^as ever erected 
on this home of featherless bij)eds. Whether 
they have lain howling while Abelard and Ser- 
vetus have sailed past as ministering angels, is a 
question which I, as mortal, do not wish to dis- 
cuss, much less in any form to decide. Only 
knowing, that their decrees have long since 
passed into the limbo of the everlasting i^o, — 

I live on, Yours ever. 

T. 0. 



[Feom G. S.] 

Chicago, March 4, 1869. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

My dear "W" : I floated to tliis enter- 
prising city clay before yesterday. "When I say 
floated^ I write advisedly. The mud of a west- 
ern prairie in the month of March is deep 
enough to float the Great Eastern. In Hibernian 
parlance, the roads of Illinois have an excellent 
bottom, when you get to it. The trouble is to 
get to it. Hie labor., hoc opus est. Indeed it is 
seriously proposed in the financial circles of 
Chicago, to run a line of steamers from this point 
to La Salle, over the prairies ; and if the stern- 
wheel boats that are said to run easily on a heavy 
dew, are used — I do not see why the enterprise 
should not be as remunerative as the Collins Line. 

Happening to read lately the second letter of 
Mohammed Pasha, in w^hich he refers to his visit 
to the opera, I was reminded of my experiences 
in searching for amusement here. 

I visited last evening, that gorgeous tem]3le of 

48 



TRAGEDY AND TEUTONS. 4:9 

the German Melpomene, the " Chicago Stadt 
Theater." On arriving at the box-office of the 
establishment, I purchased a ticket for a modest 
place in the parqnette, and fell into conversation 
with the check-taker. 

" Can you tell me," said I, " the names of the 
more celebrated tragedians of this company ?" 

" I should prefer that mein Herr should lis- 
ten attentively to the play, and judge for him- 
self." 

" But I haven't time. I may not remain but a 
few moments, and I should dislike to leave with- 
out seeing the bright particular stars." 

" Well, sir ; we consider Frau Kinkle the best 
actress in the known world, in her especial line." 

" And what is her especial line ?" 

'' Tragedy, sir — ^high tragedy ; and among the 
gentlemen of 'the troupe, Herr Hofer is most 
eminent." 

So with this I took my seat in the front of the 
parquette, between two Teutons, one of whom 
was very large and the other very small. I had 
hardly begun to warm my cushion when the 
curtain rose, and the lovely Frau Kinkle stood 
before us. She was very tall, and may have been 
rather pretty about the time the late United 
States Bank was chartered. Her complexion was 
still striking, being made up of a fine stratum of 
pure white chalk overlaid about the cheeks with 
a couple of cii-cular patches of lovely rouge. 
3 



L. 



50 THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

The theatre was quite small, the seats so arranged 
that the entire audience seemed about to fall 
headlong into the orchestra stalls, and the ceiling 
of the stage was therefore very low. Frau 
Kinkle's intellectual head nearly touched that 
ceiling, and her symmetrical body was almost as 
hiffh as the baronial castle on her left, and con- 
siderably taller than the ancestral oaks upon her 
right. 

Frau Kinkle was the Bertha of the tragedy — 
a tragedy that might have been written about 
the year 1805, in the palmy times of Kotze- 
bue. 

As the curtain rose upon the first act, she was 
soliloquizing about fate, foreknowledge and free 
will ; and, as maidens ever do, she said a good 
deal to herself about her prospects for a husband. 
It was evident that the society of her father, the 
great Count Bobolinski, did not entirely satisfy 
her feminine nature. 

Enter Herr Ilofer, dressed in the legitimate 
costume of a very illegitimate but particularly 
fascinating bandit. Black velvet cap, white 
plume, star-spangled jacket, and, in continua- 
tion, very red leggins. Herr Hofer is the Max 
Cutandthrustki of the play. He gazes a 
moment at Bertha, falls in love with her at first 
sight, and courts her " from the word Go." The 
maiden returns his afi'ection in a surprisingly 
rapid manner, and they fall into each other's 



A SINGLE COMBAT. 51 

arms, eacli rapturously kissing the l^ack of the 
other's neck. Yoila ! Enter the Coimt Bobohn- 
ski, with baronial pride and rage depicted in 
every feature. He draws his rapier and thrusts 
at Max, in quarte, who gracefully parries the 
thrust, and returns in tierce. A neat single 
combat ensues, to the regularity of which the 
orchestra contribute by furnishing the time. 
Max disarms the Count, and sends liis rapier 
flying into the top of one of the ancestral oaks, 
where it would probably have lodged if the oak 
had not been merely painted on a flat. 
CoTJxXT. " Yillain, peasant, slave !" 
Max. " I am nor slave, nor peasant. I am 
nobly born, though I haven't the faintest idea 
who my father is. Poor, I am indeed, but brave 
I hope. My trusty sword I use with skill ; as 
you may possibly have observed. 

Count. " Come to my arms, brave youth!" 
Tableau, 

And thereupon Count Bobolinski, perceiving 
that Max does not get a vulgar living by agri- 
cultural pursuits, but on the contrary supports 
himself genteelly by cutting throats, joins the 
hands of the young lovers, and prays the blessing 
of Heaven on their youthful love. 

And down goes the curtain on the first act, 
and the orchestra strike up a chorus from Martha. 

I turned to the large weak-eyed German on 



52 THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

my right to ask some questions about the plaj, 
but he was too deeply lost in philosophic thought 
to reply. I therefore questioned the lively in- 
tense little fellow at my left, as to the plot of the 
tragedy. 

" Oh, yes, I have seen the play. Saw it in 
'New York a year ago last February. It was 
very touching ; I cried all the time." 

So I made up my mind to be profitably sad- 
dened by the sorrows of Max and Bertha, and 
meantime the curtain rose. In an English play, 
the first act would have been the last, and the 
future hapj)iness of the lovers would have been 
left to the imagination ; but the Germans, mark 
you, are more profound. They know that young 
people may be engaged and fall into each other's 
arms, and yet not be perfectly happy for the 
remainder of their lives. 

Second Act. Scene a rocky glen, at least 
three feet wide, and ever so deep with perspec- 
tive paint. Romantic robbers lying about in 
picturesque positions, strumming guitars, eating 
sandwiches, and drinking colored water out of 
tall glasses. As rough a party of ragamuffins as 
you could wish to see on the stage, or not to see 
in real life. Otto, who seems to be Yice-Presi- 
dent of the bandits, makes a powerful speech. 

" Max, our brave captain whom as a child we 
stole, has stolen himself away. Where he has 
gone we know not. During his absence little 



EXCITING. 63 

has been done in the way of plunder. The 
burglarious exchequer is frightfully low. We 
must attack forthwith the lofty castle of the 
Count Boboliuski, seize his spoons and other 
valuables, and after satisfying our desires, distri- 
bute the surplus, if any, among the virtuous 
poor." Grand chorus of approval in which the 
orchestra joins. 

Third Act. Best parlor in the castle of the 
Count. Great excitement. A faithful retainer 
has brought news of the intended attack. A 
large army of supernumeraries in gorgeous attire, 
which is anything but uniform, who receive no 
salary from either the Count or the Manager, 
but fight and play for the glory of the thing, and 
play very badly, are rushing about wildly and 
running against each other. Enter the Count in 
a fine frenzy. The blood of the Bobolinskis is 
up. 

Count. " The ancestoral honor of my lordly 
house shall never be distained by ruffian vio- 
lence. Bring me my boots, bring me my trusty 
sword, with which in Hungary's wars I slew a 
thousand Turks !" 

The sword is brought, a very long sword, a 
very heavy sword — a sword gifted with great 
powers of rattling in its scabbard — with which 
the Count rushes up and down the scene, to the 
great terror of the little girls in the balcony 
and the infinite delight of the boys in the upper 



54 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

tier. The descendant of all the Bobolinskis then 
stalks away. 

A terrible scene follows between Max and 
Bertha. Her sire is in danger. Max knows 
Otto, the Yice-President, too well, and privately 
believes that the Count will stand no chance at 
all. Amid the conflict of emotions in his manly 
bosom the curtain descends. 

Fourth Act. Terrific scuffle just ofi* the stage. 
It is deemed proper that the fighting sliould take 
place behind the scenes, not only because the 
stage is too small for a respectable battle, but 
because a fine scope is thus afibrded for the 
imaginations of the audience. Presently the 
orchestra strikes up a dead-march, and as many 
as a dozen soldiers enter, six of whom bear the 
Count upon a litter. A large patch of vermilion 
on the left breast of the great man, indicates that 
he has been severely wounded. He makes a 
brief address, abounding in fine similes and plii- 
losophic reflections, and then communicates to 
the audience the startling fact that while he was 
fighting with Otto, and had well-nigh van- 
quished that athletic scoundrel, Max, the treach- 
erous villain Max, " to whom I gave mee child," 
had stepped from behind a tree and shot him 
(the Count). Enter Otto who cries in a stentor- 
ian voice. 

"Count Bobolinski, Max is thy son, who, 
when a babe, w^as stolen from thee !" 



A PHANTOM. 55 

This is too miicli for Bobolinski ; lie utters a 
brief but striking string of imprecations and dies, 
and Bertha and the curtain fall together. 

Fifth Act. A churchyard with the family 
tomb of the Bobolinskis, in just about as good 
repair, apparently, as the vault at Mount 
Yernon ; and near it stands a very German bier, 
in which are placed two pillows wrapped in a 
white sheet. Max rises from the prostrate posi- 
tion in the back-ground, advances to the foot- 
lights and soliloquizes. Accursed Fate, that 
rules this stricken planet, has led him blindfold 
to destruction. He did not mean to kill the 
Count, his father, or father-in-law, as the case 
may be, but meant to slay the ruffian Otto. 
'Twas a clear case of accidental homicide. "Alas, 
alas ! the power of Destiny drove me like a helm- 
less ship before a northern blast : drove me to 
slay my sire, and almost marry my sister. But 
who comes here ? — it must be, — Bertha ! meine 
Bertha ! '' Max strikes an attitude. The maiden 
advances. Max explains his mistake, says he 
did not willfully slay, the Count, and begs his 
sister — aha — to take him to her arms. She beck- 
ons him to come — ^lie flies to her dear embrace. 
Good gracious, why does his face grow pale as 
ashes, his limbs relax, his eye wander strangely ? 
The figure speaks in hollow tones : 

"I am not your Bertha. I am the Avenging 
Spirit of the Bobolinslds. Your Bertha is dead, 



56 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

killed by the grief you caused her. Her body 
lies in yonder bier !" 

Max looks at tlie two pillows wrapped in the 
white sheet, and falls dead. The Avenging 
Spirit of the Bobolinskis sails away to slow 
music, as the green curtain falls. 

I looked at my young friend on the left, to see 
if he were dissolved in tears ; but, strange to say 
his eyes were dry as the little finger of Pharaoh's 
mother's mother's mummy, and he was hum- 
ming a lively air from Der Freyschutz. 

How repetition of scenic woe hardens the heart ! 

G. S. 



THE THIED EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral considers Young Women — A Brief Sermon 
with a Briefer Commentary. 

To the Delicious Abel Ben Hassan^ Morning Star of my Life's 
Firmament, 

Befoke I visited this Hemisphere, I supposed, 
from hearsay, that the young women of America 
were particularly intellectual, and painfully 
industrious; that they laid the most ridiculous 
claims to rights of thought and action, almost 
coequal with those of the sterner sex, and that 
they believed in the immortality of their souls. 

I am delighted to report to you, my dear Abel, 
that these opinions of mine were unfounded. 
The young women of America are dear, sweet, 
lovely charmers, exactly like their sisters in the 
land of Turkey. They secretly believe the main 
features of the creed of the Alcoran, and would 
do honor to any Hareem in our beloved home. 
Indeed it is probable that if we could only con- 
trive to make that peculiar institution the fashion 
in Paris, it would soon be popularized in New 
Yoi-k. 

The young women of America — ^if I may judge 
3* 5T 



58 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

from tlie examples I have studied in this city — 
are not portentously intellectual or painfully 
industrious. Quite the reverse, I am thankful to 
say. They have been tanght better. It has 
been laid down as a fixed principle in ethics and 
practice, in this country, that woman has [N'othing 
to Do, unless she may happen by the strictest 
necessity to be driven to do something. The 
public of the city of 'New York, at least, have 
been carefully instructed in this belief. The 
able editors of the Evening Ananias and the 
Morning Whiiiigig have taught the pupils of 
the daily press that "Woman's Kights are a hum- 
bug, and that the chief end of female life is to be 
ornamental in the parlor and prolific in the 
nursery. The E,ev. Dr. Heliotrope, whose influ- 
ence is very extensive in the town, has hurled 
some very sharp texts at all who venture to 
claim for her a loftier career than she pursued 
among the half-civilized Hebrews of ancient 
times. The faithful and exemplary mothers 
who inhabit the regions adjacent to Madison 
Square have, as your correspondent is given to 
know, promulgated the following as the two 
great commands whereon hang all the social law, 
and a considerable portion of whatever profits 
may be found therein, viz. : 

" Thou shalt love a good establishment with 
all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all 
thy mind. This is the first and great command- 



A CUEIOUS FACT. 59 

ment, and tlie second is like unto it : Tliou slialt 
love tliy neighbor just as mnch as is consistent 
with thine entire indolence and thy profitable 
selfishness." 

The dear young creatures themselves frown 
with great indignation on such of their sisters as 
venture to tear aside the veils which disguise 
the little or great iniquities which trouble the 
city, and which may be traced to their origin in 
female idleness. 

And very properly do editors, and preachers, 
and mothers, thus teach, and preach and prac- 
tise. 

"Why, O Abel Ben Hassan, should a woman 
do anything, when it is well known that physi- 
cal, mental or moral exertion will not materially 
increase her chances of beins* well married? 
For to be well married is undoubtedly here, as 
in Turkey, the final object of female life. Is it 
not written in the greatest of Books (Chapter of 
Girls) — " A husband is to a woman as wheels to 
a chariot?" 

In this connection I may say that I have been 
somewhat observant of the customs of a family 
of young ladies, who live in good style in a well- 
built street in the upper part of the city, and I 
select them to be described to you as representa- 
tive women. They have good clothes, good 
looks, good manners, and Nothing to Do. They 
have learned sundry accomplishments, not 



60 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

exactly because accomplislimeiits are goodly as 
a development of tlieir finer tastes, but because 
they are attractive to tliat portion of the mascu- 
line community who may be termed, for want of 
a better phrase — the Universal Augustus. They 
have learned some French, not exactly because 
that language is sparkling and delightful, but 
because the Universal Augustus thinks it plea- 
sant to utter commonplaces in that tongue. 
They have studied music, not because it is the 
expression of all that is harmonious in the outer 
and inner worlds, but because the Universal 
Augustus is accustomed to declare himself 
greatly moved by the concord of sweet sounds. 
"When they were at school tliey were taught 
something of science, but this not being espe- 
cially relished by the Universal Augustus, has 
lapsed into forgetfulness. They are all in society 
now-^four of them— as pretty as the gazelles of 
Afghanistan; and they are preparing traps, gins 
and pitfalls for the Universal Augustus. For 
this laudable purpose, they have JSTothing to Do, 
except to look well. At a somewhat uncertain 
hour of the morning, they array themselves in 
pretty morning dresses. Presently they deck 
themselves in more gorgeous array, and go pro- 
menading in Broadway and the Avenue. For 
dinner they add more ornament to their pretty 
little bodies. In the evening their prettiness 
reaches its culmination. Soon as the evening 



THE SEEDY YOUTH. 61 

shades prevail, the Uniyersal Augustus calls in 
and walks blindfold among the traps, gins and 
pitfalls. There is, of course, Nothing to Do 
except to entertain him, and as he is an amiable 
young man, he is easily charmed. Some little 
songs are sung, some little scandal retailed, some 
very little jokes cracked, and he goes home to 
dream of the pretty ways of the Universal 
Fanny ; and as human nature is much the same 
here as it is in Oriental climes, I presume that 
some day all this will end in matrimony. 

I remember that one evening, at the mansion 
of this Universal Fanny, a certain young man, 
whose name was not Augustus, and who had a 
somewhat solemn and seedy . appearance, ad- 
dressed the young ladies in nearly the following 
language — I will write out his remarks as I recol- 
lect them, in order to give you a specimen of the 
style in which some abstract young men are in 
the habit of talking in 'New York society, just as 
if society would pay some attention to their 
tedious moralizing. He said : 

" Universal Fanny (for I address you collectively), with 
prophetic eye, I see that you will be married some day to the 
Universal Augustus. If he should chance to be rich, you will, 
doubtless, continue to do nothing with the greatest assiduity; 
if he should happen to be struggling with a stout heart to con- 
quer fortune, and make your home happy so far as money can, 
will you be a help meet (that is a help-both-ends-meet), cheering 
him on in the good work, busy as a bee in the little house ? or 
will you be ornamental for a time, and then, as your beauty 



62 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

fades, a mere clog upon his valorous exertions ? Do men marry 
wives only as they would buy pictures and statuary? or do they 
choose them for companions, friends, co-workers in the field of 
daily endeavor and honest ambition ? Anything I might say, 
in regard to the miseries caused by lazy spendthrift wives, 
would (alas!) be very commonplace — perhaps ungallant and 
unworthy of what is somewhat curiously called ' polite litera- 
ture.' But I see my friend, the Universal Augustus, slowly 
sailing around in the whirlpool of your fascinations. He tells 
me, good fellow, of your pretty ways, your kind disposition — 
and I know he is building in the clouds of the future a neat 
little castle, wherein he, with you, will live as simply and hap- 
pily as Cock Robin. I pray he may have a good time ; but why, 
in the name of Dugald Stewart on the Law of Habit, should you 
suddenly change your fashion of Having Nothing to Do, and 
become a dear, little thrifty creature ? I tremble to think of the 
discord that may rack that castellated bird's-nest cloud-built in 
the future ; how he will get pale and feverish ; how you will 
grow to be a mere thorn in his side, and how he will groan 
when he comes to smoke a quiet cigar in my bachelor lodg- 
ings. 

" Furthermore, the Universal Augustus may be a man of fine 
taste. He may have an ardent admiration for fine thoughts, 
noble utterances, whether in art, or poetry, or science. He may 
be pleased to converse of something more enduring than the 
nice nothings that you talk about. Now, when the heyday of 
his honeymoon shall have passed away like a luxurious dream, 
will he find you a companion for his lonely hours ? You may 
be, for you had originally a good enough brain ; but I fear you 
have had Nothing to Do with the culture of such faculties as 
Providence has endowed you withal. 

" And, sweet ladies, my Universal Fanny, I remember a 
proverb which was quoted in my hearing once, by our friend 
yonder, the Pasha : ' Death is a black caynel that kneels at every 
man's gate.'' So, if I were disposed to preach, I might remind 
you of a time when your delicate bodies will be dressed in sim- 
ple grave-clothes, a sort of garment whose fashion does not 



MOEE QUESTIONS. 63 

change every month, and your little vanities, and hopes, and 
rivalries being suddenly nipped, as by frost, your minds, immor- 
tal minds, will go to live that wonderful future life which is 
evidently but a sequel to your present existence, and dependent 
for its character and coloring upon the culture of those minds 
here in the flesh. I could ask you a quite important, nay, alto- 
gether solemn question. If your minds, rusted with idleness, 
dwarfed with inaction, shrunken like unused muscles, have 
Nothing to Do in this world, what can they have to do in the 
immortal Hfe? It is not altogether certain that in that life 
there will be any morning or evening dresses, any milliners, 
polkas, operas, flirtations, or Drs. Heliotrope ; but we may be 
sure that you will find there free scope for your afiections and 
your perceptions ; that beauty more thrilling than mortal eye 
ever saw, and truth more clear than was ever presented to mor- 
tal intellect, and goodness more perfect than ever warmed 
mortal heart, will be there, ready to be recognized by the 
trained eye and purified spirit. But unless you discipline your 
vision here by earnest thought, unless your hearts are touched 
and quickened by genuine sympathies here, what will you have 
to do with the immortalities of science and art, of truth and 
goodness ? Nothing to Do ?" 



When the solemn and seedy young man had 
given utterance to these incoherent remarks, the 
young ladies looked blank, and the Universal 
Augustus looked bored, and I therefore felt 
it my duty to relieve them, by stating my 
renewed conviction of the truth enunciated by 
the Prophet, that woman has no future state. 
"Whereupon the com j) any became reassured, 
and the didactic young man subsided. I flatter 



» 



64: THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

myself that my proposition was a poser to tlie 
youth. 

I have some observations in regard to the press 
of New York, which 1 must reserve for another 
letter. Till then, faithfully and devotedly 
thine, 

MOHAM^IED. 



[From Mr. T. Spoon.] 

YoNKERS, October 31, 1858. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir: I read tlie Eear Admiral's letter 
concerning Young Women, last evening, after 
returning from a little social gathering in this 
delightful town.* While I cannot but admit the 
merit of some of his remarks, I must insist that 
he has not done entire justice to his theme. 

I remember that when I finished the epistle, I 
threw open the shutters of the westerly window 
of my room, and looked out upon the lovely 
landscape. The midnight moon was hanging 
over the Palisades, and letting down long threads 
of light, as if to weave a silver web to reach 
from earth to heaven. A single sloop was brood- 
ing with white wings over the broad, dark river. 
The stars were watching the earth with jealousy. 
There was silence everywhere and peace. And 
as I looked upon the sweetly solemn scene after 
reading the somewhat chilly satire of your Turk- 
ish friend, how could I help idealizing a Woman 

* A champagne supper ? — Trans. 

65 



66 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

after my own heart, with a fair face and honest 
eyes ; with dainty fingers filled to the tips with 
delicate industry, a mind always ready to see 
and know and appreciate, a soul beaming with 
kindness, a heart pulsating with passion, yet 
awful with purity — a woman who would go 
hand-in-hand with one, through joy and sorrow, 
triumph and defeat, even as the blue-eyed 
matron of Germany w^ent to battle w^ith her lord, 
cheering the faint-hearted, nursing the wounded, 
crowding the conqueror. Such a vision rose 
before me, so distinctly beautiful, that I put out 
my arms to clasp it ; but, finding nothing, con- 
cluded to stretch my arms further, as if "with 
weariness, and went to my bachelor bed. 

Tell the crusty Pasha that there is, at least, 
one young woman in America who has Some- 
thing to Do — with my happiness. 
Yours feelingly, 

T. Spoon. 



[FnoM C. E. AK Amiable and Conitdential 

Young Gentleman.] 

Baltimore, 1 January, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sm : I should judge from the remarks of 
the Eear Admiral concerning Young Women, 
that he never met my cousin Fanny, in his pere- 
grinations about ]^ew York. It cannot be that 
he has seen her : for, if he had, he never would 
have expressed such sentiments, but on the 
contrary would have taken her as his Eepre- 
sentative Female, and exhausted his powers of 
rhetoric in laudations of the fair sex in America. 

I may state, by the way, that she sent me 
the Pasha's third epistle, w4th the remark that 
since its appearance she had resolved to changed 
her name to Betsey. She does not choose to be 
classed with the Universal Fanny. 

Shall I tell you something about her ? "Won't 
pretend to describe her, for she is indescribable, 
but will just give you a few hints. 

In the first place she is a lady, by birth and 



68 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

education — a great thing in this country where 
demagogues try to ignore the laws of I^ature, as 
exhibited in the hereditary transmission of the 
virtues. For three generations at least — ^no need 
to go further back than that — her ancestors have 
been Christian gentlemen and ladies, and now 
that the family tree has been thus growing in a 
vigorous healthy way for some hundred years, 
she has bloomed upon it, like the fair flower of a 
century plant. 

She is beautiful, as a matter of course. Her 
eyes — upon my word I can't tell you their color 
exactly — are large and tender. Her features 
are not precisely classic, and yet I do not at 
present know how they could be improved. 
Her form is graceful ; and, though not very tall, 
she always impresses you with the idea that she 
is a grand and queenly person. You would 
never think of calling her — " Little Miss " — so 
and so. But whatever physical beauty she 
has is only the opalescent mother-of-pearl that 
indicates the presence of the precious gem lying 
cradled within. 

You will at once appreciate her character 
when I tell you that she is thoroughly sym- 
pathetic. She is a finely strung, well attuned 
harp, — so delicately yet firmly organized, that 
the winds of life wandering by, whether as 
tempest or zephyr, make only melody every 
moment. 



SYMPATHY. 69 

This entire and perfect sympathy is the secret 
of her power. She sympathizes with poets, and 
therefore reads poetry under standingly. She 
sympathizes with humanity in the past, and thus 
knows something of History as the Life of Man 
in ages gone — with humanity in the present, and 
is therefore alive to every important event of 
the day. She sympathizes with the powers of 
mechanism, and could give you an excellent lec- 
ture on a great marine engine or a hydraulic 
press, if she had ever seen one. She sympathizes 
with melody of every form, so that she not only 
sings and plays charmingly herself, but loves to 
hear others do the same. For the same reason 
she dances with peculiar grace, her every nerve 
of motion being governed by the rhythm of the 
music. You should see her dance! She sym- 
pathizes with beauty of every kind — admires 
natural scenery, fine horses, handsome men and 
women, good pictures and statuary, with a genu- 
ine artistic feeling. 

This trait of her character is her charm in 
social life. It makes her always comme il faut^ 
not through tiresome drilling in rules of eti- 
quette, but by insight. She can see the point of 
a joke, and laugh with the joker; — yet no one 
ever saw her sneer at an earnest word, or meet 
an utterance of unaffected sentiment, however 
awkwardly expressed, with a cold jest. Indeed 
she is never more lovely than when she is listen- 



70 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

ing with beaming eyes, and an almost solemn 
expression, to tlie eloquent language of some 
true-hearted friend ; not a common language in 
general society, I can assure you. In the highest 
and best sense of the phrase, she makes herself 
" all things to all men." She meets them with a 
frank cordiality, reads them at a glance, and 
tries so far as she can to please their tastes, if 
they have any worthy tastes, and to excite their 
ambitions, if they have any noble ambitions. 
The consequence is that if they are gentlemen at 
heart, they feel an entire freedom, and appear to 
the greatest advantage, in her presence. She is 
very careful to acknowledge with grateful 
courtesy their little attentions. I remember at a 
party last winter to have seen young Qnill pick 
up and return to her a camelia she had let fall, 
and she thanked him in such a sweet sincere 
way, that Quill, who was a diffident, absent- 
minded young fellow, actually took the courage 
and trouble to be thoughtfully polite to every 
lady he met for a month afterwards. Her smiles 
of thankfulness are the missionaries of the draw- 
ing-room — do more to make the Universal 
Augustus truly agreeable, than all the Lectures 
on Good Breeding ever written. 

When we went together to visit the studio of 
a young sculptor in your city, who was lighting 
such a battle with fortune as only young sculp- 
tors do, I prepared her for her reception by tell- 



, THE AETI8T. 71 

ing her that we were gomg to see a poor artist 
and she must not expect anything but the most 
poverty-stricken appearance in his rooms ; and so 
during the entire visit her manner said just this 
— ''I recognize your genius and honor it. Don't 
trouble yourself about your thread-bare coat and 
rickety furniture — ^you are a prince in exile 
from a high estate to which you will be restored 
some day. We all honor you, just as much as 
if you were clad in purple, and sitting on a 
throne. Hope on, brave prince, and God be 
with you ever !" There never was a toiler more 
cheered than our friend the sculptor by that lit- 
tle call, and doubtless the memory of her kindly 
grace has inspired him with some ideas which 
may yet breathe in marble. 

Could such a woman fail to be a very saint in 
deeds of charity? Certainly not. Here her 
sympathetic nature has its widest scope. She is 
zealous in doing good, yet discerning. She 
visits the abodes of abject want in your great 
city, like a sunbeam lighting up the gloom of 
misfortune. Trusting to the power of love, she 
goes about among the degraded, with no more 
fear than if she were a ministering disembodied 
spirit — yet with the magnetic winsomeness of a 
real livinar woman. The most abandoned out- 
casts seem to hear the beating of her dear noble 
heart and listen with respect. 

But I have not time to write any more, nor 



72 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

yon to read, I reckon. Send my anonymous 
compliments to your Turk, and tell him lie 
should have known my Cousin Fanny. 
Your Obedient Servant 

C. E. 



THE FOUKTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral expresses his Opinion in regard to the Press 
—The Weekly Press— The Daily ditto. 

To the Precious and Truly Inestimable Abel Ben Hassan^ 
Emerald of my Hearts Casket. 

Ejking my sojourn in New York, I have ob- 
served with curiosity the avidity with which the 
natives of this country devour the newsj)apers of 
the day. It has even been suggested by some 
who are hypercritical, that they read more tlian 
they think, and that if they were obliged to sit 
upon a cushion and smoke all day, communing 
with their own thoughts, after the Ottoman 
fashion, they would probably either fall sound 
asleep, or else wax frantic with nervous restless- 
ness. Seeing the Americans so devoted, there- 
fore, to the perusal of papers, my attention has 
naturally been called to the press of the Kew 
World. Great, O my friend, is my admiration 
of the same ! 

The weekly newspapers (the term weekly 
implying hebdomadal, not feeble), profess, for 

A T8 



L_ 



74: THE PASHA PAPEKG. 

tlie most part, to be of great literary merit, and 
are cliiefly read by barbers, servant-girls and 
boys of tender years. They are in great part 
filled with fictitious narratives, the design of 
which is to furnish clear and truthful views of 
those grades of human life into which barbers, 
servant-girls and boys of tender years are not 
permitted, practically, to enter. The untutored, 
yet aspiring reader is thus furnished with much 
correct and valuable information at a low cost. 
He or she is supplied with ideal existence, in 
large quantities, at four cents a parcel: being 
told— 

How the gay and fascinating Prince Alphonso, 
with beautiful peaked beard and preternatural 
calves, rescued from the ruffian grasp of the 
cruel Baron ]!:^ockumstifi the lovely and accom- 
plished Leonora, whose flowing curls swept the 
ground as she was borne away on her lover's 
shoulder, and whose eyes were blacker than the 
popular idea of night, by several shades. 

How the bloodthirsty Baron pursued the 
lovers only to be himself cloven to the saddle by 
the trusty sword of Alphonso, who soon after 
purchased an eligible site npon the Rhine, built 
an elegant castle, furnished it in the height of the 
fashion of that period (the reign of Charlemagne), 
and settled down for life with the lovely being 
whom he carried away on his stuj^dy shoulder. 

How the gallant sailor boy Eugenio, rising 



EOJVIANTIC. Y5 

from Ms hammock, where in slumbers of mid- 
night he was accustomed to lie, and climbing 
to the top of the main-to'-gal-lo'-mas', descried 
the object of his earlier affections, wringing her 
hands in agony on the deck of a low, rakish, 
three-masted schooner, some fonr miles in the 
distance ; how he leaped down from his giddy 
height, fired three shots from the stern chaser, 
and thus cut away the three masts of the schooner, 
and rendered her a helpless wTCck, then boarded 
her, pierced the wicked captain to the heart, and 
carried the young woman into the Bay of Algiers, 
where the happy couple were united in the bonds 
of matrimony, by the American Consul resident 
at that port. 

How the bloated aristocrat, Gabriel Jute (firm 
of Jute and Junk, South street), defrauded his 
beautiful ward, Seraphina, out of all her property 
by a false and fraudulent interpretation of her 
father's will, in which interesting piece of roguery 
he was aided and abetted by a firm of Wall 
street attorneys ; how Seraphina, being reduced 
to poverty, was compelled to accept the humble 
position of check-taker at a restaurant in the 
Bowery ; how the hero of the tale, a prominent 
member of Inundation Hose Company, ]N'o. Y6, 
fell deeply in love with the beautiful maiden, 
brought suit in the Marine Court against the 
bloated aristocrat for the recovery of her pro- 
perty, tried the cause himself, won it amid the 



76 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

tears of the Judge, the sobs of the Jury, and the 
'not a diy eye in the house' of the spectators; 
and how, finally, he turned the bloated aristocrat 
out of his costly mansion in the Fifth Avenue, 
took up his abode there with the lovely Seraphina 
(now his wedded wife), joined the Union Clnb, 
and represented the Eighteenth ward at the great 
meeting of outraged taxpayers. 

When I tell you, my friend, that the titles of 
some of these interesting narratives are as follows : 
"The Black Avenger of the Spanish Main;" 
" Don Koderick the Renegade, or the Spectre of 
Yalladolid ;" "Blood for Blood, or the Chip Boy 
of the Dry Dock ;" " The Brooklyn Beauty, or 
the Crime-stained Mantilla," you will perceive at 
once how instructive, entertaining and enlighten- 
ing they must be. 

But I am especially charmed, companion of 
my earlier years, with the daily political news- 
papers of the New "World. The press of Amer- 
ica is free, as I have been told several times since 
my arrival here, and strange to say, it never 
abuses its freedom. Its editors are all perfect 
gentlemen and perfect scholars. They number 
some two thousand in all, so you may calculate 
how much candor and courtesy they must bring 
to the joint discharge of their duties. Their 
intercourse with each other, as expressed in their 
columns, is marked by a tenderness and delicacy 
of feeling that are touching to observe. Their 



EDITOKIAL. 77 

logic is more ponderous than the mace of Ali, 
their wit more subtle than the scimitars of 
Damascus. Do you wish an example? The 
following brief editorial from the heading jour- 
nal of America,- will convince you of the truth 
of my statement : 

'' Thurlow Weed, Seward's white nigger, says 
that Mr. Bennett dined the other day with Mr. 
Buchanan, at the White House. This may be so, 
but it is certain that Thurlow will never be clean 
enough to dine in respectable company." 

O Abel Ben Hassan, is not that sweet, refresh- 
ing, nice, fragrant, delightful ? But sublime as 
are the reasoning powers of the American edi- 
tors, and effulgent as are their humor and sar- 
casm, their moral rectitude and delicate sense of 
propriety are still more notable. And as con- 
versational straws are proverbially wont to show 
in what direction the wind of public opinion 
blows, I may cite the following comparisons as 
common in conversation in ISTew York: "As 
truthful as the Evening Ananias,^^ " as unwaver- 
ing as the Temjyorizer^^^ "as charitable as the 
Meat Axe,'' " as noble as the Morning Ilumlug^' 
"as instructive as the SewevP In fact so re- 
markable are these conductors of public opinion 
for their integrity of purpose and horror of all 
sorts of baseness, that their abundant professions 
and promises are esteemed equal, if not superior, 
to other men's practices and performances, and 



78 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

tlie idea of an editor sacrificing truth to party, 
justice to expediency, honor to profit, liberty to 
loaves, fairness to fishes, or purity to plunder, is 
scouted as irrational. On the contrary, the pub- 
lic believe what the newspapers often assert, that 
the editor is a Gentle Shepherd, whose care of 
his fleecy followers is all watchfulness and disin- 
terestedness, who would not pull the wool over 
the eyes of even a lambkin, and who would sub- 
mit to the tortures of the rack rather than barter 
his conscience for filthy lucre. 

How widely difierent this from the conduct of 
the able editors of Constantinople, who have 
been known to tell their readers that two and 
two make five, that all the angles of a triangle 
are equal to four right angles, or even to puff a 
party, or a pill, or a new cantatrice, for mere 
pay ! Faithfully thine, 

Mohammed. 



[Fkom a Dyspeptic but Thoughtful Fkeend.] 

New York, January, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha^s Letters. 

Deak Sir : It seems to me that tlie career 
of a successful journalist in the city of !N"ew 
York furnishes an interesting subject of reflec- 
tion to the contemplative mind. 

Consider, for example, the history of that 
eminent man, the Editor and Proprietor of the 
Morning WhwMgig. He was evidently designed 
by nature for the profession which he now 
graces — and for no other. He could not enter 
the church, for he had no moral affections of any 
kind ; he could not shine at the bar, for he had 
no powers either of logical analysis or sympa- 
thetic oratory ; he could not be a physician or 
surgeon, for he had neither good manners nor a 
taste for scientific pursuits ; he could not choose 
the profession of arms, for he was a coward. 
Such education, therefore, as he had, was perti- 
nently applied to his present pursuit. 

The philosophy of his life and success is 
founded on a few leading axiomatic propositions, 
like the following : 



80 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Many men are timid. 

Many men are stupid. 

Many men are envious. 

Many men have a prurient curiosity. 

Many women share these characteristics. 

A daily newspaper should cater for these 
pleasing traits. 

With such maxims as these, the Editor and 
Proprietor of the Morning Whirligig com- 
menced the publication of his journal. 

He assailed the timid men with bitter person- 
alities, and threats of more violent attacks ; and 
the timid men subscribed for his paper, sent him 
their advertisements, or more directly purchased 
his silence. If any of the people thus attacked, 
exemplified their want of timidity by thrashing 
him in the public streets, he immediately issued 
an extra edition of the Whirligig^ containing full 
particulars of the affair ; — the extra edition was 
eagerly bought up, and the circulation of the 
Whirligig largely increased. 

He pleased the stupid men by writing every- 
thing down to their intellectual plane. He did 
not attempt to elevate or instruct them — that 
would not pay. He trusted to the fact that, 
through natural deficiency or neglectful laziness, 
" the average of general intelligence is low," 
and he carefully adapted the Whirligig to this 
average. The stupid men subscribed largely to 
the Whirligig, 



THE WHIRLIGIG. 81 

He fairlj deliglited the envious men. He 
knew tliat there were tens of thousands of such, 
who were sickening at the sight of the happiness 
of the good, the fame of the wise, or the wealth 
of the fortunate ; and therefore he became him- 
self afflicted in spirit, and made the Whirligig 
the representative and organ of whatever in 
society is mean, attempting to drag down to its 
OAvn level whatever is lofty. The Whirligig 
denounced religion as liyj)ocrisy, learning as 
pedantry, associated charity as quackery, and all 
attempts at reform or advocacy of abstract right 
and justice as foolish and fanatical. The Editor 
of the Whirligig was particularly bitter against 
the small minority who were enabled to build 
fine houses, but refused to invite him to dine 
therein ; and he accordingly proclaimed to that 
large majority who were unable to build fine 
houses, that the possession of a brown stone front, 
a picture gallery, or a handsome private library, 
was presumptive evidence that the owner was a 
tyrant, a fool, or a knave. And so such portion 
of this majority as were basely envious, and 
those especially who wore uncleanly linen, 
believed him, and bought the Whirligig. 

For the benefit of such men and women — not 
a few — whose curiosity was of the prurient sort, 
he filled the Whirligig with details of all that 
was scandalous and filthy in the record of cur- 
rent events. It did not matter much whether 
4* 



82 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

these details were real or imaginary — enough 
that they were full, and early, and disgusting. 
And so all the people who were gratified by 
microscopic views of social disease, subscribed 
for the Whirligig, and devoured its contents, 
shamelessly, or in secret. 

And thus, by appealing to the fears and 
meanness of men and women — ^by persistently 
striving to pull down to the range of his own 
baseness everything noble and generous and 
grand — by sneering at all that is hopeful and 
progressive — by feeding every vitiated taste — by 
prophesying a thousand possibilities and parad- 
ing the fact that one of this number came to 
pass, well knowing that the heedless public 
would forget the other nine hundred and ninety- 
nine — by selling his ill-gotten influence for poli- 
tical purposes to the highest bidder — by a 
hardihood and perseverance worthy of some- 
thing good, the Editor and Proprietor of the 
Whirligig has built up a great circulation. 

Could any man desire to do more ? 

B. a 



THE FIFTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral Discourses About Valuable Inventions and 
Discoveries — How to Get Ricli at the Public Expense. 

To the Delicious Abel Ben Hassan, Moon of my 3femory, 

The people among wliom I am now sojourn- 
ing are noted for their ingenuity. Tliey are 
constantly devising tlie most curious inven- 
tions, among which I may briefly notice the 
following : 

A process of making illuminating gas from 
water, a discovery of the most valuable charac- 
ter, but for two trifling objections, viz. : First, the 
gas would not burn ; and, second, it could not, 
by the method proposed, be produced. 

A fire-proof safe, which, not only delights in 
being exposed to the fiercest flames, but possesses 
the curious moral power of proving the inventors 
of all other safes to be most unmitigated rogues, 
liars, blackguards and swindlers on the face of 
the earth. 

An extract of sarsaparilla, of such surprising 
efficacy that it not only cures all forms of cutan- 



84 THE rASHA PAPERS. 

eons disease in the liiiman race, but is exported 
in large quantities to the islands of Iceland 
and Sicily to prevent the eruptions of Hecla 
and Vesuvius. 

A reaping machine, which not only cuts down 
the standing grain with wonderful rapidity, but 
has, by way of compensation, produced a golden 
harvest of litigation for the sickles of the law. 

Many other valuable machines, such as the 
revolving waffle-iron, the inflexible clothes-pin, 
the anti-asthmatic sweeper, the hen-persuader 
and the wooden clock, are well known to the 
inhabitants of Turkey, through the medium of 
commerce : but certain other inventions, of 
which you may not have heard, are worth a 
passing notice. 

If the inventor of the first of the processes 
which I shall mention were about to ask for a 
patent, he would probably couch his application 
in the following terms: "I claim as original, 
novel and patentable, the application of a new 
motive power to the mental and moral machinery 
of Governors, Legislators, Mayors, Aldermen 
and Councilmen, and generally to all personages 
who have the dispensing of public plunder. 
This motive power (which, if applied to a mem- 
ber of the democratic party, might be termed a 
loco-motive), I call a loan^ and the use of it loan- 
ing:' 

This great process has, however, not been 



LOANING. 85 

patented, the original inventor having nndonbt- 
edly been a person of too mncli liberality and 
pnblic spirit to tliink of tying np such a valuable 
idea. It is therefore used, in the city of New 
York especially, without let or hindrance, by all 
well-disposed persons who wish to assist in the 
good work of regulating and governing society. 
The gross wickedness of open bribery is thus 
ingeniously avoided. Does an enterprising citi- 
zen desire to run a line of cars, propelled by 
horses, through an avenue of New York, — he 
becomes a bank of discount for the Mayor, 
Alderman and Councilmen. He rejoices to lend 
them money on their promises to pay. He 
gratifies his finer feelings by loaning liberally. 
He encourages the circulation of the metallic 
basis of value. His enterprising conduct is 
rewarded by a virtuous municipal administra- 
tion, and in spite of the railing of some envious 
persons the railway goes through. Does an 
honest and capable citizen desire to serve the 
public in the capacity of Street Commissioner, 
he applies the benign influence of a loan to the 
perceptive faculties of the Mayor, who has the 
power of appointment. The scales fall from the 
eyes of the hitherto purblind Mayor. He im- 
mediately perceives in the person of the loaner 
an embodiment of all the powers and virtues 
which are requisite to the performance of the 
duties of the office in question. He gives to the 



86 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

applicant certain promissory notes. The appli- 
cant discounts the same. His idle money is 
thrown into the market. The shrunken veins of 
commerce are filled with a new and quickening 
stream. The loaner procures the office, and thus 
society is governed and benefited, without any 
of the disgusting bribery so common in Constan- 
tinople. 

The next discovery which I wish to describe 
to you is one of great merit, which might be 
profitably employed in the executive depart- 
ments of our own government. It is a method 
of making money in the most rapid yet simple 
manner, merely by changing at will these 
curious little Arabic symbols, called in the 
American language, figures. For example, a 
gentleman who desires to grow wealthy, so that 
he may dispense charity and build temples to 
Allah, takes a contract from the corporation of 
ISTew York to pave one of its streets for the sum 
of three dollars per superficial square yard. The 
work is done, and the surveyor who has been 
deputed to superintend it, returns to the depart- 
ment his calculations as follows : 

" I certify that the work of paving Six Hundred and Forty- 
second street has been performed by Simon Stubbs, in accord- 
ance with the provisions of his contract, and that he is entitled 
to be paid therefor. 
"Number of superficial square yards of pavement laid 12,6Y0." 

Tliis done, the ingenious and capable Stubbs 



INGENTJITY. 87 

casually meets tlie official head of the depart- 
ment beneath an umbrageous elm in the City 
Hall Park. Having discussed the Kansas ques- 
tion and the probable cause of the curvature of 
the comet's tail, they approach the subject of the 
paving of 642d street, thus : 

Stijbbs. — "I fear, O sublime and immaculate 
sir, that I shall lose money upon that contract. 
My credit will sicken, my children will starve, 
my donations to the Society for Civilizing Squam 
Beach will be suspended." 

Official. — " I see no need of those things, 
my gentle Stubbs." 

Stubbs. — " Oh, tell me, mighty man, what 
remedy there is ?" 

Official. — " Why simply this. Let us change 
the figures in the Surveyor's certificate and 
divide the increase. "With one-half the profits 
you may cover Squam Beach with tracts, and 
with the other half I will support half a dozen 
colporteurs in Water street." 

In accordance with this plan the official head 
of the department takes a pen in hand, and 
skillfully draws one short perpendicular and one 
short horizontal line over the first figure in the 
certificate, and it reads as follows : 

" Number of superficial square yards of pavement laid, 42,670," 

—being an increase of 30,000 yards or $90,000. 
In this way, my dear Ben Hassan, these virtuous 



88 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

gentry wax rich in the most expeditious and 
lionest manner. It sm-ely is not stealing, to draw 
lines w^itli a quill dipped in ink ! 

The third process to which I invite jour 
thoughtful attention has received, as yet, no 
technical name. I will call it the Art of Bid- 
ding. It is also quite profitable, being managed 
in this wise: The Common Council having 
directed Sixteenth Avenue to be regulated and 
graded, the official who has charge of this sort of 
business advertises for proposals to do the job. 
Four estimates are presented to him, as follows : 

Mr. Buff offers to excavate the earth for 30 
cents a yard ; Mr. Duff for 50 cents ; Mr. Muff 
for 80 cents ;' and Mr. Puff for 130 cents. Then 
the enterprising Stubbs, hereinbefore mentioned, 
havino^ first talked with the official under a wide- 
spreading tree in the Park, goes to Mr. Puff and 
says : " My dear Puff, your bid of 130 cents is 
too high ; it will be rejected as a matter of course ; 
but if you will assign it to me, I will have you 
appointed to the lucrative and honorable office 
of policeman," to which arrangement Mr. Puff 
assents. Mr. Stubbs then goes to Mr. Muff, and 
says: "Oh, delightful Muff, your bid of 80 
cents is by far too high to stand any chance of 
success. Sell it to me and I will procure your 
election to the Board of Councilmen next year ;" 
to which Mr. Muff agrees. Mr. Duff and Mr. 
Buff having put in their bids at Mr. Stubbs' 



AND YET. 89 

request, and without the slightest intention or 
ability to perform the contract at such prices, 
disappear from the contest, and the work is 
awarded to Mr. Puff at one hundred and thirty 
cents a yard, the contract assigned to the trium- 
phant Stubbs, who proceeds to excavate earth 
and fill his pockets with rocks. 

Thus, my fascinating Abel, you see by what 
skillful and expeditious methods the Americans 
amass their splendid fortunes. The industrious 
Stubbs is a glorious example of the value of the 
inventions I have described. He is fast attaining: 
such a " position," moral and social, as I have 
mentioned in one of my previous epistles. He 
lives in a marble house, and keeps a shining car- 
riage, drawn by a pair of shining horses, which 
are driven by a dazzling coachman. He grows 
grey-haired, and presents a decorous appearance, 
as he sits, with his family beside him, in the 
Church of the Sacred Checker-board. By and 
by his decease will be chronicled, with the most 
unfeigned regret, by all the morning journals, 
and his body will be laid to rest with imposing 
procession and solemn ritual, in the quiet and 
beautiful cemetery of Greenwood, where, I am 
told, the better class of people in 'New York 
desire to be buried. And there, where the foli- 
age trembles in vernal freshness, stirred by the 
sea-breezes that never had a thought of unclean- 
ness or corruption, and innocent birds woo and 



90 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

warble, and the free penetrative sunshine glori- 
fies tree and hill-side with its purity of radiance, — 
a monument will be erected, sacred to the 
memory of the departed Stubbs, the affectionate 
father, the upright citizen, the unflinching 
patriot; reminding the passer-by once more of 
the truth that the hoary head is a crown of 
glory more precious than the pearls of Persia, 
and that an honest man is the noblest of Allah's 
works. 

Tliine, faithfully, 

Mohammed. 



[Feom Mk. Pewter Mug.] 

New York, February 22, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir : I am a city contractor. I consider 
myself a good citizen, and, what is better yet, a 
sterling Democrat. It is, therefore, superfluous 
for me to say that I have read with deep disgust 
the Fifth Epistle of your malignant and turbaned 
Turk ; in which he feebly attempts to be sarcas- 
tic upon the members of my profession; and 
basely insinuates that I and my brethren occa- 
sionally conspire with the officials of New York 
to cheat the tax-payers. 

Well, sir— what of it? I admit the facts set 
forth in the letter referred to, but I flatly deny 
the covert conclusion attempted to be drawn 
from those facts— namely, that there is anything 
mean, or contemptible, or wrong in the use of 
the valuable inventions described. 

You and your Ottoman upstart may sui3pose 
that there are abstract ideas of what is mean or 
contemptible, or wrong. There you are mis- 
taken. Our ideas of Eight and Wrong are 

91 



92, THE PASHA PAPEES. 

founded npon Imman law. Human law is de- 
rived from the Powers that Be. The Powers 
that Be are ordained of God ; and are the stand- 
ard of Justice, and the fountain of Honor. The 
doctrine of a Higher Law than this, is a wretched, 
revokitionary, iniidel fantasy, a pestilent 'New 
England heresy. Its rapid diffusion of late, 
makes me tremble for the safety of the Church 
and State. 

]N'ow, sir, when I see the Powers that Be, the 
venerable President of the United States, the 
great and wise Secretary of the l^avy, the vir- 
tuous Members of Congress, and other divinely 
ordained personages, engaged in ingenious ope- 
rations in Live Oak Timber, Anthracite Coal, 
and Marine Engines, for the benefit of their 
party or pockets, operations precisely similar in 
character to those described by the deluded 
Pasha, can I suppose that there may, by possibil- 
ity, be anything mean or contemptible, or wrong 
in such operations? My judicious conscience, 
enlightened by a careful political education, 
cries out with clear, emphatic resjDonse — No ! 

Mr. Translator, the Pear Admiral of the 
Turkish JSTavy is a dolt. 

Yours calmly but defiantly, 

P. Mug. 



THE SIXTH EPISTLE. 

The Kear Admiral Visits Wall Street — He Receives Some 
Instruction in the Art of Making Money. 

To the Atniahh Abel Ben Hassan, Delight of my Diaphragm. 

You will be interested to know that I have 
visited Wall street, during my residence in 
this city. ]^ow, you, my dear Abel, having 
never travelled in the E'ew World, are in some 
things slightly verdant. A lovely pea green, 
like that of the pippins of Persia, tints your gen- 
tle soul. You doubtless imagine that the great 
financial centre of America is a place for awe 
and wonder and reverence. You think of it as a 
vast tribunal, wherein financial greybeards sit in 
judgment on the financial destinies of one half 
the world ; or a huge temple with vaulted dome 
and sounding aisles, in which the devoted wor- 
shippers of Mammon kneel in worship, snufiing 
the clouds of incense that rise from golden altars, 
and becoming thus inspired to make their ever- 
lasting fortunes. But you are mistaken. Wall 
street is not a court-house nor a temple. It was 



94: THE PASHA PAPEES. 

not instituted for the promotion of justice or the 
worsliip of any j)^^'^^^^^^^^' deity, the religious 
services of New York being all held up town. 
It is a narrow and quite crooked lane, with a 
church at one end and a clipper ship at the 
other. The sidewalks are occupied, for the most 
part by venerable men and women whose busi- 
ness it is to sell puppies, apples and roasted 
chestnuts. (These venders are most numerous 
about the Custom-house, where they are permit- 
ted to carry on .their trade in consideration of 
their steady support of the Administration.) 
The buildings on either side the street are inhab- 
ited by a great variety of persons — auctioneers 
and average adjusters ; barbers who shave faces 
and usurers who shave bills ; bankers who deal 
in credit and watchmakers who deal in time ; 
lawyers who have little piety, and restaurateurs 
who have little pies."^ These buildings are so 
very tall that one finds it a pafhful and neck- 
twisting operation to look up at the little strip 
of blue sky that overhangs the pavement ; and I 
am not surprised, therefore, that the majority of 
the denizens of the street seem to have arrived 

* The reader has probably observed with pain the disposition 
of the Pasha, who has not the fear of Dr. Johnson before his 
eyes, to play on words in describing the physical characteristics 
of Wall street. The translator would say that, however squalid 
these paranomasial attempts may seem when translated, they 
are both novel and humorous in the original. 



BEEAKERS AND BKOKERS. 95 

at the conclusion that for general purposes of 
business it its better to forget that Heaven, 
with the all-beholding sun and solemn stars, 
over-arches the money market. 

I liave observed with some envy the brokers 
in stocks. They have more good clothes and 
elegant leisure than any persons I have ever met 
who are not brokers in stocks, not excepting even 
the gentlemen who were so fortunate at rouge-et- 
noir in delightful Baden during the summer we 
spent there. They are always in high spirits, 
with their pockets full of money and good 
cigars. They have made one great discovery — 
that the philosopher's stone is a curb-stone, and 
is laid down at the corner of William street and 
Exchange place. Standing on this, they obey 
with alacrity the injunction of our Prophet 
which says, '' Hold out thy cloak wide when the 
heavens rain gold," and so they grow wealthy in 
the most delightful manner. 

Having formed an intimate acquaintance with 
one of these gentlemen, I ventured to ask him 
some questions concerning his business. He 
answered me with much condescension and 
frankness. 

" My dear Pasha, you err egregiously in your 
ideas of the importance of exertion in getting a 
livelihood. Why should a man work for money 
when he may pick it up in the shadow of the 
Exchange? Do you suggest that a person is 



96 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

obliged to stoop a little in order to pick up 
tilings from a pavement? I should like to know, 
in reply, for what the spinal column is jointed, 
unless that it may be bent ? I leave labor and 
study to the stupid. I can become rich at the 
Board ; why should I trouble my head to become 
anything else? While other people are grub- 
bing in mercantile or professional life, I am fill- 
ing my pockets with bank notes by day, and my 
ears with the notes of the opera by night. Did 
I ever tell you of my little dodge in the shares 
of the Yera Cruz and Symmes Hole Slack 
Water Navigation Company? It was held at 
75, with a prospect of a dividend. But my 
cousin, the Treasurer, told me that the concern 
would go to pot in just two months. So I com- 
menced to operate. In popular parlance, I 
'' went in," sold hfteen hundred shares to Taurus 
and Putf at 74, seller 60 days. When the sixty 
days had passed the stock was worth just a 
round cypher, and Taurus and Puff paid me the 
difference of 74 per cent, on fifteen hundred 
shares. It hurt them badly; but, n'imjyorie^ 
here I go up, up, up, tliere they go down, down, 
down — see, saw, seeing, seen, as my Lindley 
Murray says. My dear Pasha, let us visit the 
immortal Downing." 

Seeing clearly that my friend had discovered 
the long-hidden secret of making money rapidly 
and without effort, I could not help desiring to 



TIMBUCTOO NINES. 97 

avail myself of Ms kindly offices. " What is the 
use of a friend," said Haronn Al Easchid the 
"Wise, "unless you can use him?" So I made 
bold to propose to him a venture on my own 
part. To my ineffable delight, he acceded to 
my proposition with alacrity. He would act as 
my agent with pleasure. He would cheerfully 
play the part of conduit, to convey to my hum- 
ble pocket the golden stream of affluence. I 
therefore deposited with him ten thousand pias- 
tres, to form what he was pleased to term " a 
margin." Then he bought for me Timbuctoo 
Long Kines, to the amount of two hundred 
thousand piastres, par value. They were pur- 
chased at 54, with a credit to the buyer of 30 
days. During this time I was assured that Tim- 
buctoo Nines would rise to the seventh heaven 
of financial value. Timbuctoo, said The Street, 
is a kingdom of vast resources. Under the 
mildly beneficent sway of its present sovereign, 
Kuphy the Tenth, its treasury is becoming alarm- 
ingly adipose. The Chancellor of the Exchequer 
is puzzled with the surplus. Tlie ship canal to 
the Mountains of the Moon, passing through the 
fertile and populous plains of Sahara, is paying 
dividends to the government of enormous size. 
The Custom-house duties on furs, school-books, 
and cannel coal, alone yield a revenue more than 
sufficient to pay the ordinary expenses of the 
Court. The new railroad from the capital to 

5 

i 



98 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

Lake Ngami will open up about two millions of 
square miles of valuable land to cultivation, 
speculation, and taxation. Timbuctoo bour- 
geons witli material and moral progress. Tim- 
buctoo ISTines will soon touch 170. 

At the expiration of a month, 1 desired my 
broker to sell my Timbuctoo E'ines at an enor- 
mous profit, and send me the amount realized. 
He mildly informed me that the kingdom of 
Timbuctoo was in a state of anarchy, his majesty 
Kuphy X. having been been poisoned by one of 
his multitudinous wives, and that, in consequence, 
Timbuctoo Nines had declined to 3-J cents on the 
dollar. Did I wish to sell ? I did wish to sell, 
and sold. I have made a brief memorandum of 
my profits and sewed it in my turban for future 
reference, and since that time have occasionally 
reflected in a philosophic way on matters and 
things in "Wall street. 

I went one day last week at the invitation of 
my friends, the Committee, to Hoboken, in the 
territory of 'New Jersey, to see some stalwart 
youths play base ball, on the fields called Ely- 
sian. I watched with much interest the excited 
manner in which they threw and knocked the 
ball from side to side, the animation of their 
faces, the glow of their cheeks, the entire play- 
fulness with which they surrendered themselves 
to the invigorating sport, quite unmindful of all 
that was transpiring around them. The world 



THE GAI.IE OF BALL. 99 

turned on its axis, the Hudson swept to the sea, 
the tides of toil and commerce ebbed and flowed ; 
men were born, married, died ; there were fires, 
good deeds, robberies, and charity in the great 
city so near — and still the game went on, to the 
infinite amusement of the youths, who never, for 
a moment, remembered anything except the bail 
that flew to and fro over their heads. 

And so in "Wall street, O joy of my liver, I 
see these gay and ingenious brokers playing with 
the stock of the Meteoric Air Line Kailway 
Company. They are not sharpers, nor even mad 
speculators. They are only children standing in 
the market-place. They are having a good time, 
and driving away dull care and the duties and 
responsibilities of life which bore other people so 
horribly. Merrily goes the pleasant game — 
vigorously they knock the elastic certificates 
to and fro, up and down, in graceful para- 
bolic curve. How their eyes sparkle with 
fun, how their faces shine with the glow of 
healthful exercise, how cheerily their laughter 
tinkles in the air, w^hile all around their Wall 
street play-ground roars and groans the actual 
life of the city, its struggles, triumphs, defeats, 
hopes, despairs ! The merchant toilfully weaves 
the web of commercial intercourse, clothing the 
earth with robes of princely splendor ; the 
lawyer assiduously applies the solid sense of the 
past to the complications of the present; the 



100 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

editors and publishers scatter abroad their wing- 
ed words ; the artist spreads his dreams on can- 
vas, or moulds them in marble; the student 
stores the fine honey of learning; the man of 
science pours the forces of nature into the chan- 
nels of use ; the poet sings of truth, and beauty, 
and heroism, and the better years to come ; good 
men unite to save the State, and bad men con- 
spire to ruin it — but what care the players for 
all that? They are having an excellent time 
with their game. 

Thine financially, 

Mohammed. 



[Note by the Translator.] 

The Translator of these letters was, one even- 
ing last winter, visited by a literary acquaintance 
of the name of Theophilus Spoon. Spoon is a 
private in the great " shoe-black seraph army " 
of poor-devil authors. He entertains a suffi- 
ciently large opinion of his own powers, an 
opinion as yet not entirely concurred in by the 
Enlightened Public. On the evening in ques- 
tion, he appeared with a shade of sadness, not 
unmingled with defiant contempt, clouding his 
countenance. It was evident, that either a great 
idea was germinating in his brain, or a new sor- 
row pecking at his heart. Having lighted a 
cigar and blown a great bubble of smoke about 
his head, he pulled out a manuscript from his 
pocket, and spoke : 

" There, sir, is a poem, a poem full of truth 
and fancy, full of teachings ; and written, sir, I 
might say copied, from the manuscript of my 
own experience. What is poetry, sir, but a tran- 
script from the secret life of the poet, and have 
I not secretly speculated in stocks ? I took that 
poem to the Editor of Twaddle's Monthly^ and 
he refused to publish it, because it was too per- 

101 



102 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

sonal, as if a Railroad Company could be a sub- 
ject for personalities. I took it to the Editor of 
Waddle's Monthly^ and lie rejected it, because, 
as lie said, I had plagiarized the metre. Meher- 
cule I — has our dear Longfellow obtained letters 
patent from A]3ollo, granting him the exclusive 
right to make, use and vend verses of this sort ? 
Sir, the editors of our Magazines are quadru- 
peds with elongated ears, and the world is cold. 
Why did they not tell me the true reason of the 
rejection of my poem, namely, that it is much 
cheaper to copy poetry from Blackwood and 
Household ^Yords than to buy it from me ? Do 
you wish to hear it \ of course you do — ^then listen. 

"'ERIE/ 

*'bt t. spoon. 

"Should you ask me whence these verses, 
Whence these verses headed ' Erie,' 
With their clink of money changers, 
And their snort of locomotives, 
Tenders, cars and locomotives. 
Great machines called locomotives ; 
Whence this legend of the railway ; 
I should answer, I should tell you 
(If I thought it were your business). 
That I wrote them one fine morning, 
Beauteous, balmy summer morning, 
Balmy, Juny, savory morning. 
After having eaten breakfast, 
Podger's plain, substantial breakfast, 
And appeased my mental hunger 
With perusal of the Tribune^ 



IN THE STOCKS. 103 

Cautious, peaceful, gentle Tribune^ 
Kind and charitable Tribune^ 

In the Tribune's money column, 

Column full of curious features, 

Full of stocks, and therefore filled up 

Now and then with fearful choler ; 

Full of bulls and bears and lame ducks, 

Bulls like that of old Phalaris, 

Made of brass, and fire, and fury ; 

Bears, so called because they're Bruin, 

Always brewin' deadliest mischief. 

And, besides, are very bare-faced ; 

Ducks, lame ducks, green ducks — poor creatures, 

Limping, flapping, saying quack, quack ! 

the Tribuyie's money column ! 

Column full of curious features, 

Full of Delaware and Hudson, 

Reading, Ward and Iron, Central ; 

Full of solids— Pennsylvania — 

Full of fancies— gay Galena — 

Full of Terre Haute and Alton, 

Full of La Crosse and Milwaukie, 

Great La Crosse, the great magician, 

Gitche Manito of railways, 

Who delights in legislators, 

Who embraces legislators 

(As Delilah wrapped up Samson), 

Coils his many bonds around them. 

Ties them, hand and foot and conscience, 

In the pillory deftly puts them, 

For a great and just derision, 

For the laughter of the nations. 

More especially the British, 

Honest British, moral British ! 

" In the Tribune's money column, 
I perceived this brief quotation, 



104: THE PASHA PAPEES. 

* Erie, eighteen and three-quarters !' 
Then I thought of times more olden, 
When more valuable was Erie, 
Seventy-five, and eighty, ninety — 
When the road was newly opened, 
When the adventurous directors 
Sailed to sea on bulbous bladders. 
To a sea of golden glory. 
When they borrowed lots of money, 
And paid dividends — the shrewd ones — ■ 
How they speculated — shrewd ones — 
How they pubHshed mighty statements, 
Till the old men and the orphans. 
Till the sad or jolly widows. 
Took their little hoards of money, 
Hard-earned, cherished hoards of money. 
Paid it to the shrewd directors 
For their stock, the shares of Erie. 
Then I saw the shrewd directors 
How they issued bonds by thousands. 
How they tossed about their coupons. 
How they set their kites a-flying. 
Kites that made a fine appearance. 
With their strings of flattering stories. 
And their tales of future profit ! 
Then I saw a change financial. 
Flurry, skurry, fear financial. 
Saw the stock of all these widows. 
Orphans, bachelors, and widows. 
Fall and wilt like moistened chokers 
On a sultry day in August. 
Then the orphans and the widows. 
Orphans, bachelors, and widows, 
Waxed enraged and fumed and scolded, 
And inquired in tones of anger, 
From the author of these verses : 
Prithee, what's the use of Erie, 



THE YANKEE DERBY. 105 

Rotten, squalid, stupid Erie, 
Gay and fascinating Erie, 
Floating debts and bonds of Erie, 
Prithee what's the use of Erie ? 

Answered them the learned author, 

In his usual placid manner, 
Thoughtful, grave, and pleasant manner, 
' In old England,' said the author, 
* In the merry land of England, 
They have many pleasing races, 
Quite exciting equine races, 
But the greatest is the Derby, 
Hard contested race of Derby — 
There assemble all the nation. 
All the pride and flower of England, 
All the noble titled gamblers, 
All the low-born dirty gamblers, 
All the patrons of good horse flesh, 
All the poisoners of horses — 
And they bet as each one pleases. 
In a free and easy manner, 
And forgot are all distinctions. 
Shades of birth and rank and station, 
And no one is thought inferior 
For, in sooth, they all are betters!' 

" ' Now I take it,' said the author. 
Of these few financial verses, 
' That this railroad called the Erie, 
Is in fact the Yankee Derby, 
And is fortunately furnished 
For the Yankees all to bet on.' " 

Having read these lines, Mr. Spoon departed, 
leaving the manuscript behind him. The Trans- 
lator submits it as a commentary upon -the ac- 
count of the Pasha's experience in Wall street. 
6* 



_i 



THE SEYEIS^TH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral is introduced to Mrs. Grundy — His opinion 
of Mrs. Grundy. 

To the Astute Abel Ben Hassan, Marrow of my Bones. 

I HAVE heard much during my recent sojourn in 
]N'ew York, of a certain mysteriously-powerful 
personage, called Mrs. Grundy ; and as you, my 
white camel, residing in Stamboul, are probably 
in utter ignorance concerning this distinguished 
female, I have thought it advisable to enlighten 
you in regard to her character and attributes. 
On the banks of the Bosphorus, we have, unfor- 
tunately, no Mrs. Grundy ; but I doubt not that, 
if it should hereafter seem expedient, we can 
eventually cultivate one of our own. 

For my own knowledge of this lovely lady, I 
am indebted more to the kindness of a casual 
acquaintance than to my own experience. The 
person to whom I allude is a young man of the 
name of Tompkins, who " exists," as he says, at 
the St. ^N'icholas Hotel, occupying apartments 
near my own. He is a quiet, philosophic bache- 

106 



NEW YOKK OBSERYER. 107 

lor, rather more fanciful in liis tastes tlian indus- 
trious in liis liabits, having a fondness for dia- 
mond shirt studs, s]3otless gloves, attar of roses, 
meerschaum pij)es, and the writings of Mr. R. 
W. Emerson. He does not pretend to have any 
business or profession, but employs his time in 
an Athenian way, with watching the progress of 
events and the changes of manners around him. 
He sometimes calls himself the 'New York 
Observer, in which title I presume, some latent 
joke is lurking, since, whenever he mentions this 
ap23ellation, he pulls down the corners of his 
mouth in a peculiarly solemn and innocent way. 

Mrs. Grundy, as I am told, is largely influen- 
tial in church, state and social life. She has a 
feminine name, but, like the noun substantive 
7vgue, she is of common gender, assuming either 
sex with equal ease and grace. She has acquired 
her control over the American people by her 
skillful use of a simple weapon — the tongue. 
For a complete description of this astonishing 
implement of attack, I refer you to the third 
chapter of the Epistle of St. James, contained in 
the English Bible, of which I believe you have a 
copy in your library. She wields this weapon 
with wonderful agility and power. 

For instance, when Timotheus, the enthusias- 
tic young divine, all aglow with the earnestness 
of conviction, deems it his duty to hurl the curses 
of Allah at some particular sin or some promi- 



108 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

nent sinner — wlien lie inconsiderately calls down 
tlie lightnings of heaven to blast some pre- 
cious and profitable iniquity in which his peo- 
ple directly or indirectly share — Mrs. Grundy 
equally deems it her duty to remonstrate wdth 
the rashly earnest Timotheus. She says to him : 
" Oh, Timotheus, I beg you, in the name of 
peace and quietness, not to talk to me in such an 
unpleasant way. Can you not thresh vigorously 
at the straw which your predecessors have 
threshed any time these eighteen centuries, with- 
out knocking your flail against the heads of your 
own pew-owners and employers ? Your exposi- 
tion of the truth should be entirely analytic, like 
a lecture on anatomy; and who in the wide 
world ever heard of an anatomist dissecting his 
own audience to illustrate his subject? Are 
there not miserable historical sinners enough to 
flagellate? Can you not horrify us with the 
inebriation of JSToah, without denouncing the dis- 
tillers in your own flock ? Can you not paint the 
wicked extravagance and frivolity of Lot's wife, 
without attacking my daughter in such a trucu- 
lent manner? And there are the murderous 
Cain, and the ungrateful Absalom, and the err- 
ing David, and the wife-led Solomon, and the 
Scribes and Pharisees — O sinful, unjust, avari- 
cious, oppressive, selfish, hypocritical, tyrannical 
Scribes and Pharisees ! — and the Devil and his 
angels, with the whole of Paradise Lost, to draw 



TIMOTHETJS. 109 

on for illustrations ; and last of all, the exceeding 
sinfulness of sin. Can you not belabor these, 
and let me buy and sell, and get gain, and corner 
lots, and children, and comfortable naps ? And 
the idea of your daring — O you naughty Timo- 
theus — to preach politics, or attack lawgivers, 
when you know that the Powers that Be were 
ordained of God for the purpose of governing 
rightly or wrongly, just as they may choose ; 
that Paul was prophetically pledged to support 
any measure that the American Congress may 
pass and the American President approve ; and 
that your own Saviour paid tribute to Tiberius 
Caesar, and of course approved of all the public 
measures, as well as the irreproachable private 
life, of that virtuous monarch ! Fie ! for shame, 
Timotheus !" 

But the hard-headed Timotheus, in reply, sug- 
gests something about the sword of the spirit, 
glittering and graven with mystic characters, 
that keenly cuts asunder selfishness from con- 
science, interest from duty; he evokes the 
thunders which roar in such an inconvenient and 
disagreeable manner around greed, lust, avarice, 
hypocrisy and deliberate iniquity of every sort. 
And Mrs. Grundy, half frightened and wholly 
angry, votes him out of his pulpit, and engages 
the services of the Rev. Octavian Ambergris — 
sweetest of men — who sprinkles perfume over 
his hearers, as the Consuls used to shower the 



110 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

populace of Rome in the Ampliitlieatre. How 
delightfully somniferous are the Sabean odors 
that he sheds abroad, like the breezes from the 
spicy shores of Araby the Blest. 

And in the domain of politics Mrs. G. is 
watchfully potent. When that impracticable 
and terrible abstract young man, L. J. Brutus 
Smith, began to utter his unwise Philippics 
against the baseness, fraud and injustice which 
seemed to him to be dominant in the federal 
government of the United States, and to threaten 
the dearest principles of personal freedom, the 
old lady, who was at that time in business in 
South street, assailed Brutus through the press 
and from the rostrum. She thought he was 
attacking the Capitol, and like her prototypes, 
she began to cackle an anserine alarm : '' O, 
Brutus, you wretched young dreamer, you icono- 
clast, you enthusiast, how dare you shake the 
pillars in the Temple of Liberty? You are a 
smart young chap, and I like to have you make 
sport for me, but don't play Samson and j)ull 
down the edifice about my ears. How dare you 
stir up sectional strife, and threaten the ruin 
of these States, when you know perfectly well 
that the Union is a beautiful balance between 
duty and expediency, expressly constructed to 
weigh out the profits of my trade, and that 
if you carry out your absurd schemes for 
the advancement of individual right, as you 



BRUTTTS SMITH. Ill 

call it, mv notes will go to protest in thirty 
days." 

And when the abstract Brutus denied that 
he had any desire to dissolve the Union, and 
coolly asserted that the Union was instituted for 
the fostering of good, instead of the perpetuation 
of evil ; that the constitution was framed, as its 
writers declare, for the promotion of justice, and 
not as a cunningly devised bargain with evil ; 
that wrong, inflicted on personal liberty, though 
it date its dynasty from the death of Abel, can 
never have the authority of precedent ; that it is 
far better that the nation, being an aggregate of 
individuals, should be frugal, and honest, and 
religious, rather than rich, dishonest and cruel, 
with much else of the same sort, Mrs. G. ceased 
to cackle and commenced to hiss. " O Brutus ! O 
Smith ! yon are a traitor, an infidel, an atheist, a 
poet ; you mnst not teach my sons, dance at my 
balls, marry my daughters, lecture in my 
lyceums, sit in my legislative halls — ont with 
you, you bold, bad man !" And a large nnmber 
of other old ladies believed these charges, and 
approved of this sentence ; and so the enthusiastic 
Brutus Smith had to comfort himself as best he 
might. Do you think, my lovely Ben Hassan, 
that it was difficult for him to comfort himself 
under the circumstances ? 

But Mrs. Grnndy is particularly interested in 
the matrimonial affairs of young people. In this 



112 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

sphere she generally assumes the feminine sex, 
and plays her part with feminine skill and per- 
sistence. You must know, my dear Abel, that 
in the western continent a man takes but one 
wife (of his own) at a time ; and that the selec- 
tion of this one is, evidently, a matter of more 
moment than in our beloved Turkey. A young 
fellow, therefore, is not considered capable of 
making for himself so important a choice ; for if 
he should blunder, the consequences to society 
would be terrific. Hence, when the amiable and 
ins^enuous Lorenzo arrives at years of discretion, 
society calls a Tea-table Convention, and 
appoints Mrs. Grundy a committee of one, with 
full power, to arrange his affairs. She accepts 
the trust with alacrity. She takes her place in 
the best pew in the church, and from her com- 
manding position she observes that the eyes of 
Lorenzo occasionally wander towards the slip 
occupied by the lovely and accomplished Jes- 
sica. She notes thp fact that Lorenzo joins 
Jessica at the church door, and talks in his usual 
devoted style about the sermon and the weather. 
Mrs. Grundy smiles complacently, and makes 
her first report to the Tea-table Convention, 
briefly thus: 

"Your committee respectfully begs leave to 
report as follows ; 

" Lorenzo is very attentive to Jessica " 

"Which report is adopted nem, con._ 



TEA AND TALK. 113 

Mrs. G. then goes to the Pliilharmonic, and 
observes the fact that Lorenzo, quite oblivious of 
Beethoven op., 690, converses with Jessica in a 
delicious undertone. She thereupon makes her 
second report to the T. T. Convention : 

" Your committee would respectfully report as 
follows : 

" Lorenzo is over head and ears in love with 
Jessica." Adopted unanimously. 

The venerable lady next meets Lorenzo near 
Union Square, and walks with him as far as 
Twenty-third street. She informs him, to his 
great surprise, that he is engaged to the fair 
Jessica. She congratulates him. He mildly dis- 
claims the honor, and relates the trite story of 
the Barmecide, who made a large fortune by 
minding his own busines. But the rumor rathers 
flatters him. He says to himself, " Lorenzo, my 
boy, it may be that you have fascinated the fair 
Jessica. She is a charming young lady, and 
you, my dear fellow, are a sadly attractive 
dog." 

Then Mrs. Grundy meets Jessica at the grand 
ball of the Ipecacs, and tells her that she (Jes- 
sica) entertains feelings of the most tender char- 
acter towards Lorenzo. Jessica is considerably 
annoyed at this, and mentally accuses Lorenzo 
of great impertinence in spreading sucli a rumor. 
Her woman's pride (which our prophet wisely 
calls the Devil) is roused. Next time she meets 



114: THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

liim she is conscious and embarrassed, and the 
foolish Lorenzo attributes her behavior to a pas- 
sion for him tliat she is vainly endeavoring to 
conceal. He begins to believe the tales of Mrs. 
Grundy. lie builds a huge palace in the clouds, 
in which he is to be Sultan, and Jessica sole 
Sultana. Like a great, vain, fond fellow that he 
is, he dreams and dreams until his visions seem 
veritable realities. Then he goes, with calm face 
and fluttering heart, to the mansion of Jessica's 
sire, and offers himself to the daughter of the 
house, who refuses him in the kindest and most 
delightful manner possible. He retires and 
solaces himself with billiards, fast horses and the 
opera, and arrives at the conclusion that Mrs. 
Grundy is a silly old liar. Meantime, that 
interesting female makes her third report to the 
T. T. Convention. 

" Your committee would report as follows, and 
would ask to be discharged : 

" Lorenzo has been rejected by Jessica. He is 
in a desperate state of mind, and I regret to say 
is falling into habits of the most melancholy dis- 
sipation. Your committee is pained to observe 
that his clients (or patients or customers) are 
deserting him. Your committee woidd suggest 
the propriety of discouraging his visits to the 
daughters of the convention." 

Report adojited, and committee discharged 
with a vote of thanks. 



TWO QUERIES. 115 

Oh, amiable and in-other-respects-sufficientlj- 
wise Lorenzo, why did you study the gossip of 
Mrs. Grundy, rather than your own heart and 
the laws of Jessica's womanly nature ? And 
O Jessica, my ox-eyed Houri, w^hy did you 
allow yourself to be piqued by the inter- 
ference of Grundy, and so nip the budding 
regard you had for Lorenzo, which might have 
grown into something large, leafy and fruit- 
ful? 

You may deduce from what I have written, 
my dear Ben Hassan, that Mrs. Grundy is a 
mean, contemptible, unmanly, unwomanly scan- 
dal-monger, scoundrel, swindler and fool ; that 
she emasculates the politics of the Americans, 
cramps their religion, saps their social life, 
estranges friends, deceives lovers, invades priva- 
cies, crushes hopes, blights prospects, wounds 
sensibilities ; that her tongue is poisonous as the 
serpents of the Kile, and that she is only worthy 
of banishment to that unmentionable locality 
w^iere, as the book significantly says, " there are 
no fansP 

But you must not judge thus hastily of the 
venerable lady. She is a power — an institution 
— in this land of the free. " When the Monkey 
reigns," says the Wise Man, " dance before him," 
and therefore if you ever visit ISTew York, my 
j)recious nightingale, you must bow before Mrs. 
Grundy — cultivate her favor — bask in her smiles. 



116 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

She is a new avatar — an incarnation of the great 
Deity, Public Opinion, — ^her lungs emit the vox 
pojfuli. "Worship Mrs. Grundy. 

Ever thine, 

Mohammed. 



[Fkom Mr. B. Hell.] 

Boston, lOth January^ 1858. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha^s Letters. 

Sir : It was with feelings of some sorrow 
that I perused the account given in the Seventh 
Epistle of the unfortunate fate of Mr. Lucius 
Junius Brutus Smith. Poor fellow ! 

And yet, sir, notwithstanding the sad fate of 
that hair-brained young gentleman, I think that 
some of us in this little city still rest assured that 
the truth that all men are created free and equal, 
that they are endowed by their Creator {not hy 
Congress) with certain inalienable rights, among 
which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happi- 
ness, is eternal as the Anglo-Saxon soul — nay, as 
a truth, of the very essence of Heaven. Legisla- 
tors, sir, may enact laws in defiance of this prin- 
ciple ; Office-holders may drink confusion to its 
consequences in all sorts of beverages; able 
Editors may denounce it as incendiary and unpre- 
cedented; Distinguished Orators (most distin- 
guished, yet perhaps least useful, of men), may 

117 



118 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

contemn it as a glittering generality ; — and all 
with just as much effect as if the Legislators 
should enact that six and four make eleven ; or 
the Office-holders should drink confusion to the 
fact that the square described on the hypothe- 
nuse of a right-angled triangle is equivalent to 
the sum of the squares described on the other 
two sides ; or the able Editors should denounce 
the incoming flow of a spring tide as an alto- 
gether unprecedented and incendiary proceeding ; 
or the Distinguished Orators should declare that 
the ' invulnerable sunshine,' calorific, , lumin- 
iferous, life-giving, is, after all, nothing but a 
glittering generality. 

Please present my kind regards to Mr. Smith. 

Yours, triumphantly, 

B. Hill. 



THE EIGHTH EPISTLE. 

The Pasha Visits the Custom-House, and Discourses about the 
Administration. 

To the Blessed Abel Ben Hassan, Cornucopia of My Delights. 

During my visit to "Wall street, referred to in 
my last epistle but one, my attention was 
attracted by tlie Custom-liouse, a massive struc- 
tm^e of dubious architecture. With your limited 
knowledge of the world, my friend, you may 
suppose that a Custom-house is an establishment 
designed for the collection of such duties as may 
be levied on imported merchandise. Allow me, 
in the gentlest manner, to hint, that in this 
theory you are entirely mistaken. The Custom- 
house in 'New York is an establishment for the 
euforcement of the duties of politicians. It is 
the Normal School in which the rulers of the 
people are taught. It is a hot-bed, in which are 
sprouted, trained, and ripened, the Powers that 
Be in the United States of America. Ilie collec- 
tion of the revenue being a part of the business 
of the Federal Government, the employees of the 

119 



120 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Custom-house become living, component parts 
of tlie great national system, wliicli guides tlie 
energies and helps to fulfill the mission of this 
glorious country. 

Perhaps, my venerable dromedary, you would 
like to be informed what this " mission " is ? I 
am informed by the philosophic young man 
mentioned in my last letter, who furnished me 
with some ideas of Mrs. Grundy, that the true 
object of the representative republican govern- 
ment of the United States of America is to fatten 
the political parties who alternately gain posses- 
sion of the "rudder of government" and the 
" spigot of taxation." For this cause the fathers 
fought at Breedhis Hill — for this they general- 
ized in a glittering manner in the Declaration of 
Independence — for this they met in solemn con- 
clave, and wove the bands of the constitution 
which unite in one free and happy, and prosj)e- 
rous, and magnificent, etc., etc. (loud cheers) — 
for this do the able editors of the Morning Judas 
and Evening Baj^liira wax eloquent; for this 
distinguished speakers from abroad declaim ; for 
this are tar-barrels burned with odoriferous 
smoke ; for this does the entire country exult, 
quadrennially, with three times three, and rejoice 
that, providentially, it is not like Austria and 
Congo. 

The American people, I am further informed, 
held these truths to be self-evident : 



THE ORKERT. 121 

That Justice, Mercy, and Truth are capital 
attributes in individual life, but quite out of 
place in the business of goyernment. 

Tliat all men have a right to vote, except in 
the Sixth ward of the city of JN'ew York, where 
that blessed privilege is monopolized by police- 
men and their particular friends. 

That the chief object in voting is to elect a 
President of the United States, all other officials 
being inferior in power of patronage to him. 

That the leaders of the people, who have 
fought at the polls and bled at the pockets, 
deserve to be rewarded. 

From these four great radical truths, springs a 
doctrine which I may call the tree of American 
liberty, whose branches stretch from the ISTavy 
Yard at Portsmouth to the Assay Office in San 
Francisco, and which is the Tnorus multicaulis 
for all political silk-worms: the doctrine that "to 
the victors belong the spoils." Or, to speak more 
strictly, this doctrine is the central sun of the 
political planetarium, shining with golden light 
and comfortable heat, around which all postal 
planets, great and small, all Custom-house aste- 
roids, brilliant or otherwise, with all federal 
satellites of every name and nature, revolve, 
with the harmony of sphere-music, and with a 
regularity of motion unequalled since Allah 
hung the world on hinges. 

It is clearly of importance that the individuals 
6 



122 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

wlio go to make up tliis delightful federal orrery 
should have peculiar qualifications. For an 
ordinary Custom-house ofiicial in Kew York, the 
following, as I am told, are requisite : 

1. An entire ignorance of any of the more 
showy branches of learning; it being most 
democratic to be a man of few words, and to 
utter these words with a liberal disregard of the 
rules of grammar. 

2. Yery short hair, affording the slightest pos- 
sible grasp for an antagonist in case of a passage 
of arms — from the shoulder of the antagonist to 
the head of the aj^pointee. 

3. A moustache, dyed jet black, without regard 
to the natural color of the hair, or the nature of 
the complexion. 

4. Large development of the biceps and pec- 
toral muscles, and hardness. of the " fins " (to be 
estimated by the number of policemen knocked 
down, or emigrants successfully throttled) with 
a general symmetry of every organ except the 
nose, which, if its cartilaginous portion be bitten 
off, is valuable as a proof of courage and expe- 
rience. 

5. Physical ability to drink confusion to the 
opposition at all times, in all places, and in every 
sort of beverage, from the oily Otard of a senator 
to the blue ruin of a Councilman. 

6. A total absence of anything like conscience, 
it being plain that a tender moral sense is a 



PLANETS. 123 

troublesome snperflnitj, as mucli out of place in 
the bosom of an official as a pig in the grotto of 
a hom'i. 

7. A liberal soul, to be exhibited in con- 
tributing a large portion of his salary to the 
support of the party, and indemnifying himself 
for his generosity by lingering the public purse. 

Furnished with these physical, mental and 
moral qualifications, the employee takes his 
orbit in the system, and revolves, as planet or 
satellite, in the most delightful manner. He 
need do nothing but obey the law of gravitation, 
and reflect such light as may be evolved from 
the large luminary at Washington. It is no 
business of planets or satellites to be creative — 
they are merely reflective. Do you imagine, my 
benighted Ben Hassan, that a man, even in 
political life, should try to preserve some indi- 
viduality, self-respect, impartial judgment, rigor- 
ous integrity? You must come to America and 
be stripped of such absurd conceits. ISTow and 
then, to be sure, even here, some pestilent vapor- 
ing comet of a man shoots madly from his 
sphere, perplexing parties, and threatening to 
derange the entire harmony of this ingenious 
federal orrery ; but, as a conservative Turk, I am 
glad to say that such examples of orbital eccen- 
tricity are very rare. To prove this I take plea- 
sure in copying for your perusal some lecters 
which have recently came into my possession, 



124 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

and wliicli exhibit, in a truly j^leasing manner, 
the celestial concord prevailing in the national 
system of the United States. They were ad- 
dressed to the Chief Magistrate, and I think 
their filial fealty exceedingly touching. 



I. 

" Sddlime Sir : The boys who run with * 156,' of which com- 
pany I am a member, are proposing next Monday to ballot for 
a foreman. The candidates for the post are Tall Sykesey, One- 
Eyed Bill and the Baxter-street Buffer. As I have no desire to 
lose the valuable berth I now occupy under the Collector of the 
Port of New York, and at the same time desire to exercise the 
unspeakable privilege of the elective franchise on the occasion 
referred to, I must respectfully beg your Excellency to com- 
municate, at your Excellency's earliest convenience, any predi- 
lections your Excellency may entertain for any of the candidates 
above named. An early answer, either by letter or telegraphic 
rumor to the New York press, will greatly oblige, 
" Your Excellency's obedient servant, 

"John Stokes." 

II. 

" Immaculate Sir : I blush to say that I am about to choose 
a wife. I have two lovely females in view. The eyes of one 
are black — the eyes of the other are beautifully grey. As I 
should not like to jeopardize my situation of gauger in the New 
York Custom-house, by running counter to Your Excellency's 
ideas of womanly beauty, I beg leave to solicit from Your 
Excellency an expression of Your Excellency's views on this 
interesting subject. 

" My individual approval of black, as a color, might involve 
the party here in some trouble about the great African ques- 
tion; while my choice of grey eyes might subject us to some 



GOOD CHILDKElSr. 125 

complication with the late hero of Nicaragua. I therefore 
await, with natural, and I hope excusable, impatience. Your 
Excellency's decision. 

" With great respect and profound admiration, 

" T. Jefferson Smith." 



III. 

" Mighty Sir : The choir of the Methodist Church in Broad- 
way, of which choir I am a member, are about to elect a leader. 
As my position in the Post-office renders my action on this 
momentous occasion of the greatest importance to myself, the 
party, and the world, I take the liberty to consult Your Excel- 
lency in the matter. The candidates are Mr. Jones and Mr. 
Thompson. Mr. Jones has a good voice, but he is in favor of 
internal improvements, and his grandfather was a member of 
the Hartford Convention. Mr. Thompson's organ is not first- 
rate, but he is very ambitious as a vocalist, and was in favor of 
Lecompton. 

" I beg leave to throw upon the Executive the responsibility 
of a choice between these gentlemen. 

" Your Excellency's obedient servant, 

"Peter Fog." 



rv. 

" Magnificent Sir : My wife and I propose to have a roast 
goose for dinner next Sunday. She insists that it should be 
stuffed with sage and onions — I prefer that it should be stuffed 
with onions alone. As I am one of the few but unterrified 
Democrats in my ward, I am desirous that this difference in 
regard to an important internal domestic institution should be 
settled in strict accordance with the views of the administration, 
and I therefore beg an early expression of your Excellency's 
views upon this new ' goose question.' 

" I remain, sir, with profound respect, 

"A. Jackson Dusenbury." 



126 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

You may thus perceive, O son of Hassan, 
what singular fidelity characterizes the officials 
of the United States of America, and with what 
eminent consistency they work together to carry 
out the object of their government, which, as 
expressed in the preamble of their constitution, I 
find to be, " to form a more perfect union, estab- 
lish justice, provide for the common defence, 
promote the general welfare, and secure the 
blessings of liberty to themselves and their pos- 
terity." Do you venture to suggest that princi- 
ple is better than party, purity more profitable 
in the end than plunder, and a clear national 
conscience of more worth than all the material 
prosperity ever fostered by all distinguished men 
from the time of Potiphar to the present ; that 
the schemes of politicians to gain power and to 
keep it have been the efficient cause of the cor- 
ruption and the ruin of all Republics at all 
periods of history, and that the Great Republic 
of the "Western world cannot escape the same 
fate if her people allow themselves to be ruled 
by selfish partisans? Do you suggest such 
absurd ideas as these? Then you must travel, 
my friend, and expand your intellect. 

Lovingly, 

Mohammed. 



THE ]SriNTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear-Admiral Visits the Courts— His Opinion of Elected 
Judges— About Juries. 

To the Amiable hut Inexperienced Abel Ben Hassan, Atmosphere 
of my Lungs. 

I SHOULD hardly dare, O friend of my cMld- 
liood, to write you any account of the adminis- 
tration of justice in New York, unless I had 
enjoyed the acquaintance of a member of the 
Bar, and had learned from him some particulars 
of the i3ractice of his profession. A traveller 
who should depend entirely on his own observa- 
tion and study, could hardly fail to gain and 
give incorrect notions of such a subject. When, 
therefore, I began to visit the City Hall, to 
observe the manner in which the Perfection of 
Human Eeason is dealt out in the Courts, I took 
care to go m the company of a young attorney, 
who had kindly offered to illumine my path- 
way with the light of his experience. 

His name (though the great Saadi wisely says, 
" what's the significance of a name— an Antelope 

12T 



128 THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

would be quite as agile if she were called a Hip- 
po23otamiis ") is Mansfield Blackstone Jones — a 
good long name, which looks well on a sign, 
though he tells me, with some quaintness, that 
the infatuated public have not as yet rushed in 
large numbers to commit their characters and 
fortunes to his professional keeping, merely 
because a gilded sign thus inscribed was hung 
out in a conspicuous manner in the most crowded 
portion of ISTassau street. In truth, Jones has 
not yet attained a large stature of fame or for- 
tune. Theoretically he is a wise counsellor, an 
astute practitioner, an eloquent advocate ; but 
practically he employs most of his time in 
writing letters to lady correspondents, com- 
posing verses for the magazines, and blowing 
smoke out of the windows of his fourth-story 
office. 

" When I first opened the ofiice hereinbefore 
mentioned," says Jones, " I thought it would be 
necessary to employ a squad of policemen to 
keep order in the crowd of clients who would 
besiege the door ; but I now imagine that no 
such violent coercive measures will ever be 
indispensable. In fact, my practice is quite 
small, and my prospects equally limited. My 
landlady pays her rent punctually, so that I am 
not called upon to resist any summary proceed- 
ings for its collection. Her husband is so mild a 
man, with such a wholesome terror of the partner 



LAW AND LEISURE. 129 

of his bosom, that he will never be unfaithful to 
his wedding vows. 

'' My tailor has promised me his business, but 
hitherto he has made no suits of a legal charac- 
ter, and his bill is therefore much larger than 
mine can ever be. My female friends have had 
no occasions for actions of breach of promise to 
marry, their lovers having been altogether too 
ready to fulfill their engagements. A note 
which was given me to collect some months 
since, was paid by the maker on presentation, in 
the most heartless manner ; and a libel suit that 
I came near commencing against the editor and 
proprietor of the JBhcster^ was disposed of by a 
wholesale retraction and apology on the part of 
that fearless journalist ; and thus, you see, two 
pieces of prospective litigious cake were reduced 
to hopeless dough. IN^one of my Benedick 
friends are in the habit of pelting their wives 
with baked potatoes, so as to lay the foundation 
of an action for separate maintenance ; and my 
bachelor acquaintances avoid, in the most ab- 
surdly ungenerous manner, the commission of 
any indictable offence. In short, I am fast mak- 
ing up my mind to marry a rich wife, or a large 
business connection. I think that in view of my 
good manners and liberal education, I am enti- 
tled to do so." 

In the company of this young person I visited 
some of the courts. The first room we entered 
6* 



.1 



130 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

was devoted to criminal business (by wbich 
phrase I would not have you understand the 
ordinary chicanery of the profession, but the 
conviction and punishment of culprits who have 
insulted the majesty of the State). On entering 
this apartment, we were told by a blue-coated 
official to " find seats." Inasmuch as there were 
already some two hundred more people than 
chairs in the shrine of justice, we concluded to 
disregard this command, and content ourselves 
with being a Standing Committee of Inspection; 
my companion at the same time askmg the 
officer whether he had ever heard of the Croton 
Aqueduct, or Beau Brummell's remark about 
the value of clean linen, and whether his 
laundress was well off for soap. 

My attention was naturally attracted toward 
the dais on which the judge was seated. I will 
confess that his appearance was not venerable 
nor commanding, and had I not known that the 
Americans are a wise people, I should never 
have supposed him to be fitted, either by nature 
or acquirements, for the duties of his position. I 
noticed, however, that he displayed great vigor 
in the mastication of tobacco, and invariably 
prefaced the solemn sentence of a criminal to 
prison by a copious discharge of the resulting 
juice. 

On inquiring into the method of his appoint- 
ment, I was informed that he was elected by the 



THE JUDGE. 131 

enliglitened voters of the city. His liistoiy is a 
fine illustration of the manner in which true 
greatness and goodness are rewarded in a free 
community. He began life as a druggist's clerk. 
Finding in this business no scope for his aspiring 
genius, he renounced it for the post of third mate 
in a Liverpool packet, but sea-sickness having 
made him sick of the sea, he returned to New 
York, and immediately opened a law office in 
Centre street, near that airy edifice, the Egyptian 
Tombs. His scrupulous honesty and varied learn- 
ing soon surrounded him with a cloud of clients, 
and by his exertions he was enabled to retain in 
the bosom of society several hundred burglars, 
thieves and assassins, who might otherwise have 
been banished to the desolate shades of Sing 
Sing and the Island, while a large number of 
ruffians, whose straw bail, procured by him, was 
forfeited, were enabled to depart to other cities 
where they might pursue without interruption 
their ingenious vocations. Although he prac- 
tised his profession from motives of the most 
disinterested benevolence, yet he received from 
his clients such fees as they could afford, old 
clothes, household furniture, teaspoons, family 
Bibles, stolen watches, diamonds and plate, 
bowie-knives and revolvers, which he disposed 
of at auction ; and if the probabilities were that 
any culprits would be sentenced to the State 
Prison, he would take their money and other 



132 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

valuables "to keep for tliem," and wlien tlie 
jDi'isoners were discharged, after the lapse of two 
or three years, he would forget that he had ever 
met them ; discharged convicts being, of course, 
persons whose acquaintance it is not desirable to 
perj)etuate. In this way he acquired some 
wealth, and with it considerable influence. By 
spending all his leisure time in the grog-shops of 
the Sixth ward, for the purpose, I suppose, of 
warning the habitues of those establishments 
against the evils of intemperance, he secured the 
confidence of the voters whom he happened to 
meet there, and was soon known as a leading 
man in local politics. His merit was next recog- 
nized in Tammany Hall, where true merit is sure 
to be recognized, and he soon became distin- 
guished in the peaceful and ennobling discus- 
sions which were held in that famous edifice. 
By freely distributing his honest gains to the 
more needy members of that charitable society, 
the Columbian Order, he secured his nomination 
to the high office which he now holds, and was 
elected as a matter of course, since the voters of 
New York well know that any candidate who is 
nominated by the Sachems must be an embodi- 
ment of all the virtues. Since his accession 
to the Bench, justice has been busy with her 
golden scales (the scales being in her hands, and 
not over her eyes, as some libellers assert). 
Many boys and women have been immured by 



A COMPARISON. 133 

liim in tlie penitentiary for improvement and 
encouragement, and a large number of gamblers, 
rowdies and scoundrels of every type, have been 
admonished and set free, to reform themselves, 
and to work in the ranks of the party for the 
general good of society. I am pained to say 
that detraction and calumny have assailed the 
good name of this eminent dignitary, but I 
rejoice in believing that he will survive their 
attacks. He has that sublime self-assurance 
wliich springs from a clear conscience and a 
native talent. 

You, my inexperienced friend, sweet son of 
Hassan, knowing as little about the glorious 
system of elective judiciary as a Bactrian camel 
knows of Roman punch, may deem it essential 
to the purity and dignity of the Bench, that a 
man should be appointed thereto by a lofty im- 
partial power, and for a protracted tenure ; that 
he should be fitted by elaborate education for the 
solemn and delicate duties of his trust ; that no 
breath of suspicion should for an instant dim the 
lustre of his integrity ; that no political schemer 
should for a moment dare to assail him with 
intrigue or tempt him by impure motive; but 
you must remember that Constantinople and 
I^ew York are not geographically nor morally 
one and the same place. Great and good judges 
are reared here like great and good cabbages. 
They are fertilized by filth. They grow up crisp, 



134: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

pure, fresh, from the rich compost of elective cor- 
ruption. 

Before I had a chance to investigate further 
the mysteries of the criminal law, the atmosphere 
of the room became so oppressive that I retired 
to an adjacent apartment, where, as I was told 
by my companion, civil causes are tried. This 
tribunal is called the Circuit, he said, because 
justice here reaches the suitor in a circuit-ous 
manner, after a serpentine ramble of several 
years. You will at once perceive the immense 
advantages of such delay. If a man has a claim 
of ten thousand piastres, it will be doubled by 
the accretion of interest and costs before the suit 
is tried. If the debtor then appeals, the Court 
of General Term will, in the exercise of their 
better judgment, correct the blunders of their 
brother below, by ordering a new trial. After 
this new trial is had, another appeal to the Gen- 
eral Term adds another year to the life of the 
controversy. E'ext comes an appeal to the Court 
of Appeals, the calendar of which is so inge- 
niously arranged that two years elapse before the 
great questions of law arising upon the evidence 
can be argued before that eminent body. The 
Court of Appeals, thinking it apparent to every 
legal mind that the Supreme Court was egre- 
giously mistaken, send the cause back for a second 
new trial. This new trial follows, and is suc- 
ceeded by two more appeals ; but at last, glory 



THE CIECinT. 135 

be to the science of the law! a judgment for 
plaintiff is obtained, amounting in all to the sum 
of twenty-five thousand piastres. In the mean- 
time the defendent has become insolvent, and it 
becomes necessary to prosecute the sureties who 
have given security upon his various appeals; 
and thus another suit is commenced, another foot- 
ball of litigation kicked to and fro between 
ISTew York and Albany ; and when, finally, judg- 
ment is obtained against these sureties, it is dis- 
covered that one has gone out as consul to the 
Fejee Islands, and the other has made an assign- 
ment to his uncle for the benefit of his creditors, 
preferring the claims of his brother-in-law. But 
as the members of the Bar are busily employed 
all this time, and enabled to line their pockets 
and develop their intellects, I do not see why 
such delay is not a good thing. 

As I entered the Circuit, the judge who pre- 
sided was engaged in fiercely striking his desk 
with a mallet. I thought at first that he might 
be selling his services at public auction, under 
the hammer, but was assured by Jones that I 
was in error. " This is to preserve order," said 
J. — "we estimate the sterling character of a 
justice by the number of pounds on his desk." 
A measure of quiet having been restored by the 
vigorous muscles of his honor, the counsel for 
the plaintiff rose to sum up his case to the jury. 
He assured the twelve men before him that they 



136 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

were tlie most intelligent, enlightened, conscien- 
tious, scrupulous, irreproachable, clear-headed, 
upright Christian men he had ever met with in 
the course of an immensely long professional 
experience ; that trial hy jury was the bulwark 
of American liberty, the life of American patri- 
otism, the safeguard of America in the past, the 
life of America for the future. He was over- 
whelmed with joy at the idea of committing the 
interests of his client to their protection. He 
gloried in the opportunity they had to vindi- 
cate the honor, dry the tears, close the wounds, 
assuage the grief of that accomplished citizen 
and honest man, the plaintiff. He did not wish 
to assail the reputation of the defendant, but the 
sternest duty compelled the inference that he 
was an unblushing perjurer and a treacherous 
villain, and he was at a loss to conceive how he 
could liave sneaked into the temple of Themis, or, 
having sneaked therein, could succeed in hold- 
ing up his head. He then reviewed the evidence 
for two hours and a half, and wound up with a 
glowing eulogy on the character of "Washington, 
and the danger of interference by the United 
States with the affairs of Nicaragua. 

The action, dear Abel, was for damages for 
breach of warranty on a sale of a horse. 

The learned Court then charged the Jury for 
the space of one hundred and twenty minutes. 
He reviewed the Common Law of England, the 



DE JIJKE. 137 

Pandects of Justinian, the Code ITapoleon, and 
the Kevised Statutes of ^N^ew York. He pre- 
sented the evidence in a somewhat different 
aspect from those exhibited bj the counsel for 
the respective parties, namely, by winding it up 
in a large ball, unwinding it, and lastly winding 
it up again and tossing it at the heads of the 
twelve Intelligences, as who should say — 
" unravel that if you can, my gentle ostriches." 
The Intelligences left the room with counten- 
ances that denoted extreme lucidity, and 

disagreed. 

I was then astonished and pained to hear the 
counsel for the plaintiff say, in a stage whisper, 
that they were a set of asses. How could he 
have changed his opinion so soon ? Oh, friend 
of my sternum and clavicles, do you suppose the 
able advocate really thought trial by jury to be 
such a Bulwark, Fortress, Safeguard, Palladium 
Hope, Treasure, as he described ? Is it possible 
that twelve men, selected at random, without 
mental discipline, without judicial experience, of 
diverse tastes and habits of thought, or no tastes 
and habits of thought at all, required to agree 
unanimously upon the weight of evidence of 
which they have no memoranda, and which has 
perhaps been misrepresented to them in three 
different ways — can form a good tribunal for 
the enforcement of right, the disentanglement of 
complication? Is not the presumption strong 



138 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

tliat tliey will fall into a childish subserviency to 
whim, or prejudice, or forensic brilliancy, or 
mere weariness ? 

All of which is none of my business nor yonrs 
aither. 

Devotedly thine, 

Mohammed. 



THE TEIS'TH EPISTLE. 

The Kear Admiral goes to Church. 
To the Delectable Abel Ben Hassan, Blue Bird of my Aviary. 

Whex I first a]3proaclied tlie city of ^ew York, 
my eyes were delighted by the sight of numerous 
sacred spires pointed gracefully and silently to 
the sky from among the lower and more worldly 
buildings around them. Many of these are sur- 
mounted by weathercocks. Some are tipped by 
the shining symbol of the Cross, whose power 
and beauty I am too much a cosmopolitan to 
deny. Most of them are provided with bells, 
which every seventh day sweetly call the peoj)le 
together to listen to the words of wisdom and 
exhortations to a better life. I was gratified to 
think how good must be the population among 
whom I was to spend some months. 

Here, said I to the Rear Admiral of the Turk- 
ish navy, dwell a collection of men and women 
who profess and practise what, as a philosopher, 
I must admit to be a perfect form of faith — the 

139 



140 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

gospel of entire unselfishness, profound liumilitj, 
utter self-abnegation, pure love to one's neighbor, 
springing from and nurtured by love to the 
Founder of Christianity. In these churches they 
meet upon a Sabbath-day in a docile spirit, to be 
better instructed in this faith, to be spiritually 
refreshed and strengthened, so that they may go 
forth triumphantly to fight and conquer the Great 
Adversary during the ensuing week. They are 
thus so enlightened in their consciences, invig- 
orated in their wills, purified in their passions, by 
these devotional exercises, that a truly virtuous 
life becomes normal and easy for them. Mr. 
Coupon spends his secular hours, especially those 
passed in Wall, Broad, and Nassau streets, in 
preferring integrity to knavery, truth to decep- 
tion, j astice to self-interest, godliness to gain, and, 
generally, in doing exactly to his neighbor as he 
would that that lovely personage should do to 
him. Mrs. Coupon occupies her week days with 
discouraging scandal, dispensing quiet charity, 
j)ractising thoughtful economy for the sake of 
doing good, stifling vanity, forgiving her female 
enemies, and, by precept and example, stimulat- 
ing her daughters to a sincere, sober, dutiful life. 
What a delightful political, mercantile, and 
social condition must bloom up from such cul- 
ture as this ? 

On a sunny morning of the first day of the 
second week of my sojourn here, I requested my 



IRIDESCENCE. 141 

yoiiBg fellow-lodger at the St. Mcholas, Tompkins 
Eflendi, to conduct me to one of these numerous 
sanctuaries. He proposed that we should attend 
the church of the Shining Kaleidoscope, and so we 
went thither. On our entering the sacred edifice, 
the sexton received ns quite coolly, as if to say 
" What business have you in this establish- 
ment?" but when my companion opened his 
coat and displayed a diamond breastpin of inor- 
dinate size, the face of the official suddenly blos- 
somed with smiles, and he conducted us to an 
excellent pew in the central aisle. 

My attention was first attracted by the unique 
decorations of the walls and ceiling. The prin- 
cipal colors used in the work of adornment were 
light blue, bright yellow, and deep red, each 
endeavoring to display itself to the best advan- 
tage. Their effect, when combined with all the 
other tints of the rainbow, shed through the 
stained glass w^indows, was somewhat remark- 
able; and I observed that a portly lady just 
behind me had, as a result of the play of light, 
a green forehead, blue nose, yellow lips, purple 
chin, orange hair, and a patch of deep violet 
over the left eye. Indeed, I had observed no 
such startling style of ornamentation anywhere 
else, except in the brilliant restaurant of Mr. 
Taylor, in Broadway. Wonderful, O my Libyan 
lion, is the power of association — for such was 
the influence of this paint upon my imagination, 



142 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

that I came near asking the usher, who was 
promenading the aisle, to bring me a lamb 
stuffed with pistachio nuts, and a vase of iced 
sherbet. 

The services commenced presently, by read- 
ings on the part of a person who occupied a box 
in the rear of the building, and responses from a 
portion of the congregation. The reader pitched 
his voice so that it seemed to issue from his toes, 
and you may judge, therefore, that his intona- 
tions were hardly natural (since he did not stand 
on his head), but as it was his office to deal with 
the supernatural, it may be presumed that such 
sepulchral utterances were appropriate to the 
occasion. 

ISText came a song of praise by four persons in 
the organ-loft. How beautifully they warbled ! 
I was carried straight back to the opera with its 
pride and pomp of scenic illusions, intoxicating 
sounds, brilliant eyes, brilliant jewels, dazzling 
toilettes, immaculate kids. The soprano led off 
with a splendid staccato passage, in which the 
high notes danced and capered like lambs on a 
hill-side. Then she ceased, and the tenor took 
up the strain, and prolonged it with clear trum- 
pet tones ; then he stopped, and the contralto 
sang a few sweet notes ; and, lastly, the basso 
added his voice to those of the other three, and 
the whole party commenced a terrific scuffle for 
supremacy in the final fugue. The contest was 



A DISTINCTION. 143 

exciting, and the result doubtful for a few 
moments, but at last the soprano was victorious, 
ending with a tremendous trill, which entirely 
silenced her antagonists. I lifted my hands to 
applaud, but was checked by my friend, who 
informed me that, however delighted I might be 
with the performance, I ixmst not express my 
gratification in the same way that I would at 
the Academy of Music. Though this distinc- 
tion seemed to be rather nicely drawn, I, of 
course, yielded to the suggestions of his expe- 
rience. 

The Ten Commandments were read by the 
individual in the rear of the building, and many 
of the audience expressed a desire that they 
might be enabled to keep each law. Sublime 
precepts are those ten, my son of Hassan, stern 
in diction, pregnant with significance, divine 
throughout — the statutes of the universe — valid 
and obligatory alike in Persia, Pekin, Patagonia, 
Paris; compelling the conscience of the world, 
solemnizing the hearts of all men everywhere, 
commanding, as they do, monotheism, reverence, 
filial obedience, and a just regard for the persons, 
property, virtue, and good name of others. And 
so 1 thought that if the thousand people in the 
church of the Shining Kaleidoscope, who ex- 
pressed in such a proper manner their desire to 
keep those laws, together with the thousands 
more who, on the same day, expressed the same 



144: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

desire, sliould simultaneously succeed, the world 
in general, and Manhattan Island in particular, 
would grow suddenly better. 

Must I confess that, after such a sublime reli- 
gious generalization as the two tables of Moses, 
the sermon which followed from the Kev. Dr. 
Heliotrope did not seem by any means immense ? 
As far as I could understand the discourse, its 
object seemed to be to prove that within the 
walls of the church of the Shining Kaleidoscope, 
there is safety, peace, comfort, hope, happiness 
here, and plenty of future reward for such hap- 
piness hereafter ; that the earth, sun, moon, and 
stars, comets and nebulae, and every other thing, 
together with all mental and moral phenomena 
and laws, were created and are administered with 
reference to certain articles of belief which no- 
body but the Rev. Dr. Heliotrope can explain ; 
that the surcharged batteries of Allah's love and 
mercy electrify but one wire, thrill but one helix, 
energize but one magnet, and that the Rev. Dr. 
Heliotrope has sole charge of the telegraph 
office ; that to visit the widow and the fatherless, 
and to keep oneself unspotted from the world 
will avail no man or woman except imder the 
supervision of the Rev. Dr. Heliotrope; that 
outside the walls of the church of the Shining 
Kaleidoscope there is nothing but wretched- 
ness, want, nakedness, despair, madness, infidel- 
ity, chaos, Old I^ight, and — schism. "When I 



QTJEEIES. 145 

heard this, I felt very sorry for all the well- 
meaning people in all the other sanctuaries I 
have spoken of. Poor deluded individuals ! why 
do they not rush forthwith and hide themselves 
in the fold of the Hev. Dr. Heliotrope, buy pews 
in his establishment, contribute to his salary, 
sleep through his discourses, and so save them- 
selves from trouble here and destruction here- 
after ? 

Does any one dare to assert that this sermon 
savored of spiritual pride, of intolerable and 
intolerant arrogance ? that it would be far better 
that the Rev. Dr. Heliotrope and his congrega- 
tion of admirers should demonstrate, by some 
sort of practical piety, the possibility of a church 
in this wicked world, rather than prate noisily 
about the supreme claims of the church to which 
they happen to be affiliated? Let any one so 
assert at his own risk. 

When we left the church of the Shining 
Kaleidoscope and strolled hotel-ward, I ventured 
to ask my young companion his opinion of the 
doctrine enunciated by the Rev. Dr. Heliotrope. 
He did not reply distinctly, but I caught a faint 
sound issuing from his lips resembling the 
following : 

and after a few moments of silence he spoke as 
follows : 

" My beloved Pasha, I know a minister of the 

1 



146 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Gospel in tliis town wlio does not in the least 
resemble tlie Kev. Dr. Heliotrope. He did not 
embrace his profession for the sake of gain and 
fame and anthoritj, but that he might be the 
instrument in the Divine Hand of raising some 
souls from the death of self-seeking, to the life of 
noble, disinterested endeavor. For this object 
he does not preach dogmatic and polemic the- 
ology, but a living faith, applicable to every 
exigency of the hour. He does not attack his- 
toric sin, but the sins that desecrate the present 
time. He prefers his own form of ecclesiastical 
government, but does not quarrel with the pre- 
ferences of others — for religion is not with him a 
matter of form at all, but a vital principle, which 
enters the heart, scourging out therefrom the 
money-changers of evil, and making it a fit tem- 
ple for the indwelling of the Divine Presence, 
with the orderly accompaniment of consecration, 
worship, sacrifice. He has an idea that this 
world was not made, and is not governed, en- 
tirely, by the Devil ; and he therefore appeals, at 
all times, to the noblest motives, in confident 
expectation that the heart of his hearer will 
respond. Yet there is nothing softly saponaceous 
in his entreaties, and, if need be, he can play the 
part of Boanerges in denouncing hypocrisy, lust, 
oppression, and all uncharitableness. He is not 
a pale recluse, but a cheerful healthy student of 
human nature and affairs, having no fear of the 



MODEEiq^ PAUL. -[4.7 

world, teclinicallj so called, but only of tlie evil 
that is ill the world ; and, like his Master, he can 
sit at meat with publicans and sinners, always 
with dignity, if by so doing he can do them 
good. He is something more than a preacher, 
being a joyful guest at a wedding, a sympathiz- 
ing friend in a sick chamber, a gracious host in 
his own house. He is honored by the elders, 
and especially beloved by the young people of 
his flock. The young men and maidens are 
especially encouraged by his precepts and 
example to active charity. He has organized 
them into an association for the purpose of help- 
ing and teaching the heathen of their own city— 
quite as profitable employment, possibly, as 
polking at charity balls and working embroid- 
ered slippers for their pastor. And though, like 
the Apostle Paul, he scouts the bondage of any 
sort of formalism, and rejoices in the perfect 
freedom of Christian manhood, and though all 
churches of the Shining Kaleidoscope regard 
him as a miserable schismatic, yet I have some 
hope for him. And even if he should not be 
saved according to the Kaleidoscope plan of sal- 
vation, but utterly lost according to the Kaleido- 
scope plan of perdition— what then ?" 

I could not answer this last question of my 
friend, but only fell to thinking how strange it 
was that, while in this great city of :N"ew York 
there is so much evil and woe and want— while 



148 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

crime is stalking boldly in so many streets, and 
poverty is crouching grimly at so many tlires- 
Jiolds — while vanity and sensuality are claiming 
so many victims, and the frost of fashionable 
selfishness is freezing so many hearts — that the 
Rev. Dr. Heliotrope can find no better employ- 
ment for his intellect than proving that he has a 
monopoly of the means of saving a ruined world. 
O, Abel Ben Hassan, is there not in this some 
food for mental digestion ? 

Thine, reverently, 

Mohammed. 



[Fbom W, W. H.] 

New York, January 12, 1869. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir: In the JVew York Herald for 
January 11, in the year of Our Lord 1859, I 
found the following paragraph : 

" An unknown woman was found frozen to death, near the 
corner of Second Avenue and Fiftieth street, yesterday (Mon- 
day) morning. The following description of her person was 
given by the police : Deceased was about nineteen years of 
age, medium height, slightly built, regular and pretty features, 
light hair, neatly braided, and large grey eyes. An inquest will 
be held to-day." 

And thereupon I sat down and wrote the fol- 
lowing lines, which I hereby dedicate to the 
Rev. Dr. Heliotrope ; and respectfully ask him to 
explain to me, if he can, why young girls, with 
features pretty or otherwise, should perish like 
house-flies within gunshot of Stuyvesant Square. 

149 



150 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Frozen to death, so j^oung and fair. — 
Regular features and large grey eyes, 
Flaxen hair, 
Braided with care, 
Slender body, as cold as ice ; 
Who knows her name, 
Her story, her fame ; 
Had she a good or an evil fame ; 
And who in Charity's name's to blame, 
That a girl so young yields up her breath, 
Frozen to death ? 

Second Avenue — Fiftieth-street ? 

These are streets of a Christian city, 
Trodden each day by Christian feet 
Of men who have store of money and meat. 
And women whose souls are pure and sweet. 

Filled with truth and ruth and pity : 
There is a church, with slender spire 
Pointing gracefully up to the sky. 
Pointing to something better and higher 
Than anything open to mortal eye : 
All Sabbath time 
The sweet bells' chime 
Rings from the steeple. 
Calling the people 
To come to prayer and praise beneath ; 
On Monday morn, 
A young forlorn 
And hapless girl yields up her breath. 
Frozen to death. 

There is a mansion costly and tall, 

Builded for pride and plenty and pleasure — 
Hark to the music that bursts from the hall. 
And watch the shadows that dance on the wall, 

As the dancers dance through their merry measure. 



who's to bla:me? 151 

The purple curtains are waved aside — ■ 

Peep through the window, and see the throng 
Of the young who amble and leap and glide, 
And the old who watch them with looks of pride ; 
There are junketing, jollity, jest, and song, — 
Careless, thoughtless, happy throng ; 
Careless of right, yet thinking no wrong, 
As the gilded hours flash along : 
Why should they grieve 
On Monday eve, 
Though on Monday morn, 
Ah ! fate forlorn ! 
A fair young girl gave up her breath, 
Frozen to death ? 

A lovely lady is driving this way, 

With velvet and satin and furs bedight ; 
Fine and warm is her rich array. 
With its ample folds and colors gay, 
Proof 'gainst the cold of the coldest day ; 

And her eyes are brimming with liquid light 
For she looks on her lover who sits by her side, 

In the carriage that grandly rolls along : 
What wonder her face is glorified 
With flushes of hope and joy and pride. 

Since she is lovely and he is strong ; 
And thus at noon they pass the spot, 
Yet heed it not, — 
Where at early morn 
A poor forlorn 
And hapless girl gave up her breath, 
Frozen to death. 

men ! who have store of money and meat, 
And women whose souls are pure and sweet : 
worshipping thousands ! who meekly meet, 
And prayer and praise and text repeat : 



152 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

young ! who amble and leap and glide, 
And old who watch the young with pride : 
lovely lady ! driving along 

In your carriage grand and clothing gay — 
lusty lover ! so tall and strong, 
Tell me, I pray you, if tell you may, 
In Charity's name, 
Are you to blame, 
That in a street of a Christian city. 
With none save God to see or pity, 
A fair young girl yields up her breath, 
Frozen to death ? 

My beloved Translator, I remain 

Your most valued Friend, 



W. W. H. 



THE ELEYENTH EPISTLE. 



The Rear Admiral Accepts an Invitation to Mrs. Coupon's 
Grand Ball. 

To the Fragrant Abel Ben Hassan, Perfume of my Olfactories. 

Man is bj nature a social being. 

"Woman is also proverbially and curiously 
gregarious in her habits. 

There can be no true civilization without 
genuine social refinement. 

There can be no perfect development of the 
individual without the attrition of society. 

Li society we become polished, as rough 
diamonds are made resplendent by friction. 

In society we recognize our neighbor, and 
learn to love that personage. 

In society we meet persons as good or bet- 
ter than ourselves, and thus are emptied of 
arrogance, and filled with humility. 

In society 

But why, my scarlet pomegranate, should I 

Y* 153 



154: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

say more words of wisdom to you, who are by 
no means foolish, though perhaps as yet slightly 
unsophisticated ? The above are only a few of 
the reflections that passed through my mind 
when I received last week a card assuring me 
that Mrs. Coupon would be at home on Thursday 
evening — (where else should she be, in the name 
of the Prophet?) In order that I might fully 
understand the meaning of this document, I 
immediately consulted Mr. Tompkins, my young 
fellow-lodger at the St. Nicholas. 

"What does this signify, O youthful but expe- 
rienced friend ?" 

" It means many things, my delightful Pasha ; 
among others, that you are mvited to a party at 
the elegant, sumptuous, etc., etc., mansion of 
Mrs. Coupon, together with some of her other 
friends." 

" That will be truly charming," said I, " both 
for the lady and her guests. They will meet and 
renew the joys of former days. Many of them 
are, doubtless, friends of her childhood, with 
whom she played in her early years. Others 
were companions of her blooming youth, around 
whom the tendrils of her purest feelings twined. 
The rest have acquired the respect and the confi- 
dence of her later life. She invites them because 
she loves them dearly. She has said to the 
partner of her bosom : ' Beloved Bulbul, let us 
call together our precious ones.' Tliere will be, 



A WILD IDEA. 155 

perhaps, twenty-five in all, who will meet in 
frank, informal manner for sweet converse, 
honest congratulation, gentlest sympathy, hearty 
good cheer, true conviviality." 

The placid Tompkins removed his regalia from 
his mouth, and replied : 

" My turbaned Turk, did you ever happen to 
hear of a precious stone called the emerald, and 
do you recollect its color? Yes, it is deeply, 
beautifully green. I beg you will not consider 
me as insinuating that a similar hue ornaments 
your lovely character, yet believe me the assem- 
bly to which you are requested to come at the 
mansion of Coupon will not precisely correspond 
with the ideal you have depicted. Its numbers 
will be larger, and its immediate objects some- 
what different. But you should see for yourself, 
and, as I have a card, I shall be proud to go with 

you." 

So, on Thursday evening, I was ready at 8 p.m. 
precisely ; but, being informed that it would be 
highly absurd to go before ten, we arrived at the 
mansion of Coupon at the latter hour. We were 
immediately showed to a dressing-room, where we 
found a large party of gentlemen, young and old, 
engaged in the laborious occupation of putting 
on gloves of a light and pleasant hue. Some of 
these persons had obtained good seats, fragrant 
cigars, and tumblers of exliilarating punch, and 
seemed to be too well satisfied with their position 



156 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

and employment, to think of going down to revel 
in the society of their dear friend, Mrs. Coupon. 
The rest, however, moved on to the drawing- 
room, and we followed them, and were duly 
presented to our hostess. 

Must I confess, O golden pippin of my heart's 
orchard, that the good lady was not in tlie men- 
tal and physical condition I had anticipated; 
that she was not rejoicing in sweet converse, 
honest congratulations, gentle sympathy, hearty 
good cheer, true conviviality ? That she did 
not appear to have collected around her some 
two score of the dear friends, who beautified and 
enlarged her life, with whom she might veritably 
recreate her past happiness ; that, on the con- 
trary, she was well-nigh drowned in a crowd 
that rolled and surged, and flashed and roared 
around her, until her matronly face actually 
wore the expression of a swimmer fiercely buf- 
fetting the waves — a sort of melancholy despe- 
ration beclouding it ? Poor Mrs. C. ! she seemed 
to be in trouble. What could have been the 
matter with her ? 

Having bowed respectfully to this worthy 
female, we passed on to survey the company 
assembled. In order to furnish you with the 
most reliable information, I obtained from my 
observing and learned friend a little tabular 
statement of the guests, who were arranged in 
relative proportions about as follows : 



MT TABLES. 157 

5 Bachelor Politicians. 

6 Artists. 

1 Hungarian count. 

1 French ditto. 

1 General. 

2 Colonels. 
4 Captains. 

8 Lieutenants. 

4 Literati, old and seedy. 

6 do young do. 

1 Exile, very melancholy. 

2 Judges. 

20 Lawyers, merchants and doctors. 

25 Men-about-town. 

80 Dancing men. 

40 Anxious mothers. 

SO Young ladies who dance. 

20 do. (?) do. who do not dance. 
2 Persons called by Tompkins " Dragons." 

50 People "I don't exactly know, I have such a horrid 

memory for names." 

357 

If you wish to know tlie composition of a 
party tliat shall be twice as large as this, you 
may multiply each of the above figures by two. 

The habits of these individuals seemed to be as 
various as their titles and dress. The bachelor 
politicians flirted with the better looking mar- 
ried ladies ; the artists stood in picturesque posi- 
tions and said nothing ; the Hungarian count 
looked savage, the French count gay ; the 
general looked magnificent; the colonels less 
magnificent ; the lieutenants not at all magnifi- 



158 THE PASIIA PArEKS. 

cent ; the nine literati evidently felt called npon 
to say sonietliing- very entertaining, bnt refrained, 
lest each should appropriate and publish the 
brilliant speeches of the others ; the two judges 
looked down on the twenty professional and 
business men who looked up ; the nien-about- 
town stared pleasantly at passers-by, as if to say : 
What the deuce brought you here, you miser- 
able workers for a living? The dancing men 
danced excellently well, and all the ladies were, 
of course, cliarn\ing, agreeable, rehued, intelli- 
gent, lo.vely and brilliant, as Heaven's last, best 
gift to man always can be, as every reporter for 
the morning newspapers well knows. 

But, O companion of my earlier years, as a 
pensive student of the hunum race, I was espe- 
cially impressed with the dancing men. It is a 
good thing for a young gentleman to be able 
to dance gracefully, to trip his fantastic toes 
without any danger of tripping, to career in 
astounding style through a crowded saloon ; it 
is peculiarly delicious, probably, for him to do 
all this with his arms full of palpitating female 
loveliness, a soft hand clinging to his shoulder, 
a flushed fair cheek close to his own, a quick 
balmy breath stirring his right Avhisker; but 
when the young gentleman can do nothing else, 
then he becomes wonderful to look upon. 
Reliect, O Abel Hassan, npon the young gentle- 
man in question, born a purple baby into this 



maeioxnettf:3. 159 

puzzling world Bome quarter of a centurj ago ; 
nursed with infinite trouble through infancy and 
child [lood, trained with birchen rod through 
all his boyish days ; some prayers offered up 
for his guidance ; some ambitions possibly 
kindled in his own soul ; a long line of ancestors, 
perhaps, watching him ; all history admonishing 
him ; the mysteries of learning and science, the 
eloquent language of beauty, the solemnities of 
religion, calling him to knowledge, vision, rever- 
ence ; society and his country demanding his 
contribution of duty; and behold his exertions 
in the matter of life have culminated in the gym- 
nastics of the German and the Esmeralda! O 
well dressed young gentlemen, with your well-cut 
peg-tops, well-fitting swallow-tail, immaculate 
kids, spotless linen, tonsorially triumphant curls, 
slender moustache and pink eyes, you, as dancing 
man, have a jjlace in the planet, and we cannot 
say that you do not fill it well ! At any rate, 
you have not lived entirely in vain, if you have 
afforded to my friend, Abel Ben Hassan, some 
food for thought. 

When supper was announced, the entire com- 
pany streamed into the room where the table 
^vs.ii spread, and attacked the viands w^ith an 
energy that is peculiar to theiiational character. 
Among those who ate m5fft heartily were the 
artists, the literati, and, the oM-young ladies, 
particularly the two dragons. These latter, 



160 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

thoiigli quite slender and bony, according to the 
conventional notion of dragons, displayed im- 
mense powers of distension. The men-about- 
town did not eat anything. They take their 
food, as I am informed, entirely in a liquid form, 
so that their bill of fare for a day may be 
arranged as follows : 

Breakfast Cocktail. 

Lunch do. 

Dinner Brandy and water. 

Supper do. 

The dancing men were so kind as to wait 
devotedly on the good-looking young ladies, and 
gained great credit for their exertions in so 
doing. One in particular, whom I observed, was 
very valorous. He fought his way from the 
corner of the room to the table, demolishing a 
lace skirt, two bracelets, and a watch-chain, per- 
taining to the opposing crowd, and took posses- 
sion of a plate, a fork, a pair of oysters, a slice of 
jpate^ a spoonful of salad, a variety of miscellan- 
eous relishes, and a glass of champagne. With 
these he fought his way back, with such daring 
and success, that he spilled the champagne on 
the carpet, dropped the oysters in his own sleeve, 
deposited the pate and salad in the waistcoat 
of the general, and at last succeeded in present- 
ing the object of his admiration and efforts with 
a fork, an olive, a piece of plate, and the neck of 
a goblet. 



POOR TOMPKINS. 161 

Soon after supper I met the usually placid 
Tompkins with a look of horror depicted on his 
face. On mj inquiring the cause of this extra- 
ordinary expression, he said he had, in a moment 
of temporary insanity, commenced a conver- 
sation upon literary topics with a fine-looking 
young woman. She professed to be enthusiastic 
in her study of the best authors, and the de- 
lighted Tompkins, thinking that he had dis- 
covered a congenial talker, began to dilate 
largely. Happening to speak of Scott's novels, 
and naturally enough of Rob Roy, the following 
colloquy ensued : 

Tompkins. — " Rob Roy is a very clever work 
— ^the style is exquisite." 

Young- Woman. — "Yery." 

Tompkins. — " Di Yernon is a noble character." 

Young Woman. — (thoughtfully,) " Yery — ^how 
well he must have looked in a kilt !" 

" My dear Pasha," said Tompkins, " do you 
think it was strictly moral for that young 
woman to speak in that way? She might have 
been good and pretty and accomplished without 
having read Scott's ]S"ovels, but she certainly 
cannot be honest if not having read them she 
pretends to me that she has. And then consider 
the absurdity, not to say indelicacy, of arraying 
the beautiful daughter of Yernon in a kilt. Let 
us leave this gay and festive scene, and halls of 
dazzling light. My fascinating Rear Admiral, 



162 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

wliat is your tlieoiy now of the origin of this 
social assembly? Did Mrs. Coupon climb the 
knee of lier lord and whisper lovingly in his ear, 
' Let ns call together our neighbors and friends 
and rejoice with them in our mutual sym- 
pathies,' or did she take a telescopic view of him 
across the breakfast table, saying, ' Mr. C, we 
must give a party, and invite seven hundred 
people ? I would be obliged to you if you would 
order the wine.' " 

So we retired, and the last thing I observed, 
as I left the mansion, was the bewildered and 
doleful countenance of our worthy hostess, seem- 
ing to say in the language of the blessed 
Alcoran, " Anguish is the dower of woman." 

Thine ever, 

Mohammed. 



[Feom Mrs. Coupon.] 

Madison Square, February, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir: I regret that your Turkish friend 
should have abused my hospitality by giving to 
the Public a false idea of my grand ball of 

the th instant. I will not retort upon him 

by saying that he is a gander ; but will simply 
claim that he is mistaken in his notions concern- 
ing social life. 

He seems to suppose that the object of a 
" party " is to collect about one one's intimate 
friends, and have a good time. This is perfectly 
absurd. People give parties — I gave my party 
— in the discharge of social duties — and not for 
the pleasure of the thing at all. Does any one 
suppose there is any pleasure in slaving for days 
and days to get things ready for a party ? Is 
there any pleasure in surrendering one's best 
bed-chambers for ladies to prink in, and gentle- 
men to smoke and guzzle in ? Is it delightful to 



164: THE PASHA PAPEES. 

pay for a splendid supper, and then have half of 
it spilled on the carpet ? Is it luxurious to wait 
two hours for the people to come, and wait two 
hours still more anxiously, for them to go ? Was 
there anything positively charming in putting 
young Twaddler to bed, when he was unable, 
from a superfluity of champagne, to leave my 
house ? Was the row down-stairs between my 
own servants and the confectioner's a nice thing 
to have in the bosom of one's family ? I think 
not. 

I gave my grand ball in a spirit of sacrifice. 
"When I stood near the door of my front parlor 
and received the army of guests, I felt the 
heroism of the old Greek — what's his name? — 
at the pass of — what do you call it ? When I 
talked and talked to people whom I did not 
know, and for whom I did not care a ^g, I 
imagined myself a missionary preaching to the 
Kickapoo Indians. When I heard my dear 
female friends criticising my furniture and dress, 
and wondering whether my horrid daughter 
would catch Tenpersent, I realized the martyr- 
dom of St. Somebody when the arrows pierced 
his body. When next morning I adminis- 
tered soda-water to young Twaddler, I felt 
the sweet satisfaction of a Florence Nightin- 
gale in the hospitals of — joii know where I 
mean. 

I think, sir, that I deserve the syn)pathy, 



165 

rather than the sarcasms of the Ottoman. If 
we, of the first people of New York, did not 
deny ourselves and give grand balls, what would 
become of Society ? 

Jane Coupon. 



[From Tompkins Effendi.] 

Dear Translator : 

Since you have seen fit to make public 
my little conversation with a well-dressed young 
lady at the grand ball of our friend Mrs. Coupon, 
I see no reason why I should not inflict upon you 
such other sentiments on the subject of juvenile 
femininity as I may happen to entertain. Will 
you read patiently ? 

When I went to see our eminent tragedian, 
Leatherlungs, play Hamlet, I was particularly 
impressed with the grandeur of his acting in his 
first scene with the fair Ophelia. He clutched 
that simple girl by the hand, and held her hard ; 
then, staring at her with eyes that resembled an 
astonished hippogriff 's, he inquired of her in a 
tone of gurgling pathos — to be heard only on the 
stage — " Are you honest ?'' The effect of this 
was startling. I was not surprised that Ophelia 
was terror-stricken at the fierceness of Leather- 
lungs' countenance when he propounded this 
purely personal question, especially as the sweet 

166 



HOW IS IT? 167 

creature well knew that her Father and the 
King, combining and confederating to bam- 
boozle her lover, were watching the interview 
from behind the wings. I was somewhat terri- 
fied myself ; and fearing that the culmination of 
the tragedy would quite unnerve me, I left the 
theatre and strolled up Broadway, admiring the 
muscular strength of Leatherlungs, the genius of 
Shakspeare, and the depth of meaning concealed 
in the question of Hamlet to Ophelia — " Are you 
Honest?" 

And as that evening I sat in my window, in 
the fifth story of this extensive hotel (we some- 
times playfully call that story our Fifth avenue), 
and looked at the stars shining down change- 
lessly and truthfully on warehouse and street, on 
the just and the unjust, with light so pure and 
eternal, the same question kept ringing in my 
ears, and I wished to go forth and ask it of every 
fair Ophelia I know. 

I am agile enongh in the Redowa and Lan- 
ders to be admitted into all our good society, 
and I wish to whisper to my fair friends who are 
reigning beauties in the Kepublican Court of 
Gotham, the same startling qnery: "Young 
ladies ! are you honest ?" You need not toss so 
scornfully your pretty " little head sunning over 
with cnrls," Miss Clementina. You need not 
rustle yonr expanded moird antique so indig- 
nantly, Miss Arabella; we experienced bache- 



168 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

lors are not to be put down by tbe wave of a 
fan; tlie impertinent question must be asked, and 
I presume my friend the Translator will give it 
some circulation. 

People are honest, I suppose, in two ways : 
honest to themselves, honest to others. 

I make bold to speak directly to Miss Coupon, 
daughter of our worthy hostess. Everybody 
knows Miss Coupon — that is everybody who 
goes out of town in the summer. She was gifted 
by Providence with a fine constitution, a good 
brain, a handsome presence, a rich father. She 
was kept for some years at one of our best 
schools, Vvdiere accomplishments, solid learning, 
and sterling moral principles, are instilled by the 
quarter. That is an excellent library she has, 
presented by her affectionate mother, who pro- 
cured it to be selected by the Kev. Dr. Helio- 
ti-ope — its books are numerous and well bound. 
She may have anything else she may wish, from 
an embroidered handkerchief to a caparisoned 
saddle horse. She has only to long for an object 
and she has it — if money can procure it. She 
might have some of the moon's silver, if her 
solemn father could find in market any exchange 
on that luminary. Every appliance for physical 
and mental development is at her hand. And 
with all these ten talents, Miss Coupon, are you 
honest, to your dear self even ? I will own that 
I was shocked when I met you at the Ball lately 



PHYSIOLOGICAL. 169 

given at the Academy of Music for the benefit 
of Babies. How you seemed to be changed from 
the rosy school-girl whose books I used to carry 
of a fine morning ! I wish I dared to hiss quite 
fiercely in your delicate little shell of an ear : 
Are you Honest ? Were you made for such 
a life as you are leading now ? Is it not genteel 
to regard the laws of health ? Should a woman 
live altogether on champagne and meringues? 
Is quiet slumber good for a young girl, or is it 
better to go as you go, about daybreak, to a 
nervous, vision-haunted somnolence ? Was that 
lovely body given to you to be ruined by your 
vanity, ignorance, and wanton neglect ? To be 
sure these are rude questions — I beg pardon of 
Miss Prunes and Miss Prism, and the Univeral 
Grundy, for suggesting that you have any physi- 
cal functions at all — but when I look at your 
sallow cheek, and sunken eyes, and note your 
quick breath, and think how Heaven created 
you for health, and beauty and vigorous wo- 
manhood, and how you have squandered these 
treasures, I wax indignant, and exceed the 
bounds which prudery has set up around 
decorum. 

And how is it with your inner life, Miss 
Coupon ? You had a quick wit, fine taste, kind 
heart, when you were fourteen years old. I 
used to admire you then, and dream sometimes 
of what you might become by generous nurture. 
8 



lYO THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Alas ! are you lionest to that nnderstanding and 
heart of yours. Have you fed them with pure 
food, strong meat and drink, or have you starved 
them with skimmed milk ? What vapid trash you 
read, when you read at all ! what pitiable trash 
you are talking to young Twaddler now ! Of 
course we do not expect anything very brilliant 
from you at a Ball, especially at one so select as 
this, but Twaddler will testify that you talked in 
the same style when he called to see you alone 
the other evening. Do you say that Twaddler is 
to blame for this ? You know that that excuse 
is a poor one. You are twenty times wiser than 
he, and might teach him something if you chose. 
I could not wish you to be a book- worm or a 
blue ; but when you read, cannot you commune 
dutifully with poets and sages of all time, whose 
w^ords are quickening ; aud when you talk, stand- 
ing as you do between the irrevocable Past 
and mysterious Future, " with the silence of the 
stars above you and the silence of the grave 
beneath your feet," — can you not now and then 
take heart of grace, and say what is earnest and 
memorable, that the light within you may shine 
forth from the sepulchre in which Frivolity has 
so long immured it, to the joy of your old friends, 
and the great instruction or else utter confusion 
and blinding of young Twaddler? You think I 
am slow, and tell me to go among owls with my 
wisdom. I reply that you are not honest enough 



THE OLD STOET. 171 

to pay to Miss Coupon the respect you owe her. 
You prefer to be one of tlie Board of Directors 
of the Universal Exposition of the Yanity of 
Women in IS'ew York. You may be permitted 
to be President of this great institution, some 
day, and you will realize just as much profit as 
the stockholders of the Crystal Palace did. 

My fair young friends (without whose /smiles 
this world, etc., etc.), are you honest to others ? 
I cross to Brooklyn now and then in a ferry-boat ; 
I sometimes walk our streets after midnight ; I 
register letters in the Post-office occasionally ; I 
have even been so confiding as to sleep over the 
boiler of a Mississippi steamboat — may I trust 
you ? 

When I was younger, by some years, I used to 
go every Sunday evening to see my young friend 
Clara Stock. Miss Clara has fine deep blue eyes, 
a brilliant complexion, and as pretty a figure as 
you could wish to see. I called on Sunday even- 
ing, because I was intimate with old Stock (firm 
of Preferred Stock, Brother & Co.), and we liked 
the Kew England fashion of seeing one's /riends 
after we had been refreshed by a day of rest. 1 
will confess that I was well pleased with the 
manner in which Clara used to receive me when 
I dropped in. Those deep blue eyes would 
sparkle wdth delight when I appeared at the 
door, and as she laid her slender hand in mine, 
her cheeks would glow with the most delighted 



172 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

suffusion in the world. Then, while old Stock 
nodded and grew unobservant over the Ohserver^ 
we would stray off into a corner where there was 
not much light, and talk and talk, till the ridicu- 
lous little clock on the mantel yelped out the 
hour for retiring ; and meantime you would have 
thought I was Clara's soul's idol, if you had 
observed the interest with which she listened to 
my words, and the sympathetic responses she 
made. Like all young fellows, I was vain and 
foolish, and proceeded to build a noble air-palace, 
in which Clara was to be queen, and your hum- 
ble servant prince-consort, and wherein we were 
to live in peace all the rest of our lives. This 
pleasant custom of quiet Sunday evening talks 
was kept up for some months, and you may fancy 
what I was on the point of doing, when happen- 
ing in one Thursday evening, Miss Clara told 
me she had invited a few friends to call sociably, 
— would I wait ? Of course I would. So they 
came, the friends, six couples of them, male and 
female, like so many pairs entering the Ark. 
Imagine my horror, when Miss Clara's fine blue 
eyes sparkled with the same delight at meeting 
these six young men, as when I came myself. 
Her cheeks were actually suffused with six suc- 
cessive blushes of genuine delist, though I had 
previously learned from her own lips that she con- 
sidered four of the six young gentlemen to be fools. 
Then she led the six respectively (one at a time 



WHO TOLD? 173 

of course) to a cosj corner, and talked with each 
as enthusiastically and tenderly as she had ever 
talked to me, now and then assuming such a con- 
fidential look of vexation if a third person came 
within ear-shot. To one of the four fools, partic- 
ularly, she seemed to my jealous eyes to be 
fairly pouring forth her soul. I did not offer 
myself to Miss Clara as you may well suppose, 
but poor Biggs did, and was most contemptuous- 
ly rejected, as everybody knows. And why did 
everybody know this ? Did Biggs advertize his 
defeat in the morning papers, or proclaim it 
from the housetops and in the market-places; 
or did you, Clara, impart to your babbling 
acquaintance, with full particulars and numerous 
well executed illustrations, his great secret con- 
fided to your keeping in such a manly, simple 
way? Are you a female Brigham Young trying 
to win twenty husbands? Can you devise no 
shades of cordiality ? Or rather, does not your 
vanity, and desire for popularity and power, 
tempt you to greet us foolish men with a warmth 
that goes no higher than your bracelets, and 
smiles that are deceitful, and blushes as false as 
your mother's teeth, and eye-kindlings that are 
mere bog-candles. 

The Pasha has already reported my conversa- 
tion with a young lady who laid claims to 
literary culture. Was my experience on that 
occasion melancholy, or not? I think it was 



174: THE TASHA PAPEES. 

very saddening. I^ot that tliere is any harm in 
not having read Rob Boy, or in being ignorant 
of the sex of Di Yernon ; but think of the horri- 
ble dishonesty of trying to obtain a small literary 
reputation under false pretences. My dear 
young lady, whoever you are (I did not catch 
your name when 1 was introduced), consider 
how much better than any literary culture, or 
even high literary fame, is a truthful heart. 
Continue to dress well, for dress is becoming to 
you ; be stupid if stupid you were created ; but 
keep your conscience clear, and try, with such 
optics and might as you have, to discern and do 
the truth. 

My fair reader (and, let me tell you privately, 
I think you are one of the sweetest girls in 
America), when you plighted your troth to 
Frederick, did you really love that nice young 
man, or did you and Mamma consider him a 
pretty fair match, and did Papa indorse him, and 
present him, like a bill at sixty days, for your 
acceptance ? When you met Wilhelmina last 
evening, and kissed her so prettily on each 
cheek, did you do so because you love Wilhelm- 
ina, or simply to impress Frederick with the 
notion that you are very affectionate and for- 
giving in your disposition — Willi elmina having, 
as he well knows, spoken evil of you, and you 
having heard of it ? And as to the amiable 
Frederick himself, I sincerely trust there is 



VEEY IMPERTINENT. 1^5 

no truth in the story that you keep him off and 
on, as a last resort in case you fail in your de- 
signs upon the affluent Croesus. Do you admire 
the sort of club-men who are adepts at poker 
and faro (bets of course limited by the rules to 
five dollars), more than the slow coaches who 
roll on soberly and faithfully in the chosen path 
of duty ? When your Uncle Peter came from 
the country to visit this great brick-veneered- 
with-brown-stone Babel, why did you hide him 
down-stairs when Frederick called ? As if Peter 
were not a leviathan, intellectually and morally, 
as well as physically, when compared with 
Frederick. Perhaps, considerate young woman, 
you did not wish to dwarf Frederick by such 
comparison. Are you really fond of the divine 
harmonies of music, that you gape so persistently 
at the opera on every subscription night, and 
chatter and flirt so regularly at the Philhar- 
monic ? I have heard of your charities, too ; the 
Pasha has written about these — how you caper 
nimbly to the pleasing of IS'oll, and eat largely of 
chicken salad for the benefit of the babies ; but 
have you thought of going yourself to the Tene- 
ment house, among the very poor, where hunger 
stalks about with hollow eyes, and hope is fairly 
frozen ? What is charity but widest love, and 
how can you profess to love these your poor 
neighbors, when you will only polk for their 
benefit, and will not go about among them doing 



1T6 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

good, clieering the struggling souls, nursing the 
sick, making yourself an Angel in the House of 
poverty and mourning ? 

Ah ! Julia, Caroline, Portia, if I had gone to 
Mrs. Ipecacuanha's ball in a suit of ancient 
armor, and helmet with vizor down, she would 
have been astonished and indignant that I should 
thus have disguised myself, her ball not being a 
masquerade ; yet I saw one of you there, as com- 
]3letely unlike your true self as if you had 
assumed the character of the White Lady of 
Avenel. That was not the face that Nature gave 
you ; your smile was as unreal as any ever 
painted on a mask, you were disguised so that 
Mrs. Ipecacuanha knew you only by name. 
And so you go everywhere, the merriest masker 
in all this winter's carnival. Alas, for the bloom 
of innocent health, the hope of innocent eyes, 
the faith of a pure heart ! Merrily squeaks the 
fiddle, gaily goes the flirtation, grandly rolls the 
carriage, cheerily pops the Yin des Dames ; the 
Carnival is short, and then comes the Lenten 
Fast ; youth is short, and then comes old age and 
decay and death — what though the gold be 
pinchbeck, and the diamonds paste, is not the 
pageant gorgeous ? And so you whirl and whirl, 
till you are dizzy, — so dizzy that — you are ready 
to fall ! 

What a noble creature is a truly honest 
woman ; honest to herself and therefore self- 



TKUE NOBELITT. 177 

ennobling, self-developing ; honest to others, and 
therefore unaffected ; loving good and hating in- 
justice; filled with gentleness and long-suffering; 
ever doing her duty cheerfully, whether in the 
rush of gaiety, or the quiet mirth of the social 
circle, or the profounder happiness of home. 
How w^e sinful hard-hearted young fellows 
would bend in reverence before such a one, if she 
stood suddenly revealed to us ; even as good 
Catholics bow when the Host is uplifted amid 
swinging censers and mysterious melody from 
hidden choirs. I will tell you, my dear Transla- 
tor (and perhaps you would do better not to 
print this part of my letter), that I have now 
before me an ambrotype — and in its soft lines, 
the quiet yet searching eyes, the broad smooth 
forehead, the firm yet gentle mouth, I tliink I 
see such a character; and I tell you I would 
rather look at this poor reflection of a woman's 
face, than at the best of Church's southern sun- 
sets, or Kensett's rock-bound brooks. 

And furthermore, it is not unlikely that Tomp- 
kin's Effendi, as the Turk used to call me, will 
shortly grow tired of his frescoed solitude at the 
St. Nicholas, and invite you to stand up with 
him at the happiest wedding you ever saw. 

Faithfully, 

T. 



8* 



THE TWELFTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral Contemplates the Town of Boston — About 
Boston Poetry. 

To the Gifted Abel Ben Hassan, Melody of my Existence, 

I HAVE not visited Boston during mj recent 
sojourn in this land of liberty and light, and am 
therefore entirely qualified to write you an epis- 
tle with that city as my subject. K I had ever 
set foot in Boston, I might labor under those bur- 
dens of prejudice which too often rest on the 
mind of the traveller who visits a strange town, 
and views its customs and institutions with a 
stranger's gaze ; but remaining as I do in ITew 
York, I can survey the Athens of America with 
an impartial eye. 

In this regard I have the same advantages as 
those possessed by my fascinating young friend 
and fellow-lodger at the St. Nicholas, Tompkins 
Effendi, who makes considerable money by 
writing, in his hotel, epistles from foreign parts, 
which are published in the leading journals of 

173 



MODEKN ATHENS. 179 

the day, under siicli titles as "Our London Let- 
ter," " Our Abyssinian Correspondence," " Three 
Days Later from Patagonia," " Interesting 
Intelligence from Kamtscliatka," " Important 
Advices from Lake Ngami." In these lucubra- 
tions of Tompkins, there is nothing of the haste, 
prejudice, ill-feeling and partisanship, which so 
frequently disfigure the letters of correspondents 
who are resident in the localities whence they 
write. He views the manners, events, gossip or 
revolutions of London, Abyssinia, Patagonia, 
Kamtschatka, and Lake JN^gami, with as much 
candor as that exhibited by my Lord Macaulay 
in his historical treatment of the Tories. He is 
calm, conservative, honest, inexorable, and, 
therefore, instructive ; and I am glad to say that 
his eftbrts have added largely to the circulation 
and influence of the leading journals hereinbe- 
fore mentioned. 

Boston, my delicious Abel, is the centre of the 
intellectual universe, around which the lesser 
luminaries of Thought revolve, and shine with 
reflected light. Boston is the brain of the 
Western Hemisphere, so largely and rapidly 
developed that occidental hydrocephalus is to be 
dreaded. The great river of Thought, streaming 
down from Confucius, Moses, Buddha, Socrates, 
Kepler and Bacon, has been dammed up in Bos- 
ton, has spread out into a pool in Boston Com- 
mon, and the Men of Boston paddle in it in the 



180 TIIE PASHA PAPEKS. 

summer, and skate on it during the winter. The 
Men of Boston have renounced the world and 
the flesh. Thej have given u]3 such base pur- 
suits as commerce, manufactures, and money- 
getting of every sort. They never drive shrewd 
bargains or fast horses, but employ all their time 
and energy in the business of self-development, 
like the frog in the fable, with such success, that 
all outside oxen are thrown completely in the 
shade and dwindle into inferiority. The import 
trade of Boston is confined principally to green 
tea ; the exports of Boston consist chiefly of 
lectures, written by the Men of Boston, and 
delivered at different points in the country by 
travelling agents, bred in Boston, intellectual 
bagmen, who make a very handsome thing of it. 
I have heard of one of these distributors of 
knowledge • who realized a fine income by read- 
ing throughout the land an essay on the Physical 
Characteristics of the Tub of Diogenes, a subject 
which of course afforded an opportunity for a 
humorous attack on hoops, and a masterly refu- 
tation of the Platonic theory of Eons. 

The Women of Boston are even more intel- 
lectual than the Men of Boston. They never eat 
(in public) and heartily despise the waste of 
time involved in dressing in good taste. Their 
conversation is profoundly learned, and, to those 
who can understand it, very entertaining. "When 
talking with the Men of Boston, they employ 



CONCERNrN-G POETS. 181 

Latin as a vehicle of narration, Greek to define 
the nicer shades of philosophic analysis, and 
Sanscrit as a channel for the flow of their 
emotions. When conversing with Men not 
of Boston, they make nse of the Boston dia- 
lect of the English language, to convey their 
theories npon such pleasing topics as the 
Digamma of Homer or the authorship of 
Junius. 

But when I remember, light of my optics, 
that you were once Professor of the Theory and 
Practice of Khyming in the University of Bag- 
dad, I imagine that you will be more interested 
in a notice of the poetry of Boston, than of any 
other literary feature of that remarkable town. 
Looking up at this subject from my distant 
stand-point, I venture to divide the poetry of 
Boston into three classes : 

1. Lyrical. 

2. Hexametrically narrative and moral. 

3. Transcendental. 

The lyric poet addresses the young, whose 
hearts are tender, whose heads are by no means 
adamantine, whose tympana are quick to detect 
and appreciate the melody of alliteration and 
rhyme, and who consider love of the opposite 
sex, when served up with a garnish of moon- 
beams, lilies, rivulets and rosebuds, as the nicest 
thing in life. He writes a song, well knowing 
that when the words are wedded to music, the 



182 



THE PAShI papers. 



little defects in the cliaracter of either will be 
swallowed up in the bliss of the nuptials, so that 
the combination will have a honeymoon of popu- 
larity with the young-gentleman-and-lady pub- 
lic. He builds his verses, commencing with the 
cornice thus 



time 

closes. 

chime 



tide? 
quiver, 
glide 
river ! 

raj 

brighten ; 

play 

lighten : 

time 

closes, 

chime 

roses ! 



You can readily perceive how this cornice of 
rhyme can be underpinned with a structure of 
some sort, more or less imposing, and how the 
architect can come to be considered a great 
genius. Indeed, I should say that this style of 
composition is not confined to Boston, for I 
have heard of several bards in 'New York, who 
have achieved a fine reputation in the same 
way. 



YANKEE HOMEE. 183 

Tlie Hexametrically JTarratiye Moral Poet of 
Boston bestrides a Pegasus that always goes at a 
canter, a gait agreeable to invalid horsemen. 
His lines are pleasant, melodious, soothing, 
generally descriptive of common life, full of in- 
genious comparisons, metaphorical conceits and 
Scriptural allusions, which everybody can under- 
stand and admire, even if read 'twixt sleep and 
wake. And to all his verses he appends a fine 
moral sentiment, and when people read this they 
feel " good," simply because they have repeated 
and assented to the moralities of the poet, thus 
deriving as much satisfaction as if they had gone 
out and done a noble deed, without any of the 
trouble that generally attends the doing of noble 
deeds. The following lines from an unpublished 
poem, entitled " Mehitabel of Androscoggin," 
will give you some idea of the Hexametrically 
JS^arrative Moral : 

" Dark is the gully, and jagged the tall palisades that surround it, 
Tall palisades of rock, of preternatural vastness, 
Seeming the picket fence of some huge pre-adamite garden 
Built by some gardener giant to keep out the Icthyosaurus : 
Crowning the crest of each wall hang the healthy ever-green 

cedars. 
Stretching their arms across the gorge, and framing a lattice 
Through which the sun lets down his long slant luminous 

ladders, 
Quite like the one seen of old by the slumbering husband of 

Rachel, 
That is, exceedingly like, if you only happen to think so. 
Brawls through the gully a small but impetuous torrent, 



184 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

Small but pretty and brisk, with a plainly audible murmur — 
Just like a pretty young housewife, a lovely and busy young 

housewife 
SparkHng and laughing and scolding all day in the kitchen and 

parlor : 
Down below is a dam, which, of course, makes a wide spreading 

mill-pond, 
Furnishing power to turn the wooden wheel of a sawmill. 
Lowly and wide, and brown and rough, is the venerable 

sawmill — 
All day long the saw flashes up and down in the sunlight — 
Flashes as bright and sharp as the famous falchion of Judith, 
With which 'tis said, that she cut off the head of the huge 
Holofernes. 

********* 
Josh who tended the mill, (a prying and log-rolling person) — 
Josh sat eating his luncheon, his simple digestible luncheon, 
Pork and molasses, and cheese, and apple-butter and dough- 
nuts. 
Why does the basket fall, his mouth open widely with horror — 
Open portentously wide, with horror instead of with hunger ? 
Sees he a maiden, faithless yet fair, Mehitabel Perkins, 
Sitting against a young man, the stalwart long-haired Jeremiah! 
There they sit by the brook on a large flat stone in the gully. 
She, the maiden fair, is blushing and smiling and crying — 
Jerry the stalwart youth has got his right arm right around 

her. 
Both parties seeming to fancy their novel and pleasant position. 

********* 
Joshua rose in his wrath, emitting a large imprecation ; 
Swearing to go and fracture the skull of his rival, the long- 
haired. 
But thinking twice, sat down, and said to himself in a whisper, 
" Jerry is bigger than I be, and therefore I guess I'll forgive 
him." 



MIST. 185 

Sweet and strong is love, the love of a man for a woman ; 
Thrilling the body and soul, like wine, with a magical fervor ; 
Better and greater and nobler the spirit of self-abnegation, 
Smiting the rocky heart, so that forth flow the streams of for- 
giveness ; 
Streams of mercy unfailing, of noble, heroic forgiveness." 

The transcendental poet of Boston is a mucli 
greater poet than those I have mentioned. He 
lives in Boston, because the muddy vesture of 
decay compels him by sheer force of gravitation 
to abide somewhere on this planet, and he thinks 
Boston the most congenial place to abide in ; but 
if he had his own way he would buy a country 
seat on the tail of Donati's comet. His poetry 
is called transcendental, because it transcends 
the comprehension of everybody except the men 
and women of Boston. To them it is suggestive, 
— to all the rest of the world quite unintelligible. 
It is of course written for posterity, in the expec- 
tation that posterity will be able to see much 
further into a millstone than the present genera- 
tion who live outside of Boston. The following 
specimen verses, will, perhaps, afford you food 
for thought : 

" VISHNTJ. 

" If Galileo thought he saw 

A prancing parsnip bite the sky, 
In sweet defiance of the law, 
It all was clearly ' in his eye.' 



186 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

" If peaches palpitate and sob, 
Beneath the kisses of the sun ; 
If placid tangents strive to rob, 
An urchin of his hot cross-bun ; 

" If Delphic dolphins analyze 
The powers of poetic speech, 
If hydro-chloric acid flies 

Its kites beyond a mortal's reach ; 

" Oh, then, let ices from Bombay 

Dispense abroad their fiery leaven, 
And ripe revolvers, blushing, say. 
We rather fancy Vishnu's heaven!" 

Yerj powerful, my graceful leopard, is tlie 
cliarm of mystery. K those lines could be 
understood, the public would say, " Pshaw ! we 
can write just as good poetry as that if we 
choose to try." But since th«y are incomprehen- 
sible, the public say, " Yishnu is sublime — vague, 
perhaps — but sublime ; we do not understand its 
meaning, but a meaning it must have. It is our 
fault if we do not comprehend the vastness of 
the bard's conceptions. Are they vague ? So 
are the nebulae ; yet, when the nebulae are exam- 
ined by the great eye of a telescope, they are 
resolved into stellar swarms, wonderful in bril- 
liancy, majestic in movement. Great is Yishnu 
— great is the transcendental poet of Boston, 
nebulous, yet great." 

Faithfully thine, 

Mohammed. 



[Fkom a Friend m Boston.] 

Revere House, March 1, 1859. 

My deae Teanslatoe : 

I AM surprised and pained tliat your 
Ottoman friend, wlio seems in some respect an 
acute person, should have been betrayed into the 
publication of ill-natured sarcasm at the expense 
of my native city. 

He has evidently associated with the people 
of IS'ew York until he has absorbed the idea that 
your great, overgrown, vulgar, trading town is 
the only place of any note in the Western 
Hemisphere. 

I am not going to deny the greatness of 
Gotham. It has more trade, more wealth, more 
houses, more dirt, more misery, more political 
corruption, than any other city in the country. 
It is a place of very great importance — ^particu- 
larly, self-importance. 

At the same time, you metropolitan folks 
must not forget that our town is not to be 
despised. The Men of Boston may not make so 

187 



188 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

miicli money as the men of ^ew York ; but how 
is it with their mental coinage, and, more 
momentous still, the impressions of their moral 
mint ? Do the men of 'New York always think 
clearly, and act conscientiously, in the bustle of 
their business ? 

For my own part, I thank Heaven that we, 
here, are not tempted by such gilded baits of 
commerce as are hung out in your big city. We 
might yield. We might be less free, in such 
case. Though if we yielded to the temptation, 
we should forget the example of our Fathers. 

You recollect how in the year of grace, 17Y4, 
the Men of Boston gave up their trade, and let 
their ships rot at the wharves, and spent their 
substance in feeding the poor who could get no 
work to do — and why? Simply because the Men 
of Boston were determined to conserve and enjoy 
the political freedom given them by their God, 
and more fully specified in their charter — and so 
foolish, stubborn England enacted the Port Bill, 
hung an accursed embargo like a great bell-glass 
over the young, hopeful city, and slowly suflfo- 
cated its mercantile life. 

Did you ever happen to read the Correspond- 
ence between a Committee of the Town of Boston 
and certain contributors of Donations for the 
relief of Sufferers by the Boston Port Bill, con- 
tained in one of the volumes published by the 
Massachusetts Historical Society ? I remember 



THE FATHEES. 189 

that in one of the letters, in reply to inquiries 
from Kingston, the Committee, Samnel Adams, 
Chairman, say: 

"The circumstances of this Town are truly 
deplorable ; our harbor filled with armed ships ; 
all foreign trade suspended ; a vast number of 
poor thrown out of employment, who swarm 
daily to the Committee for labor or support ; our 
Town filled with troops; the Neck, the only 
avenue into the Town, fortified by cannon 
planted on the walls ; a regiment and two 
redoubts about forty rods without the fortifica- 
tions ; the soldiery insolent ; all the cannon that 
is private property, that they can come at, seized ; 
the cannon at the North Battery spiked up ; our 
powder taken possession of; and every hostile 
appearance. 

"What the event of these things will be is 
known only to the Supreme Ruler of the Uni- 
verse, in Whom we desire at all times to put our 
trust. In full confidence that our cause is just, 
and that we have an unalienable right to all the 
privileges specified in our charter, we are de- 
termined to make no concessions. 

" We have just to observe that we employ our 
poor in mending the streets, making bricks, 
spinning wool, flax and cotton, and are erecting 
looms to weave the same into baizes and shirt 
cloth, which we hope to sell and so protect our 



190 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

stock. The Committee have an arduous task, 
and they can assure the public that no one per- 
son, but such as are in indigent circumstances, 
ever received a penny benefit from the dona- 
tions ; and it is requested that no ill-natured 
report may be credited until facts can be ascer- 
tained. 

" Please to present to our friends in Kingston, 
that have so liberally contributed to our relief, 
the most sincere and hearty thanks of this Com- 
mittee in behalf of the town. We wish the best 
of Heaven's blessings may attend you, and that 
this kindness may be rewarded into your bosoms 
a thousand fold." 

[N'ow, sir, if that epistle does not breathe a 
noble spirit, then I do not understand the signifi- 
cance of language. And be it generally known, 
by all whom it may concern, that the same 
6j)irit of devotion to the cause of right and jus- 
tice is brooding in the hearts of the Men of Bos- 
ton at the present hour. They will not bate one 
jot or tittle of their free thought and free speech, 
for all the commerce that has fiourished since 
the day on which the Argo cleared for Colchis. 
"Why should they ? In the great balance-sheet 
of life, w^hich we must all make up in some more 
or less intelligible form, of what account will all 
our profits of trade be, if placed parallel with 
a debit of cowardice, subserviency and hypocrisy? 



A TEA PAKTY. 191 

'No, my friend, the Men of Boston will think and 
say and do what seems to them to be right in 
the sight of the Most High, though in conse- 
quence thay should never see another cargo of 
any kind ! Can you say as much for the Men of 
E"ewYork? 

Our " import trade " is " confined principally to 
green tea," — is it ? Well, we do use a good deal of 
tea ; it is a pleasant, wholesome beverage ; and 
it has some interesting historical associations 
connected with it. You may remember liow we 
used the tea that our oppressors tried to pour 
down our throats, and used it up, — and used its 
owners up, too. 

As for the women of Boston, whom the Turk 
maligns — are you not ashamed that you should 
ever have translated his slanders ? — you who have 
known some of these lovely ladies yourself? Come 
now, make a clean breast of it, and say frankly 
that they are too dear to be mentioned lightly."^ 
What is your ideal of a Boston woman ? Is it 
not a grand little lady — ^large dark grey eyes, 
that look right into the depths of your nature 
with a soft yet searching light ; — mobile features 
with more beauty of expression than of form ; — 
a low, sweet voice, clear and distinct in a conflict 
of wit, yet never more thrilling than when its 
utterances nestle down close to your ear in a 
confidential purr ; — a mind with all its acquire- 
* There is no objection to admitting that. — Trans. 



192 THE PASHA FAPERS. 

ments so assimilated that they circulate as real 
life-blood in conversation ; — a quaint, pervading 
humor that would touch the hardest heart; — a 
soul full of healthy sentiment ? 

Pshaw ! — Let this young woman step 

softly yet grandly into one of Mrs. Coupon's 
receptions, and, my word for it, the Translator 
of Mohammed Pasha's Letters would desert the 
Universal Fanny of New York in about two 
minutes, for a tete-d-tete with her under the 
camelias in the conservatory. Say I not sooth ? * 
Ah, my friend, if you were asked to submit 
some of your countrywomen to the critical judg- 
ment of a cosmopolitan Paris, I am sure you 
would select your specimens from the Town of 
Boston, f 

Now w^th respect to our poetry : 

The Pasha is all wrong about the Senti- 
mental Poet. We have no such person here. 
If he is to be found anywhere — a consummation 
devoutly to be dreaded — 'tis in New York you 
must look for him. 

As for our Hexametrical Bard, I will 

admit that, like a good preacher, he sometimes 
gives us a little sermon after having read to us a 
hymn — ^forgetting that a poem, like a flower, or 
a cataract, or a statue, teaches its lesson without 
words of moralizing — and yet will you be kind 

♦ None of your business. — Trans. 

\ Not while the State of Glenwood existed. — ^Trans. 



DOUBTFUL. 193 

enougli to name me a better, purer poet among 
all living men ? 

The Transcendental poet can take care 

of himself, for he is a sage as well as a singer. 
Whatever may be thought of his verse, I fancy 
no thoughtful man will say that his prose is not 
very precious both in form and substance. 

My dear, yet quite misguided Translator, I 
remain ever — 

Yours faithfully, 

K. G. B. 



[From T. Spoon, again.] 

YoNKERS, April 1, 1859. 
Translator of Jfohammed Pasha^s Letters : 

Sir: Concerning Poetry in general, 
without regard to that of Boston in particular, I 
think the method of manufacturing the article 
is not so well understood as it should be. 

Poetry, sir, is a thing of measure and of 
melody. Let any one arrange a certain number 
of metrical feet in a certain sounding way, and 
he has the body of a poem. And having built 
this body, who, in Apollo's name, has not feeling 
enough to breathe therein a soul of some sort ? 

I apprehend the recipe for the manufacture of 
verse is a simple one — involving not half the 
details contained in the directions for making a 
cup-custard. I have prepared the following, 
which I desire to submit to your consideration. 

1. Select your metre. This may be almost 
anything you choose, except hexameter. You 



MENSUEATION". 196 

would do well to let Messrs. Longfellow and 
Kingsley monopolize that sliufiiing canter. 

2. Determine whether you will write rhymes 
or blank verse. Choose rhyme if possible ; for it 
takes a very great poet to make blank verse 
readable — just as it takes a very great man to 
say very ordinary things in conversation and 
make them appear original and entertaining. 

3. You may now choose your subject. This 
may be serious or comic. Serious verse will 
endear you with young ladies ; comic verse will 
cause you to be considered a genius by young 
men, and possibly get you an engagement to 
write exclusively for the Weekly Humbug. 

4. If you essay tlie serious, by all means be 
romantic. We all have in some corner of our 
hearts, be they juicy or withered, a bit of senti- 
ment — just as we have a bit of superstition. We 
have all laughed at ghost stories by day — at the 
same time dreading to pass through a grave- 
yard by night ; and so, though we may sneer at 
young romance, in the garish glare of business 
or pleasure, we may be affected even to foolish- 
ness by the radiance of a harvest moon. There- 
fore do not be afraid to write on tender themes, 
You will always find a large audience. 

But give me some specimens — ^you say. Cer- 
tainly, sir. 

For metre we will select the heroic, having 
just as many syllables in each line as vou have 



196 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

fingers and thumbs — a great convenience in 
counting. 

We will let the lines rhjme in triplets, a style 
pleasing to an ear that has become weary with 
couplets. 

Our subject — Let us see. liub up your 
natural philosophy — do you know how a rain- 
bow is produced ? Well, apply this to the most 
interesting of situations and you have the 
poem * — thus : 

Iris, 

They sit beneath the branches, side by side — 

While the slant moonbeams through the foliage slide, 

Cleaving the deepening dusk of even-tide. 

A lovelier Hght leaps in her tender eyes — 
Kindled by maiden shame and sweet surprise ; 
She hears him speak — but not a word replies. 

'Tis the old story — mighty manly love 
Swaying a soul that nothing else could move, 
Flooding a heart with power from above. 

And by and by their hands and lips have met, 
And glad pulsations thrill their senses — yet 
Her fringed eyelids with great tears are wet ! 

Ah — sun of hope and brimming cloud of fear — 
A ray of joy shoots through a crystal tear. 
And lo ! — the rainbow hues of hope appear. 

* Poem ? Shade of Shakspeare ! — Trans. 



A HOESE LAUGH. 197 

Or suppose we choose another theme. I 
remember a certain grej horse mj father once 
owned, named Charley, who attained a great old 
age, without losing the spirits of his youth. In 
this respect he was very like the distinguished 
philosopher Plato; but happening one day to 
break one of his legs in a playful gambol, he 
could not commit suicide in disgust, as the philo- 
sopher did — and so one of the laborers shot him. 
We will proceed to write an 

EPITAPH. 

Here lies a faithful steed, 
A staunch, uncompromising Silver Grey — 
Who ran his race of life with sprightly speed, 

Yet never ran — away. 

Wild oats he never sowed, 
Yet masticated tame ones with much zest ; 
Cheerful he bore each light allotted load, 

As cheerfully took rest. 

Bright were his eyes, yet soft — 
And, in the main, his tail was white and flowing ; 
And, though he never sketched a single draught, 

He showed great taste for drawing. 

Lithe were his limbs and clean. 
Fitted alike for buggy and for dray ; 
And like Napoleon the Great— I ween — 

He had a martial neigh. 

Oft have I watched him grace 
His favorite stall, well littered, warm and fair ; 
With such contentment shining from his face, 

And such a stable air ; — 



198 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

With here and there a speck 
Of roan diversifying his broad back, 
And, martyr-like, a halter round his neck, 

Which bound him to the rack. 

Mors omnibus — at length, 
The heyday of his life was damped by death ; 
So, summoning all his late remaining strength, 

He drew — his final breath. 

Or suppose we venture on something that 
appeals to the higher feelings of our humanity 
— a story, if you please, that shall contain a 
grain of advice. To wit : 

A LITTLE RIME FOR CHRISTMAS TIME. 

Long time ago, in Northern France — 

So monkish legends say — 
Upon a certain morning, just 

Before the Christmas Day, 

To a monk of good Saint Francis came. 

Upon this winter's morn, 
A widow, weeping, desolate — 

A mother, wild and lorn. 

The day before, a cruel band 

Of robbers stole her boy — 
(For those were lawless times) — they stole 

Her pride, her hope, her joy. 

These cruel robbers surely sware 

They would her darling slay. 
Except the wretched motl gr would 

A fitting ransom pay. 



CHAEITT. 199 



And being very poor and weak, 
To the good monk she came, 

To beg that he would pay the price 
In his Great Master's name. 

" Good Father, I beseech thee, by 
The hope thou hast of good, 
I' the precious name of Him who died 
Upon the Holy Rood — 

" Of Him who drained the cup of woe, 
That we might taste of joy. 
Good Father, I beseech thee, save 
My hapless captive boy." 

" Poor woman," sadly said the monk, 
*' Thy sorrows I deplore, 
And it grieves my heart to bid thee go 
Unaided from our door. 

"But like the Great Apostles twain, 
Saint Peter and Saint John, 
Before the Gate called Beautiful, 
Gold and silver have we none. 

" The Monks of good St. Francis learn 
With meekness to endure. 
The sorrows that their Saviour knew, 
The sorrows of the poor. 

" Thou see'st our chapel low and mean, 
And dark as funeral pall. 
Thou see'st the wooden crucifix 
Upon the naked wall. 

" No tessellated pavement rings 
Beneath our humble tread ; 
No springing arch nor frescoed roof 
Hangs grandly overhead. 



200 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

"No painted window tells the tale 
Of saint and martyr dead; 
No gifts are laid before our door — 
We beg our daily bread." 

" Good Father, there are candlesticks 
Of silver on the shrine : 
Oh, give these — I may ransom, then, 
That captive child of mine." 

The gentle monk was sore perplexed, 
And well his heart might falter. 

To think of selling to the world 
The gifts from off the altar. 

The good monk bowed his head in prayer, 

To ask if this might be — 
And then into the mother's hand 

The precious gifts gave he. 

The boy was bought, the mother's cheer 
No words of mine may tell ; 

And lo — upon the Christmas eve, 
A blessed miracle ! 

The Brothers of St. Francis met 

To celebrate the night 
When shepherds heard the song of peace, 

Beneath the new star's light. 

And when they oped the chapel door, 
And thought to find but gloom. 

Behold a wondrous glory filled 
That low and narrow room. 

A lambent light, as pure and white 

As erst at Pentecost 
Descended on the chosen Twelve, 

Crowned with the Holy Ghost ! 



THE EEWAED. 201 

Two GOLDEN candlesticks they saw, 

Fair as the floor of heaven, 
Upon the simple altar, each 

With burning tapers seven. 

And softly, as from upper air, 

A mystic voice was heard, 
Saying, '* Whoso giveth to the poor, — 

He lendeth to the Lord." 

But I will not multiply examples. If you 
desire any more specimens, please address me as 
above, inclosing four stamps. 

"With respect. 

Yours, etc., 

T. Spooi^. 



9* 



THE THIETEEJ^TH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral embraces the Doctrine of Manifest Destiny — 
He illustrates the Subject. 

To the PMlosopliic Abel Ben Hassan. 

The longer I reside in tlie United States of 
America, the more profoundly I am impressed 
with the moral rectitude of their people. The 
sense of right surrounds them Jike an atmosphere. 
They inhale equity with every breath they draw. 
They perspire conscientiousness at every pore. 
Duty governs all their public conduct. When- 
ever a plan of national policy is presented for 
their consideration, they do not ask — It is expe- 
dient ? — Can we grow rich by saying Yes? — Will 
we be impoverished by saying No ? They simply 
consider this question — Is it Right ? 

In their action upon the subject of territorial 
extension this singular fidelity to the laws of 
rectitude is most apparent. Does the graceful 
and accomplished Mephistopheles take the Peo- 
ple of the United States up to the top of an 
exceedingly high mountain and show them the 



THE LANDSCAPE. 203 

kingdoms that lie adjacent to tlieir own, and 
advise tliem to acquire those kingdoms? The 
people of the United States re^ly ; " We 
cannot consent to do this unless it is right. 
We are not a pack of thieves, we are virtuous, 
enlightened, educated ; w^e are disciples of the 
Prince of Peace ; we love our neighbors, and 
keep the tenth commandment. K it is morally 
right for us to acquire the kingdoms you refer 
to, we will acquire them, otherwise not ; though, 
pending the discussion of this interesting tope, 
you need not get exactly behind us, gentle 
Mephistopheles, but stand where you are." 

So, while the deferential Mephistopheles 
stands quietly by, now and then bewailing the 
religious destitution of the kingdoms he has 
pointed out, the people of the United States dis- 
cuss the matter of their acquisition, and at last 
decide that it is right to lay hold of all the con- 
tiguous territory belonging to their neighbors. 
The train of logic by wdiich they reach this result 
is complex yet coherent. Allow me to unfold it 
to you, my gentle Abel, and I doubt not that 
you will be convinced as I have been. 

The moral code of a state is determined by its 
geography.* Until you have mapped out its 
coasts, its rivers and its inland seas, calculated 
its latitude and longitude, kept a record of its 

* Vide Miijority Report Glenwood Legislature, Sol. Gen., 
p. 213. 



204 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

tliermometers, and com23reliended its material 
interests, you cannot determine tlie notions of 
right and wrong that should govern its people, 
and what sort of moralities they should exem- 
plify. If its position is insular, or if it has an 
extended sea coast, its obvious duty is to be a 
warlike state ; while if it lies remote from tide 
waters, it should addict itself to the peaceful 
pursuits of breeding calves and lambkins, piping 
on oaten reeds, eating curds and whey, and fos- 
tering all sorts of rural innocence and pastoral 
j)eace. I know that Cicero has written some 
fine periods to the effect that what is legal sauce 
for the geese of Athens applies equally to the 
ganders of Rome, but Cicero was a heathen 
philosopher, and never knew anything about 
democracy and the Gospel. There are different 
moralities for different climes. The Great Mogul 
may have a hundred wives ; the Emperor of 
France may legally have but one. It is proper 
for a widow in India to burn for a dead hus- 
band ; it is proper for a widow in England to 
renounce the memory of the late lamented, and 
burn for a living man ; what may be cruelty and 
oppression in Vermont, may be brotherly kind- 
ness in Yirginia. Let us cite an example. 

New York, my son of Hassan, is a seaport. It 
cannot and should not have the same ideas of 
national morality as those that prevailed in 
Arcadia. The manifest destiny of New York is 



NEW EVANGEL. 205 

to grow ricli by commerce. Whatever retards 
this manifest destiny is wrong ; whatever promotes 
it is riffht. 

o 

Squam Beach is a dependency of that decayed 
yet despotic foreign power, New Jersey. I have 
carefully studied the geography, history and 
political economy of Squam, and have arrived at 
the conclusion that New York should take 
immediate steps to acquire Squam. It is neces- 
sary that she should acquire Squam. It is right 
that she should acquire Squam. 

1. New York is a body politic, and, as such, 
has no soul. She must, therefore, like other 
beings without souls (hyenas, monkeys and the 
like), be guided entirely by instinct. Beings 
without souls cannot go wrong if they follow the 
lead of their instincts. New York instinctively 
covets Squam. 

2. In its present condition, Squam is a reproach 
to the progressive spirit of the age. It has capa- 
bilities of climate, scenery and soil, that fit it for a 
brilliant career, but in its relation of dependence 
to the effete power which controls it, it is like 
the tail of a senescent tadpole — it must come off. 
The people of New York understand the designs 
of Providence pretty thoroughly, and, according 
to their interpretation of those designs, Squam 
must eventually be separated from New Jersey. 

3. If Squam be separated from New Jersey, 
it will be an independent but by no means 



206 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

powerful body politic. It will be an object of 
the jealousy of the greater nations. The greater 
nations will covet Squam. Suppose the Emperor 
of China, with whom 'New York may yet have 
relations of a hostile character, should take pos- 
session of Squam, anchor his junks in the beauti- 
ful harbor of Squam, where they might lie in 
wait to plunder the shipping of Gotham. What 
then would become of the trade in ginseng and 
chessmen ? "Who could number the ruined deal- 
ers in bamboo and fire-crackers ? What would 
become of Mrs. Grundy — there being no more tea? 
4. There is one highly lucrative branch of 
industry which flourishes largely at Squam. I 
refer to the robbing of wrecks. This important 
business employs its inhabitants during the 
greater part of the year, except perhaps in the 
month of August, when they are engaged in 
harvesting beach plums. The most valuable 
cargoes that come to the shores of Squam are 
brought there by the force of circumstances, in 
obedience to that profound aphorism which de- 
clares it is an ill wind which blows nobody any 
good. They are stranded in obedience to the 
great principle of Manifest Destiny. Though 
some persons afl'ect a horror for the wrecking 
business of Squam, I can see nothing in it but an 
illustration of that beautiful principle of compen- 
sations, by which the losses of the less fortunate 
classes are a source of gain to the more lucky — 



J 



CERTAINLY. 207 

the same principle by wliicli the internecine bar- 
barities of Africa, when combined with the 
shrewdness of the civilized world, are made the 
means of cultivating the soil, enriching the agri- 
culturist, cotton broker and spinner, and at the 
same time educating and ennobling the African 
masses, and effecting the additional result of 
carrying out the great designs of Providence 
before referred to. 

Now it is greatly to be regretted that this 
lucrative and desirable branch of industry should 
have attracted to the shores of Squam, from 
other parts of ISTew Jersey, a vulgar, illiterate 
and reckless set of desperadoes, who have mon- 
opolized what, by the clearest principles of 
geographical right, belongs to the more numer- 
ous and powerful citizens of New York. "What 
enlightened New Yorker will not cry Shame ! 
when he hears of the brutal license and violence 
of the pirates of Barnegat and Squam, and will 
not glow with a patriotic desire to snatch from 
their polluted hands those treasures which the 
bountiful sea pours with e*^ery easterly storm 
into the ungrateful bosom of Squam ? 

For once the paths of duty and expediency are 
coincident. The united voices of conscience and 
self-love cry out to New York : " Acquire 
Squam ! Acquire her territory, and the means 
of wealth, and fill her with industrious, enter- 
prising and virtuous Anglo-Saxons from Mac- 



20S THE PASHA PAPERS. 

kerelville and the Sixth "Ward !" Is it suggested 
that the sovereign state of E'ew Jersey is as 
haughty as she is old and decrepit — that she is 
proud of Squam — that her sons will shed their 
blood until the mud of her highways shall be 
redder than ever, before she will give up Squam 
— that she refuses to consider the question of 
a purchase by 'New York, and defies any threats 
of violence, and that all the rest of the world, 
except New York, thinks she is quite right? 
What then? — What does New York care for the 
opinion of the rest of the world ? New York 
must acquire Squam, and steps for that j)urpose 
must be taken immediately. The voice of Mani- 
fest Destiny, clear as clarion, calls to prompt and 
efficient action. Let a resolution to the follow- 
ing efi'ect be passed by a virtuous Common 
Council : 



Whereas, Squam geographically possesses a commanding 
influence over the large and constantly increasing trade, 
foreign and coastwise, of the city of Xew York and the entire 
Hudson valley ; 

Whereas, That province, by its present dependent condition, 
must continue a source of injury and annoyance, endangering 
the friendly relations between New Jersey and New York, 
by the aggressions of the local authorities upon the com- 
merce and citizens of Manhattan Island, for which tardy re- 
dress can only be had by circuitous demands on New Jersey ; 
and 

Whereas, In the opinion of the Common Council, and in 
accordance with the views of the Mayor, as the last means of 



JUDICIOUS EXPENDITUEE. 209 

settling the existing and removing future difficulties, it is 
expedient that negotiations for the purchase of Squam should 
be renewed; 

Therefore, resolved, That thirty millions of dollars be placed 
in the Mayor's hands for expenditure, either from the supera- 
bundant cash in the treasury, or to be borrowed on five per 
cent, bonds of one thousand dollars each, payable in ten or 
twenty years. 



Of course I am not so verdant as to suppose 
that E'ew Jersey will part with the territory in 
question for the paltry sum of $30,000,000 ; but 
I know that such a sum of money may be judi- 
ciously expended at Trenton, when the legislature 
of New Jersey is in session. Wliat oceans of 
oysters, what seas of champagne, might be made 
thereby to flow down, the throats of the hungry 
members! How many hotel and livery stable 
bills and debts of honor might be paid for jolly 
legislators! How many sets of jewelry might 
be presented to their wives and daughters ; how 
many lobby members might be kept at fine 
salaries ; how many pockets political, both in 
Gotham and Jersey, might be replenished ; and 
how easily might a treaty for the sale of Squam 
be floated through on the great tide of bribery, 
drunkenness, and greed ! 

But if this expenditure should prove fruitless, 
then E'ew York must declare war against 'New 
Jersey. A casus belli already exists. 

A citizen of New York, by name Nobby Bill, 



210 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

alias Clieeks, having insulted a woman at the 
Elysian fields one Sunday last summer, was 
attacked by the brother and lover of the young 
woman, and severely castigated. Another citi- 
zen of ]^ew York, Augustus Fitz Coupon, hap- 
pening to get drunk and noisy, in a quite aristo- 
cratic way, at Long Branch, in the year 1852, 
was turned out of the hotel by its barbarous 
proprietor, and compelled by the force of a 
brutal public o]3inion to leave the country 
and return to his home in Madison Square. 
Shall the majesty of New York be thus defied? 
No! 

Let an indemnity of extravagant amount be 
demanded, and on its refusal, let war be declared. 
Let the mysterious floating battery at Hoboken 
be seized, and its countless guns be turned on 
that defenceless town. Let the oyster boats of 
Shrewsbury be captured, and the trade in soft 
shell crabs be annoyed ; let the hat factories of 
Newark be burned down ; and last, but not least, 
let the track of the Camden and Amboy Eailroad 
be torn up, to the impoverishing of the New 
Jersey treasury and the abolition of the occupa- 
tion of New Jersey surgeons ; then the people 
of New York will conquer a peace, and peace- 
fully acquire Squam. 

My lovely friend, if you have followed the line 
of my argument thus far, you will be prepared 
to pass from the special to the general, and apply 



NEMESIS. 211 

my reasoning to the policy of the United States 
towards those possessions of European powers 
which happen to lie adjacent to this great and 
enlightened republic, and you will at once 
embrace the doctrine of Manifest Destiny, as I 
have done. Your instincts, warped by some of 
the bigoted moral teachings of your childhood, 
may revolt from such a conclusion, as I will con- 
fess mine did at first, but the logic by which it is 
reached is as irresistible as that employed by the 
able Lucifer in his coversations with Eve. It is 
mighty and will prevail. 

And yet, my precious nightingale, I remember 
a proverb spoken by the Prophet, which has in 
its seven words a world of terrible significance : 
Tlie avenging deities are shod vnth loool. Suppose 
the people of the United States should happen 
to be wrong in these notions of right ; suppose 
the ingenious logic they apply to the question of 
territorial aggrandizement should prove to be 
nothins: but a cloak of fallacious shreds and 
patches, basted together by politicians to cover 
the otherwise naked lust of party power ; and sup- 
pose that, while they are swaggering and con- 
quering, and plundering, and waxing rich and 
arrogant, the avenging fates, swift following in 
fleecy sandals with noiseless step, should sud- 
denly lay their hands on the shoulders of the 
People of the United States, and arrest them in 
Allah's name ! Would the People of the 



212 THE PASHA PAPEK8. 

United States, in such an event, be entirely 
satisfied with knowing that the Rear Admiral 
of the Turkish J^avy admitted their right to 
steal ? 

Thine, in resignation to the power of destiny. 

Mohammed. 



[Note. — How strange the prophetic power of a great mind! 
The Rear Admiral, in the preamble and resolution prepared by 
him, seems actually to have anticipated, by nearly a twelve- 
month, the recent proposition of our eminent patriot, Mr. 
SlidelL] 



[Feom J. YoLEUE, Esq.] 

" The Tombs," Centre street, 
March 15, 1859. 

Translator of Mohammed Pasha^s Letters. 

SiE : I HAVE been committed to this 
decidedly damp and disagreeable edifice to 
await my trial for burglary, under the statute in 
such case made and provided — a statute which 
was enacted, I believe, in an age of superstition, 
and in obedience to an unenlightened, nay, 
depraved, public sentiment. I will admit that I 
committed the burglary. I intend to plead 
guilty when my indictment shall be read, and I 
shall probably be sent to pass some time at the 
pleasant village of Sing Sing ; but I shall ever 
protest against those absurd laws which have 
declared that larceny, burglary, and highway 
robbery are felonious. 

I have received some education, inherited 
some property, and have taken to my present 
course of life only from the deepest convictions 
of its propriety and honorableness. I have some 
hopes that I shall yet succeed in convincing the 

213 



214: " THE PASHA PAPERS. 

world that my so-called crimes are not only 
perfectly imiocent, but highly laudable ; and I 
may say that these hopes were last night consi- 
derably increased. As Galileo said of the planet 
on which we live, so I say of my doctrine — it 
moves still. 

By the permission of my turnkey, whom I 
paid in a liberal and gentlemanly style, I 
attended last evening the great meeting held at 
Tammany Hall, to consider the question of the 
" Acquisition " of Cuba. After the Star-Span- 
gled Banner had been performed by a band in 
the Park, a cannon fired, and a tar-barrel 
burned, the vast assembly that had collected, to 
the number of nearly six hundred, charged in 
Light Brigade style up the staii'S that lead to the 
famous Hall, and after a little row, inseparable 
from a public gathering in a free country, dis- 
posed themselves to listen to the eloquence that 
had been promised by the advertisements. It 
is, perhaps, superfluous for me to say that I 
recognized among the intelligent audience many 
friends who, from principle or necessity, have 
adopted the same profession as myself, and that 
their sympathetic greetings nerved me for further 
effort and endurance. 

I was happy to see that when the meeting was 
called to order, an Ex-Mayor of ]^ew York was 
selected to preside. It was a cheering evidence 
of the progress of ideas, to find a man who was 



THE GREAT MAN. 215 

once intrusted with the execution of the absurd 
laws which guard the ridiculous rights of pro- 
perty in our city, thus pnblicly renouncing his 
former adherence to those laws. I was almost 
overjoyed w^hen I saw the massive form of our 
Postmaster rise, as he offered the preamble and 
resolutions for the consideration of the meetinir ; 
resolutions which, while conceding something to 
the prejudices of those who consider larceny a 
crime, yet in reality asserted that it was, in the 
case of Cuba, a virtue. I doubt not that before I 
have served out my term at Sing Sing, the 
Democratic masses of New York will be ready 
to justify me, if I should break at night into the 
Post Office, and carry off every dollar in the 
establishment. 

Nor was I less pleased when that classic orator. 
Senator Brown of Mississippi — glorious Missis- 
sippi — land of enlightened repudiation, liberal 
Disunionism, and progressive bowie knives — rose 
to address the enthusiastic audience. I will not 
trust my, perhaps, too partial memory to repeat 
his sentiments, but will copy them from the 
report of the newspapers. Thus : 

" Cuba must and shall be ours. The decree 
has gone forth, and there exists nowhere on 
earth power to revoke it. The only remaining 
puestion for us to consider is this : By what 
means shall we make the acquisition? Three 



216 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

modes have been proposed : first, by purchase, 
that I regard as the most honorable ;* second, 
by conquest, and that I regard as the most cer- 
tain (applause) ; third, by the agency of the 
mysterious operation of that power known in 
political nomenclature by the name of Filibus- 
terism, and that I regard as most probable f 
(laughter) ; but whether by one or the other, or 
by all of these agencies combined, I say, again, 
that Cuba must and shall be ours, and the power 
does not exist on earth to prevent it.J If Spain 
is disposed to sell the island, I, for one, stand 
prepared to pay for it ; § and if she be not dis- 
posed to sell, then my next proposition is to 
propose an investigation for the settlement of 
present and past difficulties. For the purpose 
of having indemnity for the past, and security 
for the future, I would seize Cuba (applause), 
seize it as an indemnity for the past, and then 
negotiate for future security. If we can't nerve 
the government up to that point, if the prover- 
bial timidity of old age which presses heavily on 
Mr. Buchanan and General Cass, || can't be 



* Merely a prudent, temporary concession to foolish preju- 
dices. — J. V. 

f Delicious Brown ! — J. Y. 

:}: And you and I, sweet Brown, do not care for any Power 
except those on' earth ! — J. V. 

§ Generous Brown. J. Y. 

I Amen to that. — Translator. 



L. 



A NEW CUBA. 217 

brought to that point— if thej will not direct the 
extending spirit of American freedom, / would 
repeal the laws,^ and crj Speed to the Filibus- 
ters, and. Let slip the dogs of war!" 

And I cannot express mj rapture when I saw 
a man who muttered some dissent to these 
propositions of the eloquent Brown, soundlj 
beaten over the head and kicked down-stairs. 
This is a great and free country— and shall 
Brown be restrained in his liberty of speech ? 
We rather think not. 

I pass hastily over the letters read, from the 
Hon. Daniel S. Dickinson, the Hon. John A. 
Dix (once a deluded negrophilist) and the Hon. 
Amasa J. Parker — and the delightful oration of 
the Hon. Isaiah Kynders, to communicate at 
once the plan I have formed to be executed as 
soon as my term of office — I mean imprisonment 
— excuse the natural mistake — expires. I know 
a private Cuba and a private Spain, in this city. 
Mrs. Bullion, widow of the late lamented Presi- 
dent of the Pork Packer's Bank, is that Spain. 
Her family silver is that Cuba. I shall go to 
Mrs. B. with the noble sentiments of Senator 
Brown upon my lips. I shall go about 1.60 
A.M., with a neat revolver in one hand and a 
dark lantern in the other. I shall stand by the 
bedside of Mrs. Bullion and with the muzzle of 



* That's the point, blessed Browu — curse all laws, say I. — J. V. 
10 



218 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

my revolver cooling the tip of lier venerable 
nose, I shall make a brief speech, which will 
probably be listened to with rapt attention, 
though perhaps not interrupted by frequent 
applause. 

" Mrs. Bullion, your silver must and shall be 
mine. The decree has gone forth and no Power 
that I see at present can revoke it, your private 
watchman being asleep in a neighboring oyster 
cellar. The only question for ns to consider is 
this — by what means shall I make the acquisi- 
tion. Three modes have been proposed (by 
me), first, by purchase, which I consider the 
most honorable (ironical cheers from myself in a 
low tone) ; second, by conquest, and that I re- 
gard as the most certain (stifled groans from Mrs. 
B.) ; third, by the agency of that power known 
in my profession as murder, and that 1 regard as 
most probable, unless you keep more quiet than 
you have so far, (attempt on the part of Mrs. B. 
to yell ; promptly checked by a check pocket 
handkerchief). If you are disposed to sell your 
family silver, I am ready, for one, to pay for it, 
I will give you fifty dollars for the lot and my 
dark lantern to boot. You will not accept these 
terms ? You think the silver worth more than 
that? You treasure it as a family heirloom, do 
you ? Then my next proposition is, to suggest 
an investigation for the settlement of past and 
present difficulties. Those past and present diffi- 



LOGIC. 219 

culties consist mainly of the fact that you have 
the silver and I wish to have it. For the pur- 
pose of procuring indemnity for the past and 
security for the future, I will now seize your sil- 
ver, seize it as an indemnity for the past, and 
then negotiate for future security. By future 
security I mean your diamonds, watch, and porte- 
monnaie. K the proverbial timidity of old age, 
which presses heavily upon you, can't be 
brought up to the point of quietly surrendering 
these trifles, I shall repeal the statute in regard 
to felonious homicide, to meet the exigencies 
of this particular occasion, and let slip the dogs 
of war — or, in more direct terms, pull the trig- 
ger of this revolver." 

It is more than probable that Mrs. Bullion 
would yield to my persuasive eloquence, and 
allow me to acquire " the swag." The negotia- 
tions would not be prolonged, and the whole 
affair would be emphatically done Brown. 

Yours expectantly, 

Jack Yoleub. 



[Fkom Many Readers.] 

Staten Island, February^ 20, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir : We cannot entirely agree with the 
logic of the Turk in his letter in regard to the 
Acquisition of Squam ; but we do think that, if 
there be such a thing as justifiable stealing, it is to 
be found in the case of Sandy Hook. We want 
it for a Quarantine. 'New Jersey does not want 
it, and cannot use it, for anything at all. We 
offer to take Sandy Hook and employ it for a 
purpose no less beneficial to New Jersey than 
to New York. We propose to prevent pestilence 
from coming to Jersey City as well as to the 
Metropolis ; — but the State of Red Mud, like a 
dog in the manger, shows her teeth, and stands on 
her unalienable right to be contemptibly mean. 

We are indignant, — 

Many Readers. 



PReplt to Foregoing.] 

Many Readers^ Staten Island. 

Dear Many : I have no time to consider 
the subject of your note in regard to Sandy 
Hook as its importance deserves ; but must 
content myself with expressing my admiration 
of the noble, chivalric, splendid, magnificent, and 
truly remarkable conduct of the People of Staten 
Island, in destroying the Quarantine Buildings 
last summer. Your letter suggests this topic. 

I find in all history no such example of 
courage and devotion. The object of this tre- 
mendous arson, as I understand it, was to 
increase the value of real estate on the Island. 
There could certainly be no higher object for 
any deed of daring. 

What courage can compare with that of the 
men who defied the majesty of law, the dictates 
of decency and the opinion of all Christian civili- 
zation, in the nineteenth century, under the 
solemn starlight of a summer night — in order to 
enhance the desirableness of their building sites ? 

221 



222 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

"Wliat devotion can equal that of the incendiaries 
who dragged a sick woman from her chamber at 
niarht, in order to fire her husband's house? 
What deeds of ancient knighthood will not 
shrink into littleness, when placed side by side 
with the magnanimity of the People of Rich- 
mond County, in carrying out the fever patients 
and laying them down in the dewy grass, before 
they burned the hospitals ? 

Proper ? Justifiable ? By all means. Is not 
arson preferable to a depreciation in the value 
of villas ? What right has a woman to be sick ? 
What right has her husband to be Health Officer 
of the Port ? Who has ever conceded to fever- 
stricken patients the privilege of lying in bed 
under a roof? WTio so worthy of our respect as 
the rioters of Staten Island ? 

With sentiments of profound regard, I remain, 
dear Many, 

Your Obedient Servant, 

The Translatoe. 



[Feom the Solicitor General of Glenwood.] 

Glenwood, March, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir: I rejoice in agreeing with the 
Pasha in his observations upon the subject of 
territorial acquisition. I feel proud and patriotic 
as I coincide with his sentiments. 

America is . the exponent of the doctrine of 
Manifest Destiny. The world had from time to 
time yielded an unintelligent and almost uncon- 
scious testimony to the universality of this doc- 
trine ; but it was not until Aaron Burr stamped 
upon it the impress of his genius that it became 
the current coin of our country. That great 
political martyr sealed his philosophy with the 
blood which his persecutors would have shed, 
could they have convicted him of high treason. 

The rope that was to have hung Aaron Burr 
tolled the funeral bell of European and Anti- 
Bepublican dominion over the soil of America. 

The Pasha has rightly hinted at the idea that 



224 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

a desire for territorial increase is tlie prevailing 
inclination, and consequently the proper instinct, 
of our country. Even our enemies, in blindly 
charging this fact upon us, establish incontro- 
vertibly that our instincts, and therefore, mind 
you, our duty and destiny, are in that direction. 
This instinct is in the mingled Saxon, Roman 
and [N'orman blood that sluices our veins. It 
brought the Puritans to America ; planted the 
colonies ; drove back the Indians ; dismembered 
France and Spain to enlarge our borders ; 
marched to the Halls of the Montezumas ; 
advanced with stately stoppings along the peaks 
of the Rocky Mountains as far northward to- 
wards the parallel of 54° 40' as circumstances 
would permit. 

Shall we deprive the bald-headed emblem of 
our country of her instincts, and reduce her to 
an ignominious and foolish fowl? I humbly 
think not. 

It is said by gentlemen wdio would be willing 
to sell their country to a tin-peddler, that a for- 
eign country — Spain for example — has her 
instinct of self-preservation, as necessary and 
compelling as our instinct of acquisition. Let 
that be conceded, for the sake of the argument 
merely, and our position is still untouched. 
Grant that she ought to secure the end to which 
her instinct is addressed, still let her secure it 
without limiting the healthy action of our in- 



A EIGHT TO EUN. 225 

stincts. If she feels called upon to exercise this 
instinct of self-preservation she is at liberty to do 
so — by running away and leaving Cuba to us. 

The royal families, against whom nations have 
risen, have had the same instinct of self-preserva- 
tion — and correlative right to run away. No 
revolutionist has ever refused to recognize this 
principle. James Second and Louis Philippe 
asserted its omnipotence, and their pretensions 
were recognized. They ran away. Charles 
First and Louis Sixteenth lost their heads for 
doubting it. 

K kings have lost their crowns, including the 
heads that were under them, by the clashing of 
the irreconcilable instincts, ought Spain to 
complain if she is called upon to make no 
greater sacrifice than that of relinquishing Cuba 
at the behest of such an imposing contingency ? 

But, clear as is our right to the possession of 
Cuba upon the principles stated by the Pasha, I 
do not think we need to employ so strong an argu- 
ment against so weak a state as Spain ; for we 
are not a philosophical assembly like that of 
M. Robespierre, composed of men who do not 
hesitate to carry ideas to their necessary conse- 
quences — even to the extent of cutting off the 
heads that are to be convinced by them ; — we 
are a nation not yet absolutely delivered from the 
bondage of certain moral prejudices, the disgust- 
ing remains of the idea that the responsibilities 

10* 



226 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

of individuals are transferred to the states of 
wliicli they are component members. 

However, our nation is gradually ascending to 
the philosophic height from which the emanci- 
pated few survey this vast subject; though it 
has yet to take many steps before the summit 
will be reached. 

Half way up the hill, James Monroe — the 
great pioneer of his day — ^built a lodge, from 
which a fine view of the possessions of Spain 
and England is visible; and in this cool and 
elevated edifice James Buchanan is at present 
solacing his venerable infirmities. Over its 
entrance is emblazoned the immortal Monroe 
Doctrine, that no European state shall steal 
or buy sovereignty on the Western Hemisphere. 

The Monroe Doctrine is a diluted statement of 
the doctrine of Manifest Destiny, laid down 
by the Pasha and approved by the subscriber. 
The latter is the necessary consequence of tlie 
former, although the former is but a mutilated 
fragment of the truth. 

As the Monroe Doctrine is universally con- 
ceded to be true, we may employ it in elucidat- 
ing the topic under consideration ; but of course 
under protest — for if, in any respect, it runs out 
into absurdity, it is to the precise extent that it 
varies from the full statement of the doctrine of 
Manifest Destiny. 

The foundation of this great Monroe Doctrine 



MONROE DOCTEINE. 227 

is tlie admitted fact that all foreign states, among 
which Spain is, of course, included, have selfish 
and sinister designs in acquiring territory on 
these continents. It holds that the interests of 
America, and of civilization in general, will be 
so grievously affected by such acquisitions, that 
the abstract right of those States to conquer or 
buy on these continents is cancelled. 

It is not, however, the mere act of conquering 
or buying that is to work the anticipated harm, 
but the act of holding after acquisition. Thus, 
the principle under consideration is really lev- 
elled at the holding, and not at the act of acqui- 
sition. Now, it is perfectly clear that if the 
interests of humanity forbid the acquisition of a 
given right, in virtue of the evils that may result 
from holding it, they necessarily cancel the right 
of holding. One holding under a fraudulent 
purchase, has no title ; and so territorial acquisi- 
tions in fraud of the rights of humanity, confer 
no title on the holder. 

Here arises the only difficulty with the Mon- 
roe Doctrine, namely: assuming that the title of 
foreign states to territories acquired in this 
Hemisphere to be fraudulent and void as to 
human rights, by what authority do we take it 
upon ourselves to say that through the act of 
fraud, the title has become vested in us ? 

At this point, my dear Translator, steps in the 
noble doctrine of Manifest Destiny, to help out 



228 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

tlie feebleness of tlie Monroe Doctrine. It is this 
fact — that it is our instinct (as a nation we have 
no reason nor conscience), and therefore our des- 
tiny, to assert, in the name of humanity, its rights 
that have been trodden under foot — which assures 
to us a brilliant opportunity to hurl defiance at the 
iniited navies and opinions of the rest of the world. 

But to speak more accurately, we do not 
become exactly owners of what we thus rescue 
in the name of humanity ; we only hold it as 
salvors, until the debt of gratitude which 
humanity owes us is paid. As human nature is 
pretty much bankrupt, this obligation will never 
be discharged, and we shall continue to hold. 

It is obvious, therefore, that Spain, as a 
foreign state, has no right to hold Cuba, an 
island interjacent to the two American Conti- 
nents, and that we have a perfect right, in the 
great names of civilization and humanity in 
general, and our own peculiar interests in parti- 
cular, to take possession of Cuba by any means 
in our power. 

For one, I am in favor of buying Cuba, at a 
price far beyond its value. If Spain should 
refuse to sell, w^e should then call upon Brown — 
not the Sexton of Grace Church — but Brown of 
Mississippi — and he will attend the further pro- 
secution of our just claims. 

Sincerely, 

W. 



THE FOUKTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral notices Mount Vernon. 
Beloved Abel Ben Hassan. 

How sweet is cliarity! lovely as the lilies of 
Egypt, radiant as the roses of Persia, tender as 
the eye of a Circassian virgin, glorious as the tail 
of a bird of Paradise. 

The Americans are a very charitable race of 
men and women, and I will do their intellects 
the credit to say that they are very ingenious in 
their methods of exercising the divine virtue. 

When I was informed that a superb banquet 
would be eaten at the Gastronomic Hotel, in 
Broadway, for the benefit of the Widows and 
Orphans of Superannuated Peanut Yendors, I 
begged my intelligent acquaintance, Tompkins 
Eifendi, to explain to me the philosoj)hy of the 
enterprise. 

" Precious Pasha," said he, " our Professor of 
Greek used to call the attention of sophomores 
to that curious scriptural phrase commonly 



230 THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

translated * bowels of compassion' — ^he con- 
sidered it expressive. The people who dine at 
tlie Gastronomic propose to prove that they pos- 
sess those virtuous viscera. They will eat and 
drink and get decidedly merry, and the net 
profits of the feast will be devoted to charity. 
They will feel good and do good, contempor- 
aneously. They will mingle the joys of helping 
themselves to viands, and at the same time help- 
ing others. Appetite and conscience will kiss 
each other rapturously. There will be salmon 
and succor, beef and beneficence, partridges and 
pity, oysters eaten and orj)hans fed, woodcock 
dressed and widows clothed, and all without any 
of that troublesome, stupid, self-denial and sacri- 
fice which have been by some supposed to be 
involved in the work of dispensing charity." 

I am told that in a like skillful manner the 
Americans have charity fairs, whereat the ladies 
— sweet seductive creatures — sell many articles 
of apparently trifling value for large sums, to 
purchasers who are likewise sold, the proceeds 
of the double vendue being appropriated to do 
good, with a decided emphasis on the word do. 
The youthful Twaddler is allowed the privilege 
of paying into the lily hands of Miss Coupon the 
sum of ten dollars, and is gratified to receive in 
exchange a pincushion and two smiles. He 
returns to his lodgings, hangs his pincushion over 
the mantel, and retires with the sweet conscious- 



BUNKER HILL. 231 

ness of having done a good deed in a pleasant 
way. He has discharged his duty to the poor, 
who are always with society, supplied himself 
with a pincushion, and secured the honor of 
dancing the tenth redowa with Miss Coupon at 
the great charity ball on the following evening. 
He goes to the ball in the most humble and 
unselfish spirit, and dances with vigor and vir- 
tue, knowing that each effort of his toes will 
heal the sorrows of some unfortunate wretch, 
and feeling, each time he wipes the perspiration 
from his fine face, that his delightful saltation, 
while it moistens his own brow, will dry the 
tears of some weeper. 

The Americans are also charitable in a public 
and patriotic way. They delight to contribute 
towards commemorating the important events of 
their national life, and doing homage to their 
great men. Well read as you are in the history 
of the present century, you cannot have forgot- 
ten how eagerly they responded to the call upon 
them for funds to build the Bunker Hill Monu- 
ment ; how unnecessary and redundant cash 
streamed into Boston from all parts of the 
country, and with what just disdain the Building 
Committee rejected the offer of aid from a for- 
eign danseuse — the elastic Ellsler. 

The benevolence and beneficence of the nation 
ai-e at present concentrated on the subject of 
Mount Yernon. The Americans of course revere 



232 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

tlie memory of "Washington, their greatest and 
best man. They admire his prudent valor and 
laud his goodness, even if they do not always 
take his advice. He is cherished in their hearts, 
even if he does not reign supreme in their 
heads. 

To illustrate the depth and tenderness of this 
feeling, I need only cite to you the example of a 
wealthy gentleman in New York, who, on being 
asked to contribute towards the erection of the 
bronze statue of Washington in Union square, 
replied : 

" I think I won't subscribe. I have no need 
of a statue in front of my house to remind me 
of the Father of my Country; I have the 
Father of my Country here in my own bosom." 

And although the disappointed solicitor of 
contributions rejoined with more acrimony than 
elegance : " All Fve got to say is that you've 
got the Father of your Country in an aurful 
tight place ^^"^ yet I am inclined to think that the 
wealthy gentleman in question was perfectly 
consistent and truly American in l\is reply. It 
is cheaper, and therefore better and pleasanter, 
to have a great man in one's bosom than to pay 
for the privilege of seeing his image moulded in 
monumental brass. 

This deep-seated subjective regard for the 
memory of a hero has prompted the imj^ortant 
but puzzling question — ^how shall his home be 



THE GOTHS. 233 

kept sacred ? That home is each daj overrun 
and desecrated by hordes of a migratory and pre- 
datory race — the Tourists. The Tourists imitate 
the great Caesar — they come, they see, they con- 
quer. The Tourists are not content to have the 
Father of their country in their own bosoms. 
He must be represented to their eyes by symbols 
stolen from his grave, or from his nephew's 
grounds. The Tourists covet mementoes, and so 
they carry off pickets from the fences of Mount 
Yernon, bricks from the walls, hinges from the 
gates, locks from the doors, tulip bulbs from the 
gardens, geraniums from the hot-house, harness 
from the carriage-house, books from the library, 
vases from the drawing-rooms. The Tourists 
carry these things in reverential triumph to their 
homes, exhibit them with tears of sacred joy to 
their children, and so, by pious larceny, incite 
the young to love the Pater Patriae, and emulate 
his honor and truthfulness. 

It is evident, O golden calf of my heart's 
idolatry, that if the tribe of Tourists are longer 
permitted thus to express their hero-worship, 
they will soon distribute the whole Mount Yer- 
non estate over the North American continent, 
and it will be lost by diffusion. Therefore, 
Mount Yernon must be taken in hand, fenced in, 
guarded like some precious diamond in a strong 
case, that it may be looked at but not touched. It 
must be purchased from its present proprietor — 



234 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

and two hundred thousand dollars will do tlie 
business. 

"Whence is the money to come ? 

It clearly will not do to pay it out of the 
national treasury. The wise and pure-minded 
men who administer the federal government are 
too frugal to think for a moment of disbursing 
such a sum. l^either can it be expected that 
the people, as individuals, will contribute such 
an amount from their limited private stores. 
They are not in the habit, as we have seen, of 
expending money without an equivalent. They 
must have a quid pro quo. They will eat and 
drink for charity, buy pincushions for charity, 
dance for charity ; but we should not ask them 
to pay out money coolly and abstractly for such 
a vague and unremunerative object as the pur- 
chase of Mount Yernon. What shall be done ? 

My dear Abel, after consultation with my 
experienced friend before mentioned, I think 
we have arranged a plan by which the needful 
cash may be secured. The national cow must 
be amused before she will permit herself to be 
milked. The people will pay for diversion. Let 
the people be diverted. Let an entertainment 
of decidedly novel character be provided. Per- 
haps there is nothing more attractive than the 
appearance of a famous man in a curious and 
unexpected position or employment. "Who would 
not like to hear Socrates play a kettle-drum? 



BY ALL MEANS. 235 

"WTiat would we not give to see Martin Luther 
dance a Polonaise ? Would not thousands rush 
to hear Heriogabalus deliver a temperance lec- 
ture ? Would not many millions subscribe for 
the 'New York Weekly Driveller, if Pope Pius 
Ninth should consent to write for its columns a 
serial story of love, despair, and suicide ? 
Would not the whole of Christendom wax 
excited at the prospect of a " mill " between 
Tom Sayers and the Archbishop of Canterbury ? 
Of course. Suppose, then, we apply this princi- 
ple to the collection of a Mount Yernon fund. 
Let a performance be advertised to take place at 
the Academy of Music, New York, for which 
the great men of the land will rejoice to volun- 
teer their services. Let the programme be an 
agreeable and attractive melange, arranged, if 
you please, as follows : 

GREAT FESTIVAL 

In Aid of the Mount Vernon Fund, 

At the Academy of Ifusic, Feb. 22d, 185 — . 

PART I. 

The exultations of the evening will be introduced by a 
Grand Overture, 

" Hail Columbia," 
to be followed by 

1 . Sheridan's Five Act Comedy of the 

School for Scandal, 
the character of " Joseph Surface" being sustained for this time 
only by 

The President of the United States. 



236 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

2. Lecture on 

Finance, 

with the celebrated song of " I see a Bank," by 

The Secretary of the Treasury. 

3. Fascinating and picturesque 

Pas Seul, 

the Cachucha, in character, by 

The Secretary of State. 

4. An intensely interesting 

Recitation 
of an original poem entitled "The Angel's Smile, or the Sip of 
Nectar," written and repeated by 

A leading journalist of New York. 

5. Thrilling spectacular Melodrama entitled. 

The Poisoned Potatoe ; or The Ragpicker's Revenge ! ! 

The role of Rinaldo being kindly assumed by 

An eminent orator of Boston. 

[Intermission of twenty minutes, during which the contribu- 
tion-box will circulate.] 

PART II. 

1. Games of the Curriculum, 

Introducing the largest and most accomplished corps of Gym- 
nasts, Acrobats, and Tumblers in the world, to wit : 

The New York Legislature ! 

2. Essay on Oysters, 

With illustrations and experiments by 

The Governor of Virginia. 

3. The highly amusing Comedy, in two acts, entitled 

Summary Justice, 
The leading roha of which will be assumed by the Judges of 
the Supreme Court for the First Judicial District, assisted by a 
delegation of your Honors from the Court of Appeals. 

[l^- Five years and upwards are supposed to elapse between 
the first and second acts of this irresistibly funny Drama.] 



THE PEOGRAMME. 237 

4. Gorgeous Pantomime — 

The Magic Pen, 
Harlequin .... 
By a Fearless and Independent Editor of Washington. 
6. Daring feats on the 

CORDE ElASTIQUE, 

by the federal office-holders of Massachusetts, who have, in the 
most generous manner, volunteered their services for this occa- 
sion. It is to be hoped that their fearless poses plastiques, and 
tremendous tours deforce will be properly appreciated. 

\^° Particular attention is invited to the final tableau, in 
which the funambulists will portray their unaffected veneration 
for the memory of Webster, whom, living, they loved so well. 

6. A Series of Splendid Exploits, representing a 

Tournament in the Days of Chivalry, 
by a Special Committee of the House of Kepresentatives, ter- 
minating in an exciting 

Single Combat 
between the Champions of Pennsylvania and South Carolina. 

T. The Side-sphtting Farce of 

Consistency : 
composed by a Prominent Member of the Columbian Order, 
and enacted by the Sachems of Tammany. It is believed that 
this will be decidedly the most humorous afterpiece ever pre- 
sented to the American Public. 

Tickets of admission $1 each ; to be had everywhere. The 
curtain will rise at 1 o'clock precisely. 

" Exitus Acta Probat." 

^° No Money Returned. 

\^° The above Programme will be repeated every evening 
until Mount Vernon shall be purchased, and the deed of the 
premises duly recorded. 

1 am not vain, my charming son of Hassan ; 
yet, I flatter myself that my plan is strikingly 



238 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

original, as well as entirely practicable ; and that 
if it should be prosecuted energetically, but few 
weeks could elapse before the honored dust of the 
Father of his Country would be the property of 
those who should buy it. 

Thine, charitably, 

Mohammed. 



[Feom Me. H. U. M.] 



Chatham street, New York, 
22 February, 1859. 

Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir : On this day, so dear to every free- 
man's heart, I cannot refrain from telling you 
how much I am gratified by the plan proposed 
by the Kear Admiral for raising a fund to pur- 
chase the Mount Yernon property. The scheme 
is excellent, so far as it goes. It does not, 
however, permit me to say, go far enough. 

Advertising, sir, is the hfe-blood of business — 

nay, more, it is the but I canot find words 

to describe its power. I verily believe that if 
one were to fill two pages of a widely-circulated 
newspaper with repetitions of this sentence — 
^'JVero was a Christian Gentleman^^ and con- 
tinue the process once a week for six weeks, the 
judgment of history would be reversed; and 
some millions of intelligent readers would peti 



240 THE PASHA PArEES. 

tion the Pope to canonize that mjnred Roman 
individual. 

I would therefore respectfully suggest that 
your philosophic friends, the Pasha and Tomp- 
kins Effendi, should combine the business of ad- 
vertisers with that of showmen, in their plausible 
plan. All thej have to do is to intimate to the 
great advertising community that their money 
is desired forthwith, and that their contributions 
will be acknowledged in genuine business style — 
by publishing the facts of the gifts, together with 
the business of the givers. Nothing could be 
more feasible and profitable. 

For example, I am the inventor, patentee, 
manufacturer, and vendor of the justly cele- 
brated Electro-Chemical and Anti-Spasmodic 
Bunion Eradicator. If this precious ointment 
can be properly advertised, I can at once make 
a large fortune for myself, and confer a priceless 
boon upon the toe-joints of humanity at large. 
I am therefore ready, in the most patriotic spirit, 
to send to the Committee my check (certified) for 
$10,000, with the understanding that when the 
new tumulus shall be erected over the grave of 
the great "Washington, the south side of that 
tumnlus shall be inscribed with a brief poetical 
tribute to the virtues of my Eradicator, and a 
statement (in prose) of the prices at wholesale 
and retail. Then the people, " who pay their 
pious pilgrimages to the shades of Yernon," 



FIGITEES NEVER LIE. 241 

feeling footsore after their toilsome tramp, will 
gladly read the advertisement, and forthwith 
buy the Eradicator in large quantities. 

It requires no Zerah Colburn to perceive that 
if the tumulus should be built in an octagonal 
form, at least $80,000 might be immediately 
realized in this way. 

And, sir, if the Committee would arrange the 
walls of the mansion and the fences about the 
grounds with advertising panels, like those in our 
city railroad cars, who could count the cash that 
would be gladly paid for their occupation ? 
I remain, sir, 
"Your disinterested servant, 

H. U. M. 



11 



THE FIFTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral looks out on Broadway. 
Beloved Abel Ben Hassan. 

I HAVE been since early morning looking out on 
the most busy and splendid thoroughfare of 
New York — Broadway. The crowd of human- 
ity has been streaming past my eye like a great 
panorama. The canvas began to unroll just as 
the sun gilded the marble tops of the handsome 
stores over the way, opposite my apartments at 
the St. Nicholas. So I took my seat as a specta- 
tor, while the exhibition proceeded. 

The first figures that appeared on the scene 
were the milkmen. I happened to learn this 
fact from the signs painted on their carts, the 
language they used in proclaiming their pres- 
ence being totally unintelligible, a mere melan- 
choly howl. I am told that tlieir entire ignorance 
of the English Language is the reason of their 
employment, for if they should exclaim " Milk," 
they would tell a falsehood in the most public 
manner, and the virtuous men who manufacture 

242 



THE deiat:k. 243 

the milk do not wish to temj)t them to tell lies. 
The drivers, therefore, do not shout " Milk," but 
make a sound like this, — 

Moo — 00 — 00 — eaugh ! the last syllable ending 
with a yell like that of a crazy camel. 

Soon the omnibuses began to run down town, 
almost emj^ty at first, but filling up as the morn- 
ing advanced. Tlie driver of a Broadway stage 
is a marvel of the power of attention. I know 
that history delights to gossip about Julius 
Caesar, how he used to converse fluently, write 
one letter, and dictate two others, contempor- 
aneously ; I have heard of a Turkish sage who 
could smoke his chibouque, eat his pilau, read 
his Alcoran, drink his coflTee, scold two wives and 
compliment a third, all at the same moment ; 
and I have seen a young woman at a ball who 
could entertain six young gentlemen, and at the 
same time watch with anxiety the movements of 
a seventh in the opposite corner of the room : — 
but these achievements are nothing compared 
with the mental exploits of the driver of a Broad- 
way omnibus. He guides his horses over a 
pavement that is slippery as ice, picks them up 
when they fall, watches both sides of the street 
for customers, and the carriage-way for obstacles, 
lets passengers in and out, receives their money 
and gives change, cuts behind at the boys who 
attempt to steal a ride, exchanges greetings with 
the other drivers of his line and hurls defiance at 



244 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

the opposition, slioiits a word of warning to old 
women who are running across the highway, 
bandies sarcasms with a tipsy passenger who 
wishes to be left at the corner of Fourteenth 
street and Bowling Green and advises him that 
if he don't know where he lives he'd better 
move, talks politics with the policeman who 
shares his seat, and sings a variety of popular 
airs. This he does from 6 a.m. till midnight, — 
and all for nine dollars a week. 

I may remark that the Russ Pavement seems 
to be admirably adapted to effect what has long 
been a desideratum in this city — the Helief of 
Broadway. It is so ingeniously constructed that 
when rain or snow falls it is quite impossible for 
any quadruped to stand on it, much less to travel 
over it. All vehicles are thus obliged to turn 
out into the parallel streets, and Broadway is 
effectually " relieved." 

The multitude of people who rise early and 
work hard soon begin to hurry along beneath 
my window. There is the porter striding down 
to open the warehouse; the druggist's clerk 
with slim figure and wonderfully curly hair ; the 
mason with his tools and luncheon ; the comely 
young girls hastening to their toil in the bindery, 
the paper box factory, and the milliner's shop. 
I have a profound respect for these bright-eyed, 
industrious girls. They may not have the best 
fitting wardrobe or the most cultivated brains of 



SOMETHING TO DO. 245 

all women-kind ; but tliey have sometliing to Do, 
tliey are busy in a world where the Devil en- 
courages much idleness, they have a career of 
their own — it may be that they will marry for 
love instead of livelihood — and so with mental 
hand I lift my mind's fez-cap to them and pray 
that they may be delivered from evil and remain 
true to their honest independence. 

The crowd thickens and the wayfarers jostle 
one another on the pavement. There are sharp 
faces of lawyers with knitted brows and keen 
eyes; brokers witli trowsers cut in the latest 
style, and beards of elegant development ; mer- 
chants with speculation in their eyes, and the 
lines of the ledger graven on their faces. They 
all incline forward as they walk, seeming to be 
grasping after something of which they are in- 
pursuit. They are in a terrible hurry, and will 
probably get rich by the time that dyspepsia 
and disease of the heart have rendered them 
incapable of enjoying wealth. 

Some pretty girls are tripj)ing to school over 
the way, and with them are walking some ingen- 
uous youths who carry the young ladies' books in 
a proud and devoted manner, giving evidence 
that here, even as in Turkey, the gentle flame of 
youthful passion is ever renewed. Ah! rosy 
cheeks and laughing lips — innocent dreams of 
early love — memory and hope — ^the blue and 
gold of life ! 



246 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Tlie day wears on and whatever elements of 
luxury the New Yorkers possess begm to aj^pear. 
My valued acquamtance, Mrs. Coupon, drives 
past in her handsome carriage, with coachmen 
and footmen dressed in strange attire. I cannot 
imagine why they should be disguised so gro- 
tesquely. Probably Madam believes that her 
coachman and footman do not belong to the 
same race with herself ; perhaps she thinks that 
if they are bedizened like aj^es, she will look 
more human and rational by contrast — perliaps 
she does not philosophize at all about the matter, 
but only knows that Mrs. Jute, and Mrs. Pre- 
ferred Stock, and Mrs. Ipecac dress up their 
coachmen and footmen in the same way. 

A number of ladies are strolling past dressed 
in that magnificent walking costume which is so 
common in this country, but which I have never 
seen in any other civilized land. I will not 
allude to the value of this style as a means of 
sweeping the pavements, as the idea has been 
suggested before. The fair ladies stop and look 
with admiration at the fine dresses displayed in 
a shop window. Tompkins Efi'endi, who has 
just entered the room, heaves a doleful sigh. 

'' Why are you sorrowful, O melody of my 
thorax ?" 

" To see those splendid garments. I see them 
every day. I cannot take a walk but they flash 
before my eyes. They are signals of danger. 



FOG BELLES. 247 

Thej point out the hidden rocks, the jagged 
reefs, the deceitful quick-sands, of matrimony. I 
am a bachelor, a peaceful, but somewhat lonely 
man. I have my reveries, as every man has, 
and dream of the joys of wedded sympathy. 
Then I go out upon the street, and ask myself 
whether I shall take the risk of having to devote 
all my energies to the dressing of a young 
woman, in a style that would astound the Queen 
of Sheba. Perhaps this is selfishness and 
cowardice on my part, but the feeling is sin- 
cere." 

" But to waive this melancholy subject, who, 
my beloved Tompkins, is the portly gentleman 
who -^alks along with so much benevolence 
beaming from his face ?" 

" That's my friend Preferred Stock. Nice 
old party. Retired from business years ago. 
Nothing to do but walk Broadway, nod at the 
Union Club, and attend to charity. He is a 
director of a dozen hospitals, dispensaries, and 
asylums. Fine institutions — ornaments of the 
city — we exhibit them to strangers — you ought 
to visit them. Mr. Preferred Stock takes great 
interest and pride in them, though I am afraid 
that he forgets that they have been providen- 
tially provided to keep him from dying of ennui. 
And observe, my gallant Admiral, the illogical 
conduct of P. S. and those who are like him. 
They think it an excellent thing to employ the 



248 THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

time wliicli would otherwise hang heavily on 
their hands, in managing the institutions which 
are filled with the results of misery and crime, 
and yet they think it a very disgraceful thing to 
take part in the government of the city, by 
which, if properly administered, much misery 
and crime might be prevented. They will 
establish great public institutions, and yet 
neglect that greater one, the polls in their own 
ward. They say that politics are dirty, and so 
they are, but only because they have been left in 
dirty hands. They will subscribe to lunatic and 
inebriate asylums, and yet neglect to vote for 
legislators and executive ofiicers who will sup- 
press rum-selling. They will work energetically 
as managers of a Magdalen Hospital, yet forbid 
you ever to mention the existence of the gilded 
palaces of shame so near us, and will not lift a 
hand to pull them down. They will groan and 
groan about frauds in the city Government, and 
yet consider themselves insulted if you ask them 
to be candidates for Aldermen or Coimcilmen, 
and bored if you beg them to go and vote for 
some decent man. But they are delighted by an 
opportunity to spend some hours weekly in 
working for some vast incorporated Association 
for Shutting the Stable Door after the Steed is 
Stolen, and almost fancy that thereby they get 
the debit on Heaven's side in the ledger of 
life." 



THE TIGEK. 249 

" And who is this elaborately handsome man 
with a slender yonth by his side — some wise 
Mentor with his confiding Telemachus ?" 

"Well, yes — you may call them by those 
names. Mentor is wise, with a certain sort of 
wisdom. He is the most eminent gambler in the 
town ; and Telemachus, who walks with him, is 
confiding to the last degree. Telemachus is at 
present one of the richest young men and * most 
desirable matches ' in America. His grand- 
father was an honest butcher in the Bowery, who 
purchased a large farm in that quarter. It so 
increased in value that his grandson is very 
wealthy. Telemachus spends his mornings in 
bed, his afternoons in Broadway, his evenings 
anywhere, and his nights at the splendid estab- 
lishment of Mentor. He is engaged in the old 
battle with the ' Tiger,' and it requires no very 
keen perception to predict that the agile animal 
will come oif conqueror. Charming Tiger — with 
great, green, glittering eyes, and sleek striped 
coat, and gracefully waving tail — ^Telemachus 
fondly imagines he can thrash you — you who 
have crunched the bones of so many stronger 
men !" 

The tide begins to ebb. The people who went 
down late return early, and those who went 
down early return late. Mr. Smash, who is in 
the dry goods jobbing business, is very late — he 
is so busy. He has a family of small children 
11* 



250 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

wliom he has hardlj ever seen. They are asleep 
when he leaves them in the morning, and they 
have been put to bed by the time he gets through 
his late dinner. So he does not know them by 
sight. Mrs. Smash, who has a fine sense of 
humor, had the baby left at his door one Christ- 
mas morning, nicely wrapped in a basket witli a 
letter directed to Smash, stating that he was the 
father of the child, and must provide for it. 
Smash looked at the innocent, denied his pater- 
nity in rather emphatic language, and, calling 
a policeman, directed him to carry the found- 
ling to the station-house. So says Tompkins 
Effendi. 

The gas is lighted, and the crowd still rushes 
on beneatli its glare. Pleasure-seekers are 
abroad going to the theatre, or the opera, or 
elsewhere. Among them, O Abel Ben Hassan, 
I see a wreck of womanhood — bright, defiant 
eyes ; hollow, painted cheeks ; a smile about her 
lips ; woe unutterable graving sharp lines in her 
brow. Just Allah ! Is there any pity too pro- 
found for her fate ? any curse too awful for the 
man or men who led her to this hideous life-in- 
death? 

And so the evening passes, with the crowd 
still surging beneath my window. Will it never 
cease to roar and rush ? Yes, the noise grows 
fainter now. Past midnight. The last stage is 
going up. " This way, right away, all the way 



A GOOD NIGHT. 251 

up Broadway," says tlie driver; but, declining 
liis kind invitation, I turn my back on the 
panorama, and bid you, my son of Hassan, a 
very 

Good Night, 

MoHAMJklED. 



[Fkom a Gkumbler.*] 

New York, April 12, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sm : Tbe gloom of my liighly respectable 
lodgings was irradiated last week by tbe receipt 
of tbe following pleasant invitation : 

Mr. D. E. F 

The Council of the National Academy of Design request 
the pleasure of your Company at the Private View of the 
Thirty-fourth Annual Exhibition, on Monday Evening, April 11, 
at 7 o'clock. 
Tenth street, near Broadway. 

I gave a trifling gratuity to the bearer of tbis 
note, and exultantly tbrew my beels on tbe near- 
est cbair, and my eyes up towards tbe aeiling. I 
revelled in anticipation of tbe pleasure wbicb I 

* This letter is published under protest. It is ill-natured and 
ungrateful. Mr. D. E. F. is a highly ridiculous person, and his 
remarks have nothing to do with the Fifteenth Epistle. — Trans. 

252 



ANTICIPATIONS. 253 

was to enjoy in return for bestowing on tlie 
Council the requested pleasure of my Company. 

Delightful Council ! Exquisite Private Yiew ! 

Think of it — ^Mr. Translator — the six rooms of 
the Academy pleasantly lighted and comfortably 
warmed — a number of precious pictures hung on 
the walls — some painted wood notes wild by 
Kensett — a delicately faithful study by Durand 
— some reflections of picturesque reality by the 
Harts — birds by Tait and animals by Hays — heads 
by Lawrence and Huntington — sketches by Dar- 
ley and Ehninger — tropical glories of Church and 
Mignot — who would not gladly confer the favor 
of his Company upon the Council, for a Private 
Yiew of such delectable sights ? 

Observe, too, the delicate flattery of the card. 
I was selected from among the vast shoals of 
JSTew York humanity, to make one of a small but 
appreciative assembly, who in charming seclu- 
sion should take a Private Yiew. I fell into a 
state of blissful A^anity. Why — said I — am I 
chosen from the many millions who have eyes ? 
By what good fairy was my name thrust upon 
the benignant Council ? 

Let me see — there will be about one hun- 
dred and fifty people, picked by a critical eclec- 
ticism, whose Comj)any will be requested by the 
Council — the most tasteful people in the town 
(of whom I am one), and in a cosy, quiet way 
we will look through the windows which the 



254 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

artists have prepared for us, and see ITatiire in 
all her loveliness, as the rapt, breathless Actseon 
gazed on divine Diana — but without any danger 
of being devoured bj hounds, or disgusted with 
puppies. 

With such feelings I went to the Academy on 
Monday Evening, April 11. When I arrived at 
the building I was surprised to find a crushing 
crowd about the entrance. I filled my sleeves 
with little chuckles of selfish satisfaction. 

These, thought I, are unfortunate people 

who have received no cards from the Council. 
How they m^ust envy me ! 

As I proceeded up the stairway, I saw another 
crowd, swarming in the lobby and hanging like 
bees on the balustrade — the most unpleasant 
sort of a crowd, young snobs with very Ameri- 
can figures in excessively English clothes, and 
green girls with no more than an idea and a half 
in each of their silly little heads. Tliey stared 
at me, as I passed up, with what seemed to be a 
mixture of envy and impertinence. 

These, thought I, are unfortunate youths who 
have not received cards from the Council. The 
Council knew that our jeunesse doree have neither 
brains nor culture. The Council have not re- 
quested the pleasure of their Company, and so 
they are mollifying their grief by flirting around 
the entrance, and staring decent people out of 
countenance. 



SELECT. 255 

So, witli some hope, I entered the iirst room, 
and lo ! another crowd of young, old, tall, short, 
fat, lean, pale, florid, men, women and children ; 
— fuming, pushing, and gabbling. Do you ask 
if there were pictures on the walls? I think not. 
At least, I did not get near enough to the walls 
to see any. I began to get bewildered. Was 
this a ball, or an auction, or a mere mob ? Yet 
I tried not to despair. This, said 1, is the Court 
of the Gentiles. The fortunate select, whose 
Company has been requested at a Private Yiew, 
have been admitted into the sacred penetralia 
of the other rooms. 

I entered the second room. Another crowd 
more stifling and noisy than any I had yet 
encountered. 

Mrs. Coupon w^as there glowing and drip- 
ping with the heat. 

" Oh ! I didn't want to come, a bit. Don't 
know much about pictures — ^but my daughter 
Josy would come, and there was nobody but me 
to shampoon her." 

Jdsy, who w^ould come, was discussing the 
latest style of spring bonnets with young Poplin, 
who is better posted on millinery than any other 
male adult in the city. 

The Hon. Mr. Kigmarole was there, very 

red in the face and husky in the voice, discussing 
the Paraguay Question, and lauding the episto- 
lary eloquence of our Commissioner. 



256 THE PASHA PAPERS. 



■Other people, too numerous to specify, 



were crusliing each others' corns and crinoline, 
and cackling about cotton, stocks, pork, politics, 
real estate and the weather — about everything, 
in fact, except w^hat is aesthetic ; and their min- 
gled voices made a clatter that would have been 
maddening, if it had not been now and then 
drowned by the roar of a brass band. 

I did not see any paintings in this room, 
though I was prompted to believe that there 
were some on the w^alls, by a little conversation, 
which I overheard, between the great Mr. Cara- 
mel and a young artist. 

^The great Mr. Caramel is a connoisseur 

and patron of art ; that is to say, he is quite 
rich, and when an artist's fame is fully estab- 
lished so that he is far beyond the reach of starv- 
ation, the great Mr. Caramel buys his pictures, 
and values them in the inventory of his property 
at their cost. 

The artist was pointing out a landscape, and 
Caramel was looking at it and the catalogue 
alternately ; — 

Caramel. "Aw — ^liuui — yes — I see — a view 
on the coast of China — bamboos very good." 

Artist (slightly vexed), "It is a scene on the 
northern coast of France." 

But I was not yet totally discouraged. I 
thought that there might be some corner of the 
Academy where I could find peace, seclusion, 



YOUNG COUPON. 257 

opportunity for contemplation, — and so I forced 
my way through the third, fourth, fifth and sixth 
rooms, successively. In vain. Everywhere the 
crowd swarmed and sprawled like the frogs of 
Egypt. Tiiere were squeezing, panting, giggling, 
groaning, chattering, perspiring — and music by 
the band. 

That was the Private Yiew at which the plea- 
sure of my Company was requested in such a 
select manner. 

When I left the crowd, it was refreshing to 
hear the juvenile Coupon (male) — whose soul 
had doubtless been purified by this Private 
Yiew of the Beautiful — cry out to an equally 
elegant companion : 

'' I say, Fred, let's dry up on Art, and go and 
poke the balls at Phelan's. 

My dear Translator, I will give you a piece of 
advice, gratis : — ^Never flatter yourself that you 
are one of the favored few. 

With respect, 

Your Obt. Servant 

D. E. F. 



L 



THE SIXTEENTH EPISTLE. 

Which is not from the Rear Admiral, but, parenthetically, from 
Tompkins Eflfendi, who writes to the Translator, on the 
subject of Conversational Depravity. 

To the Chief Justice of Glenwood. 

Sublime Sm: 

In some collection of Modern Poetry, 
I remember to have met with these elegant 
lines : 

" When punsters stoop to verbal folly, 
And find at last it doesn't pay — 
That puns are not so very jolly, 

And rather grim and grave than gay ; — 

" What can the wretched beings do, 
In our esteem to set them high up. 
But straight renounce their verbal lusts, 
And most considerately— dry up?" 

I think that there is more truth in those 
stanzas than is to be found in every scrap of 
Modern Poetry. What can be more destructive 
of the higher forms of conversation than a pun ? 

25S 



THE FIEND. 259 

What right has any one to explode a petard in 
the midst of sweet sociality, and blow every- 
thing like sequence and sentiment sky-high ? 
And therefore, since you, as Translator of the 
Pasha's Letters, have taken pains to publish his 
observations on many social subjects, I think it 
eminently proper that you should ventilate the 
ideas of his friend Tompkins upon a not less 
important theme. 

Happily, I have been saved the trouble of 
original composition, by a discovery made by my 
landlady while I was boarding a year ago on St. 
John's Park. Mr. Green, our attic boarder, 
went off suddenly one day to see a friend in the 
country, as he said. Of course our landlady 
searclied his room, with a view of reading his 
letters ; and in a brown hair-trunk, with a boot- 
jack, a razor-strop, a box of Seidlitz pow- 
ders, and an odd volume of Young's Night 
Thoughts, she found the following manuscript. 
The females of the house w^ere satisfied w^itli 
reading such letters as were left by Mr. Green in 
his apartment, and so this paper was handed 
over to me. I may say that it was marked with 
pencil, " Declined with Tlianks." 

THE PUN-FIEND. 

BY C. GREEN. 

"I used to be corpulent, rosy-cheeked, ajid 



260 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

cheerful. I am gaunt, pale, and morose now. I 
used, to sleep sweetlj ; but now I toss about upon 
my bed, terrified by hideous visions, and feelings 
as of a clammy hand or wet cloth laid on my 
face. I was wont to walk about our streets after 
business hours and on Sundays, witli a genuine 
smile of enjoyment lighting up my face ; but 
now I hurry along with my eyes cast down, and 
I seek by-ways and dark lanes for my rambles. 
My friends think I am in love ; persons wlio 
know me but slightly, suppose me a victim to 
remorse — imagine that I wear a hair-shirt, and 
macerate my flesh. They are all wrong. An 
old bachelor like myself has long ago buried the 
light of love in a tomb, and set a seal upon the 
great stone at the door ; and as for remorse, I 
owe no tailor anything, and do not at present 
blame myself for any great fault, except having 
once subscribed for six months to the E"ew York 
Morning Cretan. JS'evertheless, my face grows 
haggard, my step weary, and even our Thurs- 
day's beef d la mode fails to tempt my enfeebled 
appetite. 

" I am haunted, haunted by a foul fiend. He 
meets me at six, p.m., in our festive dining-room, 
and the fork or spoon drops from my nerveless 
grasp. He follows me up to the parlor, where I 
sometimes talk of an evening to Miss Pipkiu 
(Miss P. is our fourth story, front) and I become 
silent in his presence, and Pipkin votes me a 



HAUNTED. 261 

bore. He sits bj mj side when I am playing at 
whist, and I trump my partner's trick, and the 
dear old game becomes disgusting. He even 
dared once to follow me into church, but I cried 
' Avaunt,' in a tone so peremptory, that he fled 
for a moment. He joined me, however, as soon 
as service was over, and walked from Tenth 
street to Madison Square, with his grisly arm 
thrust through mine, and his diabolical jeers 
drumming on my tympana. In di-eams he 
perches on my breast, and clutches me by the 
throat. 

" Like the arch fiend, he assumes many shapes. 
He is now a tall man, and again a short man ; 
sometimes young and audacious, sometimes old 
and leering. He only once took a feminine 
guise: that blessed form was irksome to him. 
He prefers the freedom of masculinity and inef- 
fables. He was once a book-keeper, like myself ; 
then a young attorney ; then a medical student ; 
then a bald-headed, old gentleman, who seemed 
to blow a flageolet for a living ; and lastly, he 
has taken the shape of a well-to-do President of 
' The Arkansas and Arizona Sky Rocket Trans- 
portation Company.' But through all these 
shifting shapes, I recognize him and shudder. 

" He is known as the Funny Fellow. 

" Yery glorious are wit and humor. I have 
heard many eminent lecturers discourse on the 
distinctions, definitions and value of these airy 



262 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

good gifts. I remember being especially edified 
by the skill with which Spout, the eloquent, dis- 
sected the philosophy of mirth in the same style 
and with the same effect that the boy in the 
story dissected his grandmamma's bellows to 
see how the wind was raised. I agree with 
Spont that wit and humor are glorious ; that 
satire, pricking the balloons of conceit, vain- 
glory, and hypocrisy, is invaluable ; that a good 
laugh can come only from a warm heart; that the 
man in motley is often wiser than the judge in 
ermine or the priest in lawn. These qualities are 
goodly in literature. We all love the kindly 
humorist from Chaucer to Holmes, inclusive. 
How genial and gentle they are, as they sit with 
us around the fire-side, chucking us under the 
chins, and slily poking us in the ribs ; and in the 
field how nobly they have charged upon hum- 
bugs and shams. They have been true knights, 
chivalrous, kind-hearted, brave, religious ; their 
spears are slender, perhaps, yet sharp ahd elastic 
as the blades of Toledo ; and as they have gal- 
loped up and down in the lists, gaily caparisoned 
and cheery, it has done our hearts good to see 
how they have hurled into the dust the pom23ous, 
sleepy champions of error and hypocrisy. 

"So too, consider how pleasant a thing is 
mirth on the stage. Who docs not thank Wil- 
liam the Great for Falstafi*, and Hackett for his 
personation of the fat knight ? Who does not 



THE OLD TBIES. 263 

chuckle over the humors of Autolycus, rogue and 
peddler? Who has not felt his eye glisten, as 
his lip smiled, when Jesse Eural has spoken, 
and who will not say to Ollapod, ' Thank you, 
good Sir, I owe you one?' 

" Ah ! me— how I used to read tliose jolly, 
unctuous authors when I was young, in the old 
' sitting-room ' at home ! The great fire-place 
glows before me now; its light dances on the 
wall ; my mother's hand is on my head ; my sis- 
ter's eyes are beaming on her lover over in the 
darker corner ; there is a murmur of pleasant 
voices ; there are quiet mirth and deep joy. I 
lose myself in reverie when I think of these 
pleasures, and almost forget the Funny Fellow. 

" He is pestiferous. If I were in the habit of 
profanity, I would let loose upon him an octa- 
gonal oath. If I were a man of muscle, it 
would be pleasant to get his head in chancery, 
and bruise it. It would be a relief to serve him 
with subi-oenas, or present him long bills and 
demand immediate payment. Was my name 
13rovidentially ordered to be Green, that he might 
cast verbal contumely upon it? Does he sup- 
pose that a man can live thirty-five years in this 
state of probation, without becoming slightly 
callous to a pun on his own name? Yet he con- 
tinues to pun on mine as if the process were 
highly amusing. Then again he interrupts any 
little attempts at pleasing conversation with his 



264: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

infernal absurdities. I was speaking one day at 
the dinner table of a well known orator who had 
been entertaining the town, and I flatter myself 
that my remarks were critically just as well as 
deeply interesting. The wretched being inter- 
posed — ■ 

"'Mr. Green, when you say there was too 
much American Eagle in the speaker's discourse, 
do you mean that it was a talon-ted production 
—and to what claws of the speech do you espe- 
cially refer V 

" Miss Pipkin, who had been deeply intent on 
my observations commenced to titter; what 
could I do but liang my head and swallow the 
rest of the meal in silence. If I had been pos- 
sessed of a quick tongue, I would have lashed 
him with sarcasms, and Pipkin should have 
rejoiced with me in his groans. But no — ^I am 
slow of speech — and so I was bound to submit. 
After that he w^as more tyrannical than ever. 
He would come stealthily into my room and 
garrotte me in a conversational way. He would 
seem to take me by the throat saying — ' why 
don't you laugh — why don't you burst with mer- 
riment ?' — and then I would force a dismal grin, 
just to get rid of him. 

" I said to myself, I will leave this selfish 
Sahara called the city and county of New York. 
I will leave its dust, dirt, carts, confusion, bulls 
bears, Peter Funks, Jeremy Diddlers, and, best 



TO YONKEKS. 265 

of all, tlie Funnj Fellow. I will take board in 
some rural, as well as accessible place ; tlie mos- 
quitoes and ague of Flushing shall refresh mj 
frame ; the cottages of Astoria, with their pleas- 
ing view of the Penitentiary, shall receive my 
wounded spirit : I will exile myself from my 
native land to the shores of Jersey ; I will sit 
beneath the shadow of the Quarantine on Staten 
Island. ISTo — I won't — I will go to Yonkers — 
Yonkers that looks as though it had been built 
on a gentle slope, and then had suffered a violent 
attack of earthquake ; daily boats shall convey 
me from my ledger to my bed and board, at con- 
venient hours, so that while I post books in New 
York by day, I may revel in breezes, moon- 
beams, sweet rnilk and gentle influences, by 
night. There, said I, in a burst of excusable 
enthusiasm, I will recline beneath wide-spread- 
ing beeches, and pipe upon an oaten reed. 
There will I listen to the soft bleating of lambs, 
and scent the fresh breath of cows ; nature shall 
touch and thrill me with her gentle hand; I 
will see the dear flowers turn their faces up to 
receive the kiss of the rising sun, or the benedic- 
tion of the summer shower. There, too, I will 
meet the members of the mystic P. B., so that 
I shall talk of books other than day-books 
and blotters : we will discourse reverently of 
authors and their creations. I will not meet 
the Funny Fellow, for such a wretch can be 
12 



260 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

produced only in tlie corrupt social hot-bed of 
Gotham. 

" So to Yonkers I went. I chose a room look- 
ing out upon the Hudson and the noble Palisades. 
I took with me a flute, a copy of the Bucolics of 
Yirgil, and numerous linen garments. A great 
calm came over me. I was no longer haunted, 
goaded, o]3pressed. ' With peace nestling in my 
bosom, I went down to my first supper in the 
new boarding-house. A goodly meal smoked 
on the table, and the savor of baked shad, sweet- 
est of smells, went up. While I sat choking 
myself with the bones of this delicious fish, I 
heard a voice on the opposite side of the table 
that sent the blood to my heart. If I had been 
feminine, there would have been a scene. 

" He was there : his eyes gloated over the 
board, a malicious quirk sat astride his fat lips. 
The Funny Fellow spoke to Miss Grasscloth : 

" ' Why are the fishermen who catch these 
shad like wigmakers V 

" ' I don't know.' 

'' ' Because they make their living from bare 
poles.' 

" I ate no more supper. A nausea supervened. 
I left the table, rushed into the cool evening air, 
and let the fresh breeze visit my faded cheek. I 
strolled up the main street of Yonkers, and as I 
crushed my toes against the stones which then 
adorned that highway, I resolved to call on my 



FUNNY FELLOW AT YONKERS. 267 

sweet friend Julia . Her gentle smile, said 

I, will console me. Slie is not a Fimny Fellow. 
We will talk together calmly, earnestly, in the 
moonlight, close by the great river. I will sit as 
near to her as her fashionable garments will per- 
mit, and forget my foe. 

" We walked together — Julia and I. We 
talked of things good and true. We spoke of 
the beauty of the nocturnal scene. Alas ! a fear- 
ful, a demoniac change came over the girl's face. 
She said — 

" ' Yes, my friend, we ought to enjoy this 
scene — ^for we are fine-nio-ht beino-s.' ^ 

" I bid a hasty farewell to the large eyes and 
gentle smile. She was not much offended at my 
abrupt and angry departure, for my salary is 
small, my hair is turning grey, and I do not 
dance. But I was not entirely discouraged. 
I resolved to give Yonkers a fair trial, and 
a true verdict to render according to the evi- 
dence. So I frequented the tea-parties and 
sociables so common in that wretched town, 
and strove to shake off the melancholy that clung 
to me like the Old Man of the Sea. To my 
horror, the Funny Fellow became multiplied like 
the reflections in a shivered mirror. Men and 
women, and even - young innocent children, 
became Funny, and danced about me in a lor- 

* Mr. Green certainly has been in Yonkers, and formed the 
acquaintance of " The Colonel." — Trans. 



268 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

riblemaze, and squeaked and gibbered, and tossed 
their jokes in my face. In one week I made five 
mortal enemies, by refusing to smile when their 
tormenting squibs were exploded in my eyes. I 
felt like a rustic pony, who comes in his sim]3le 
way into town on the Fourth of July, and has 
Chinese crackers and fiery serpents cast under 
his heels. One evening, in particular, they 
asked me to play the game of Comparisons (a 
proverbially odious game, that could exist only 
in an elfete and degenerate civilization), in 
which the entire comj^any tried to see how 
Funny they could be ; and because I made 
stupid answers, I was laughed at by the young 
ladies. 

" I became disgusted with Yonkers, and 
returned to my intramural boarding-house in St. 
John's Park. The sidewalk near the house was 
in a dilapidated state, through the carelessness 
of the contractor, who had stipulated to pave it 
properly, but had not paved it at all, excejDt with 
good intentions. And therefore as I came along, 
I first besmeared my boots with mud, then 
tripped my toes against a pile of bricks, and 
finally fell headlong into the gutter. As I rose 
up and denounced, in somewhat loud language, 
the idleness and inefficiency of the contractor who 
had the work in charge, the Funny Fellow stood 
before me, his eyes glaring with triumph. He 
spoke in reply to my denunciations ; 



A EETEEAT. 269 

" ' My dear Green, do not call the contractor 
lazy and inefficient. I am sure that his is an 
energy that never flags !' 

'' I rushed to the room where I am now seated. 
There is but one hope left me. 

" In the Territory of Nebraska, far to the west 
thereof, lies a tract of land which the early 
French trappers, with shrewd fitness, called the 
' Mauvaises Terres.' It is a region of rocks, 
petrifactions, and other pre-Adamite peculiari- 
ties. In a paper wTitted by Dr. Leidy of Phila- 
delphia, and published by the Smithsonian Insti- 
tute, w^e are assured that there once lived in 
these bad lands, turtles six feet square, and 
alligators, compared with which the present 
squatter sovereigns of the Territory are lovely 
and refined. The fossil remains of these ancient 
inhabitants still incumber the earth of that 
region, and make it unp>leasant to view with an 
agricultural eye ; but here and there the general 
desolation is relieved by a fertile valley, with a 
running brook and green slopes. "White men, 
whisky, and Funny Fellows have not yet pene- 
trated there. I will go to this sanctuary. A 
snug cabin will contain my necessary household 
gods — to wit — ^twelve shirts and a Bible. I will 
plant my corn, and tobacco, and vines on the 
fertile slope tliat looks to the south ; my cattle 
and sheep shall browse the rest of the valley, 
while a few agile goats shall stand in picturesque 



270 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

positions upon the rocky monsters described by 
Dr. Leidy. My guests shall be the grave and 
wise red men who never try to make bad jokes. 
I do not think they ever try to be Funny ; but 
to make assurance doubly sure, I shall not learn 
their language, so that any melancholy attempts 
they may possibly make, will fall upon unappre- 
ciative ears. By day I will cultivate my crops 
and tend my flocks and herds ; and in the long 
evenings smoke the calumet with the worthy 
aborigines. If I should find there some dusky 
maiden, like Palmer's Indian girl, who has no 
idea of puns, polkas, crinoline, or eligible 
matches, I will woo her in savage hyperbole, 
and she shall light my pipe with her slender 
fingers, and beat for me the tom-tom when I 
am sad. I will live in a calm and conscien- 
tious way ; the Funny Fellow shall become like 
the dim recollection of some horrible dream, 
and" 

Mr. Green seems not to have finished his inte- 
resting reflections, and I shall not attempt to 
complete them. As well might I try to finish 
the Cathedral of Cologne. But I heartily sym- 
pathize with the feelings he has expressed, and 
trust that his new home in the West will never 
be invaded by conversational garroters. 
Sincerely your friend, 

Tompkins. 



[In Eeply.] 

Glen WOOD, Aj)ril 1, 1859. 



Eminent Tompkins, 



YouK letter just received was but a new 
proof of the tlieorj that all great minds do 
sweetly sympathize. If there is anything lovely 
in the eyes of this Translator, it is simple and 
direct speech ; if there is anything odious, it is 
that mental tortuosity which manifests itself in 
puns. 

Cheerfully did this translator accept the office 
of Most Worshipful Grand Punster of Glenwood, 
conferred upon him by an enthusiastic constitu- 
encv. With his earnest aflection for An2:lo- 
American undefiled, and his holy horror of those 
tricks of speech which sacrifice the sense of 
words to their sound, he entered upon the dis- 
charge of the duties of the office in question 
with feelings that made those duties a delight. 

Crime rejoices in concealment. It is per- 

271 



272 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

fected, like celery, in tlie dark. It hates the 
light — and runs away therefrom, as yon may 
have seen roaches scamper when yon have 
suddenly opened a closet in yonr boarding-house. 
Yon therefore find that punsters are tbnd of 
secrecy. They shun tlie open sunlight of 
sociality. They whisper their wickedness seduc- 
tively in tempted ears. They mutter their mad- 
ness in low tones ; or when they speak aloud 
they meanly lay the blame of their verbal 
iniquity at the door of an absent friend ; as 
tlius — 

"Smith said a vile thing the other day. 

Speaking of tomatoes he observed , etc., 

etc. ;" or — 

" By the way that reminds me of a joke of 
Jones' , etc." 

It was clearly the duty of the M. W. G. P. to 
bear away these cloaks of concealment — to open 
those closet doors of secrecy, to put the offenders 
in a public pillory, as an example to evil-doers. 

He therefore, with infinite trouble, proceeded to 
investigate the history, and collect the statistics 
of verbal vice in Glenwood. This was in many 
respects a tiresome and loathsome task, but his 
indomitable energy triumphed over every form 
of opposition. The fruit of his industry is to be 
found in a E-eport presented by him to the Chief 
Executive ofiicer of the Republic in the words 
and figures following, to wit : 



OFFICIALLY. 273 



REPORT. 



" To the Deacon of Glenwood and Sage of 
Cattaraugus. 

"Mighty Man! 

" The undersigned, Most Worshipful 
Grand Punster of our free and enlightened 
Republic (a Repnblic before whose grandeur, 
the greatness of the United States and Paraguay? 
as described by Messrs. TJrquiza and Bowlin, 
dwindles into littleness), begs leave to present 
his first semi-weekly report. 

"' Without fear, favor, or affection, I have 
undertaken the business assigned to me ; and 
without further or other preliminary observa- 
tions, I shall hold np to public execration a few 
of the most glaring verbal crimes which have 
been committed in onr community during the 
last three days. 

" Ao;ainst the wretched men wdiom I am com- 
polled thus to accuse, as individuals, I cannot 
have the slightest prejudice. I would not do 
them the smallest injury or injustice. On the 
contrary, they have my profoundest commisera- 
tion. But a conscientious regard for my official 
duties constrains me to convict them before an 
enliglitened world. 

" The total number of puns spoken in Glen- 
12* 



.1 



274: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

wood during the time embraced in this report 

is, 5,362 

From this deduct ancient jokes, 5,200 
Jokes without points, . . . 148 

5,348 



Total, 14 

" These fourteen novelties in vice may be cir- 
cumstantially stated as follows : 

" 1. I was lately describing to *The Bishop' a 
wedding I had witnessed in E'ew York, and was 
eulogizing the beauty of the bride, on whom had 
shone the light of only eighteen summers. The 
hardened oifender merely replied : 

" ' You would express her age more satisfac- 
torily, according to the present style of skirts, by 
saying that eighteen springs had passed over her 
head. See advertisement of Douglas & Sher- 
wood.' 

" 2. When I asked that same venerable party, 
why so much larger liberty was allowed to 
widows than to maidens, in society, he disap- 
pointed me thus : 

" ' Did not the Scriptures say, " the widows 
might." ' 

" 3. And when I wished to know why he 
lived in so small a house, he said : 

" ' Small house ! Do you see that portico 
across the gable ? It is certainly a stoop-endous 



DEEADFUL. 2Y5 

" 4. The Deacon of Glenwood, of whom I had 
some hopes, has been among the deeply guilty. 
When a gentleman who resides in Fourth Ave- 
nue, 'Ne^Y York, was complaining that for several 
3^ears he had been obliged to vote in a Livery 
Stable at the corner of Eighteenth street, the 
Deacon comforted him in this wise : 

" ' AVhat you regard as unsavory, I consider 
a good omen for your country. It shows that 
the elective franchise is exercised in a stable 
manner. Tlie laugh comes in in the word 
" manger," sir !' 

" The Commodore of the Glenwood JN^avy is, 
perhaps, one of the vilest sinners of whom I 
have to report. He rolls his wickednesses 
like sweet morsels under his tongue. He has 
a habit of making suggestions of the most 
depraved character — like the following, which 
I quote : 

"5. ' Whether the spring in the side-hill near 
the railroad station of his town might be called 
a run on the Bank of Yonkers.' 

" 6. ' Whether one of the new-fangled meer- 
schaum cigar-tubes, which draws easily, might 
be called a free-holder.' 

" 7. ' Whether a man who resides in a very 
miserable shanty should not be called a pen- 
holder, rather than a house-holder. 

"8. ' Whether, in the event that fresh eggs 
should become scarce at Yonkers, we might not 



276 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

hire tlie sloop Ben Franklin to lay two at tlie 
dock every morning.' 

" 9. The Yice-Admiral is no less gnilty. I hap- 
pened to be walking down to the Chambers 
street Depot with him one evening, when we 
met a newsboy. Colloqny : 

" y. A.— 'Have you got the Fostf 

'' Boy. — ' No, sir — but won't you take the &- 
press, sir? — here, sir — take the J^xpress,' sir. ^ 

"Y. A. — 'I must take a way-train, precious 
youth — the Express does not stop at Yonkers.' 

"10. I^oris the Solicitor- General less rej^re- 
hensible. He was lately breakfasting cnfaTriille 
with a young married couple, whose blessed 
baby had arrived at the period of dentition. 
After the meal was finished, and the young 
mother with her graceful industry was about to 
dispose of the breakfast china, the youngster 
up-stairs set up a terrific howl. Conflict in 
the maternal bosom, Should she attend to the 
coifee-cups first, or to the child? The- Solicitor 
gravely advised her : 

" 'You should take care of the breakfast-things 
first, as the baby is a tea-thing — a play on the 
term bi-cuspid, Madam.' 

" But the vocabulary of vituperation appears 
too limited, when I come to speak of the verbal 
depravity of that unfortunate young man, who is 
somewhat widely known, among us, as tlie 
' Colonel,' He is not content to maltreat tlie 



CLASSIC. , 277 

English and Anglo-American languages, but he 
must also attack the tongue of the noble Romans 
— surveying the possibilities of punning, as it 
were, from a Latting Observatory. A few of his 
attempts read as follows : 

" ' 11. Inscription for a gambler's purse — 
''^ E Plurihus Unum — won from many." 

" ' 12. Motto for a resurrectionist : " De 
ILortuis nil^ nisi JBonum. ^N'othing to do with 
the Dead, except to Bone 'em." 

" ' 13. Sentiment for the supporters of the 
Metropolitan Police Bill : '' Interest Reijpublicce 
sit finis Litiimi — It is for the Interest of Repub- 
lican Lawyers that there should be a Fine Litiga- 
tion." 

" ' 14. Apothegm concerning a pickpocket 
who left a Broadway stage without paying his 
fare : " JBcdsus in imo^ falsus in OmnihusP 

" I will say nothing in regard to these crimes 
of the Colonel. I can only imitate the example 
of the man celebrated for profanity upon whom 
some mischievous boys played a scurvy trick, 
for the express purpose of being entertained by 
his expected imprecations. The boys were dis- 
appointed, for the skillful sw^earer turned to them 
with a look of melancholy and only said : 

" It's no use 1 can't do justice to the subject." 

" Without further words, therefore, the Report 
is respectfully submitted. 

"TheM. W. G. PUNSTEE." 



278 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Marvellous, my gentle Tompkins, was the 
effect of that brief Report. The unfortunate 
criminals, who were thereby exposed, repented 
in diist and ashes, and resolved thenceforth to 
live cleanly. And now throughout Glenwood, 
even from the Quarry at Hastings to the Nun- 
nery at Kiverdale, naught is heard but sweet 
and serious converse : — and when on the Steamer 
I. P. Smith, or in the smoking cars of the Hud- 
son River Railroad, the depraved natives of 
J^yack, Haverstraw, or Tarrytown attempt to 
maltreat their mother tongue, the Men of Glen- 
wood exhibit such sincerely deep disgust, that 
the offenders slink away in utter confusion. 

Faithfully your friend. 

The Translator. 



THE SEVENTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral has been to Washington. His theory of our 
Government. 

To the Erudite Abel Ben Hassan. 

I HAYE been to Washington, and, Allah be 
praised, I have returned in safety to New York. 

On reaching my temporary home at the 
St. Nicholas, yesterday, that experienced youth, 
Tompkins Eifendi, rushed to meet me, and 
saluted me as one might salute a friend who 
had been lately rescued from a watery grave. 

" My precious Pasha, have you really re- 
turned ?" 

'' Yea, verily." 

"Alive and well?" 

" Yea, verily." 

" And your skull is not fractured ?" 

" Not that I am aware of." 

" And your carotid arteries are not cut asun- 
der «" 

" I think not." 

279 



280 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

"But yonr pocket was picked, siirelj '' 

"No." 

" At least your emerald ring was stolen ?" 

"No." 

" Then should you be a grateful Turk." 

I do not exactly know what my lively 
acquaintance meant by these curious questions 
and this strange conclusion. Any one would 
suppose that I had been visiting the grim cave 
of the Forty Thieves, instead of the Federal 
Capital of this great and free country. But 
when I requested him to explain his meaning 
more fully, he only continued — 

"You ought to be the most grateful of Otto- 
mans. You ought to appoint for yourself a 
special day of Thanksgiving, order a private 
Turkey, a personal mince pie, and a strictly indi- 
vidual mug of flip, and celebrate your deliver- 
ance in the good old New England style." 

And that was all the exj^lanation I could 

I ought perhaps to give you a full description 
of the Capital of the United States of America, 
but, really, I am at a loss for something to 
describe. It has no topography — no. com- 
merce — no art — no manufactures — no physical 
characteristics of a city. 

Perhaps it may be best described by saying 
that it is a large lodging-house for the executive, 
legislative, and judicial representatives of the 



A THEORY. 281 

sovereign people. While tliese representatives 
remain in their lodging-house, it flourishes ; when 
they depart, it is like the ruins of Palmyra, and 
the wild beast and the serpent might wander 
safely through its desolate halls. 

But what you chiefly wish to know, O learned 
friend, is the manner in which the business of 
governing is done in Washington. Let me 
briefly unfold this to your oriental mind. 

The representatives of the Sovereign People of 
the United States are original in their theory, and 
aboriginal in their practice, of legislation. 

The theory is that the Best Government is that 
which Governs Least. 

The Members of Congress convene, pledged to 
support this glorious doctrine. From all parts of 
the land they assemble, prepared to do as little 
as possible in the way of governing. They have 
been carefully selected from the numbers of those 
who know nothing about the business of govern- 
ing. They have studiously avoided any prepara- 
tion for the task of Governing. They carefully 
shun any associations, afliliations, afiinities, 
that might by possibility furnish them with any 
knowledge of the subject of Governing. Having 
assembled in solemn conclave, fully imbued with 
this original theory, they commence its abori- 
ginal practice. 

Like the Korth American Lidians, of whom 
you have read in history — they have a Big Talk. 



282 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Before tlie session lias commenced, however, it 
is well known that Kickapoo is to he the snhject 
to be talked about, and every senator and repre- 
sentative is fully prepared to talk about Kickapoo. 
As to the material and moral welfare of Kick- 
apoo, they know nothing and care nothing; but 
as a subject for a Big Talk, they understand it 
thoroughly, and soon the talk begins. 

Mr. Spreadeagle, of the House, gives notice of 
a Bill to Extend the Area of Freedom by Organ- 
izing the Territory of Kickapoo. The bill goes 
to the Committee on Territories, whose chairman 
is hostile to the measure. He combats it from 
motives of the purest patriotism. Is he not a 
Big-Endian, and will not the Territory of Kick- 
apoo send to Congress a Little-Endian delegate, 
and when she becomes a state, Little-Endian 
senators and representatives ? The chairman 
puts the bill in his pocket, and employs his time 
in driving out with the lovely wilV of the gentle- 
man from Arkansas. 

Mr. Spreadeagle grows impatient, and moves 
that the Committee be instructed to bring in the 
Bill: — but just as the motion is about to be 
put 

The Member from Pennsylvania rises to a 
question of privilege. 

His remarks, made in his own district 

during an exciting canvass for Justice of the 
Peace, have been distorted and misinterpreted 



A DEBATE. 283 

by the Metropolitan Tomahawk — the most igno- 
rant, contemptible, dirty 

The Member from New York, second cousin 
of the Editor of the Tomahawk^ expresses the 
opinion that the Gentleman from Pennsylvania 
is a villain. 

Mr. Spreadeagle gives utterance to his convic- 
tion that the Gentleman from New York is a 
drunken liar. 

Sensation. Flashing of bowie knives. A rush 
from different quarters of the chamber. A lull. 
The Member from Pennsylvania explains his 
language by saying that he intended no personal 
allusion to the Gentleman from New York. The 
Gentleman from New York avers that the Mem- 
ber from Pennsylvania is the most upright and 
honorable man on the floor, and that as his 
remark to the contrary was made under the 
excitement of sudden exasperation, he withdraws 
the same. 

The question returns to tlie motion to instruct 
the Committee on Territories to report on Kicka- 
poo. The motion is debated by twenty-fiv^e 
members on each side, each speaking not less 
than three hours. 

The Gentleman from Alabama moves as an 
amendment, that the word " not " be inserted in 
the resolution under discussion, so that it shall 
read that the Committee on Territories be 
instructed not to report on Kickapoo. 



284 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

The debate is renewed and continued for a 
fortnight ; during which time the Gentleman 
from Missouri distinguishes himself bj talking 
three days and a half — the longest speech ever 
made by any man from the beginning of the 
w^orld to the day of the date of this letter. 

At the expiration of this fortnight the Gentle- 
man from Yermont moves an amendment to the 
amendment — that the words "Fejee Islands" be 
inserted in the resolution, in place and stead of 
the word " Kickapoo." 

The Speaker rules that the amendment is out 
of order ; an appeal is taken from his decision ; 
the Speaker holds that the question of appeal 
cannot be discussed ; another appeal is taken, 
and decided against the Speaker. 

The question of the first appeal is thereupon 
discussed for one w^eek — during which period the 
Gentleman from Connecticut favors the House 
with an eloquent review of English Parlia- 
mentary Law and Jefferson's Manual. 

At length the decision of the Speaker is sus- 
tained — when a motion is made to strike out 
from the Resolution everything after the w^ord 
Resolved. More talk. The Gentleman from 
Wisconsin delivers a speech which fills ten 
columns of the Great Western Prairie Hen, and 
"which," says the Editor of that journal, "for 
profound research, and classic elegance, is 
unequalled in the annals of debate." 



MOEE DEBATE. 285 

As he concludes, and the vote on the last 
amendment is about to be taken, the Gentleman 
from Michigan moves that the House adjourn ; 
and as that motion is always in order, the vote is 
taken, and the House adjourns. 

The friends of the Bill are in despair. The 
Senate has just passed a Bill to Organize the 
Territory of Kickapoo, with the proviso that no 
native of Congo or Switzerland shall ever be 
allowed to set foot upon its soil ; and that no one 
shall vote who cannot with his revolver bring 
down six men in six seconds at the distance of 
sixty feet. 

Sensation. The Senate produces the sensation. 
The measure is known as the Six Sixty Bill. It 
goes to the House, and, after an interesting dis- 
cussion of four weeks, is referred to a Special 
Committee ; — and, with singular swiftness, the 
Committee report it in six minutes, without 
amendment. Greater sensation. 

The Lobby — mighty mystery — is too busy for 
the Special Committee, and when the Report 
comes in it is ordered to lie on the table. It lies 
there for one month, and is nearly forgotten ; 
when Mr. Spreadeagle gives notice that he shall 
call up the Bill — the Senate Bill — next w^eek. 

The Bill is called up. The Gentleman from 
Maine ofiers an amendment to the effect that all 
natives of Congo who are whitewashed once a 
month may enter the Territory, and that the 



286 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

Six Sixty Kevolvers shall be of the Pipkin 
patent. 

The debate on this amendment exceeds in 
length any previous one, occupying six weeks, 
inchidino^ the evenino^ sessions. Six of the more 
prominent members speak two days each. The 
Gentleman from Maryland denounces the Pip- 
kin patent, and asserts that Pipkin, the patentee, 
spends all his winters in Washington, dining 
wining and winning the representatives of the 
People. The Gentleman from Florida reviews 
the Scriptural and Ethnological arguments in 
favor of refusing any residence to natives of 
Cono-o, whitewashed or unwhitewashed, and 
proves clearly that they have no business to be 
natives of Congo. Fifteen other gentlemen 
obtain permission to print speeches, which they 
have never liad a chance to deliver, and so the 
country is supplied with waste paper at a postal 
expense of $250,000. 

At last the previous question is moved and 
carried, and the Bill, as amended by the House, 
is passed. It returns to the Senate, and, by w^ay 
of instructive variety, is there debated. The 
Senate orders a Committee of Conference. The 
House does the same. 

The Committee of Conference convene. After 
due deliberation they report in favor of the 
House amendments, provided the House will 
vote an appropriation of $50,000,000 for the 



A COMPEOMISE. 287 

purpose of establishing a line of Ferry Boats 
from San Francisco to the Navigator Islands. 

A majority of the House are in favor of this 
simple compromise — their system of legislation 
being, confessedly, a congeries of compromises — 
but unfortunately only six days of the session 
remain. Twenty members of the opposition 
speak against time, relieving each other like 
sentinels, and instructing the country with 
regard to the prospects of everybody in the 
next Presidential campaign. The momentous 
hour of adjournment arrives. The clock strikes. 
The Speaker's hammer falls. Congress has ad- 
journed. TuE Bill is killed. At the hour of 
adjournment thirty members of the House are 
on the floor, in a technical sense, and twenty-five 
in a literal sense ; and spiteful observers say that 
the supine posture of the latter is to be attributed 
to the effect of stimulating drink. 

But the sublime theory, of which I have 
spoken, has been realized in practice ; and the 
Le2:islature has disbanded without Governino; at 
all. Do you ask what they have done ? Well — 
they have worn a large number of well-cut gar- 
ments — driven a large number of elegant horses 
— aided the cause of temperance by destroying a 
large quantity of alcoholic beverages — played in- 
numerable games of billiards — argued some causes 
in the Supreme Court — combated, with more or 
less success, the great Washington "tiger" — 



288 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

aided a deserving Lobby in the prosecution of 
its shrewd designs — flooded the country with 
printed documents, which are useful for various 
purposes — and drawn their pay and mileage. 

When I asked the youthful Tompkins How 
the Country was Governed, he replied : 

" It kind o' grows." 

And with this luminous response, I suppose 
that you and I must be content. 

In wonder, Thine, 

MOHAIVIMED. 



[Fkom the Solicitoe-Genekai. of Glenwood.] 

Glen WOOD, April, 1859. 
Translator of Mohammed Pasha's Letters. 

Sir: It appears, by the Seventeentli 
Epistle of the Rear Admiral, that neither he, nor 
his acnte friend Tompkins, have discovered the 
secret of the manner in which our Government 
is managed. 

I deem it my duty to enlighten their minds in 
regard to this interesting topic. 

When I visited our Federal Capital some 
winters ago — no matter how many — ^I had the 
honor and pleasure to attend a Levee of the 
President at the Executive Mansion. On the 
evening in question, the crowd was immense ; — 
composed, as you know, of all who chose to 
come and look at the great man whom they had 
helped to make the most important personage in 
the country — (or, as some people will have it, in 
the world) — and fully possessed with that 
athletic selfishness peculiar to American assem- 

13 289 



290 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

blies. Of course there was a jam — nobody 
having the slightest regard for the toilet or 
toes of anybody else. 

The struggle commenced in the Crimson 
Room. Just as I was resigning myself to be 
reduced to the shape and consistency of a warm 
muffin — I was relieved by the sight of a familiar 
face seething in the caldron of countenances. 1 
say I was relieved, for I was glad to see the 
owner of this face, though he was nothing but a 
clerk in the Treasury Department, and under 
other circumstances would probably have been 
as uninteresting a person as you could meet. 
We were floated along together into the Blue 
Room, where we paid our very brief respects to 
the Chief Magistrate, and passed on to the Green 
Room to recover from the damage inflicted by 
the patriotic mob. 

"While we were wiping our brows and arrang- 
ing our shirt-collar, we fell into conversation in 
the usual way — first, the weather — second, the 
ladies — third, politics ; and then my young com- 
panion confided to me what I believe to be the 
real method by which our Federal A flairs are 
controlled. He said : 

"Did you ever see a book entitled, I think, 
the ' Republic of the United States as Traced in 
the Writings of Alexander Hamilton V — l^o ? 
Well, sir, you should read it. It is an interest- 
ing exemplification of filial piety. It will appeal 



MY FATHEE. 291 

directly to your faltli and your feelings. The 
worthy gentleman who wrote that volume, 
proves very clearly that his Father controlled 
the earlier affairs of our Government in a way 
that ordinary readers of history have never 
dreamed of. 

" Curiously enough, my Father in like manner 
controls the present affairs of our Government 
in a way that few persons suspect. There he is, 
now — leaning against the wall in the blue room — 
venerable party with a bald head. You would 
not think that he is in reality the President of 
this Republic — would you ? But he is. I do not 
wish to detract from the well-earned fame of our 
venerable Chief Magistrate, for energy, candor, 
and perspicuity ; but a regard for truth compels 
me to say that my Father is the great Power in 
this land. I will tell you why. 

"The direction of affairs at Washington is in 
the hands of the reporters for the Kew York 
press; my Father is the chief among these 
reporters, and has for several years controlled 
the policy and action of the Government. Of 
course he has never accej^ted a seat in the 
cabinet for that would defeat his plans. He has 
declined all official position, so that he might be 
untrammelled. The way he manages is this : 

" When an important measure is introduced to 
the notice of the Government in any manner, 
upon which action of some sort will have to be 



292 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

taken at some future clay, mj Father immedi- 
ately telegraphs to the Metropolitan Braggadocio 
the decision of the Administration on the sub- 
ject. Of course you understand that no such 
decision is at that time made, indeed the 
announcement appears before the President has 
obtained the information he requires from the 
Departments. But, if my Father determines 
that the course of the Government shall be in 
one direction, he reports that the decision is in 
the opposite direction. He represents the Presi- 
dent as having determined the question, with 
great dispatch, in favor of the very view which 
my Father opposes. 

" One who does not understand the manage- 
ment of my Father, w^ould naturally suppose 
that the President, being thus openly commit- 
ted, would be influenced in favor of the views 
he is represented to have espoused. By no 
means — as you will presently see. Let us illus- 
trate. 

" When my Father telegraphed to the Brag- 
gadooio that the Administration would certainly 
carry through the proposed Tax on Frying Pans 
— the excitement in New York was great. The 
journals of the Opposition denounced the scheme 
as a despotic invasion of the hearthside, and a 
violation of the Lares — and predicted that if the 
President should persist in his wdcked course, he 
would not only involve the coimtry in a terrible 



A BEOIL. 293 

broil, but would himself fall from tlie frying pan 
into the fire. 

'' As the great city papers snarled, the little 
country papers yelled with frenzy. A Tax on 
Frying Pans ? — the scheme was too atrocious for 
patient consideration. 

" Public opinion began to be roused. Country 
gentlemen wrote letters to country members 
in Congress — some expressing the hope that the 
Kepresentatives of the People would not eat, 
sleep, or shave, until the abominations of the 
Administration were exposed, and visited with 
the indignation of all good men. 

" Other country gentlemen agreed in the 
main with the Administration, but expressed the 
fear that the country at large might regard the 
proposed action as hasty. 

" Others suggested that a slight modification 
of the view taken by the Administration might, 
with entire safety, be conceded to the Oppo- 
sition. 

" A few country gentlemen in the South wrote 
to express their entire satisfaction with the 
measure. They did not use frying pans — they 
baked their hoe-cakes in the ashes — and they 
should be pleased to see the doughnut-devouring 
Yankees roundly taxed for the use of their 
fanatical and atheistic pans. 

"Thereupon all the country members who 
had received letters from their constituents, ran 



294: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

to the White House, and squirmed nervously 
until admitted to the President, and permitted to 
discuss the subject with him. 

" The President was astonished to learn that 
the report in question had been set afloat. [He 
had read it a week ago, in the Braggadocio]. 
He would take measures to prevent the currency 
of such misstatements in the future. It would 
give him iiiimense satisfaction to know the name 
of the malicious person who put forth the story. 

[" He knew perfectly well that it was my 
Father, for he often jokes with him now about 
the Tax on Frying Pans.] 

"The country members went away chap- 
fallen. They had not helped the President, nor 
had he asked or required their assistance. He 
knew perfectly well how the land of Public 
Opinion lay. He did not flatter anybody by 
asking information on the subject; but actually 
quenched those who brought the information 
with an overwhelming sense of his own supe- 
riority. 

" My Father telegraphed again, announcing a 
new and quite inconsistent plan of action for the 
Administration. This movement brought about 
the President's ears a new swarm of hornets. 
His political enemies were, of course, united in 
abuse, but his friends were disconcerted and 
divided by the conflicting announcements. Quar- 
relling among themselves, their efibrts only 



MY FATHEE. 295 

tended to embarrass the President still more. 
He was still uncommitted, yet lie hardly knew 
how to decide. 

" In this way my Father pulled the wires tele- 
graphic, announcing all sorts of decisions except 
the one he wished to see adopted. Every fresh 
announcement produced fresh dissatisfaction. 
The President was hedged in on all sides, but 
one, and on that side there was only a single 
path of escape — leading directly into my Father's 
traj). 

" The President was obliged to take this path, 
and it was at last announced officially, and, this 
time, correctly, that the Administration did not 
entertain, and never had entertained, for a 
moment, the idea of laying a Tax on Frying 
Pans — that the genius of our Government for- 
bade such a measure — that the parties who had 
asserted the contrary were calumniators and 
villains — as black and loathsome as the Adminis- 
tration w^as immaculate and noble. 

"So the opposition press was utterly con- 
founded, and the President gained great re- 
nown. 

" And my Father ? — why he never for a 
moment wished that a Tax should be laid on 
Frying Pans. Was he not employed by a large 
number of manufacturers to prevent its imposi- 
tion ? Of course he was, and you see how skill- 
fully he did it — ^liow he united the opposition, 



296 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

divided the councils of those whom he had 
represented to be in favor of the measure, and 
at last sounded the praises of the President be- 
cause he determined to strangle the scheme. My 
Father, sir, is the sire of the great and glorious 
Anti-Tax-on-Frying-Pans principle, so firmly 
laid in the platform of the present Administra- 
tion, and of many other equally glorious princi- 
ples of our Party." 

1 left the Clerk of the Treasury Depart- 
ment, wandered into the East Room (which a 
Wall street friend of mine, with great disre- 
spect, describes as " a huge grog-shop, sir " — ) 
passed into the hall, and took French leave of 
the Executive. 

I am inclined to think that the theory of my 
acquaintance is correct — and that his Father, in 
reality, rules om' great and glorious country. 

Sincerely, 

W. 



THE EIGHTEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral considers the Code of Honor : and 
Other Things. 

Beloved Abel. 

It is a melancholy fact that men will quarrel. 
It is a refreshing fact that there is at least one 
creed on earth which is adapted to the peaceful 
settlement of quarrels. 

This creed is professed in the city of Washing- 
ton. Washington is a Christian community. It 
has several large churches, over which several 
learned and eloquent divines preside. The people 
are governed by the doctrines of the Christian 
religion — the chief of which doctrines is that we 
should forgive our enemies. 

Do you wish to know how this noble maxim is 
exemplified in Washington life? In the most 
ingenious and instructive manner. 

You can readily see, my charming friend, that 
if you w^ere to forgive your enemy quietly and 
privately, the moral effect of your magnanimity 

13* 297 



298 THE PASHA PAPEKS. 

would be in a great measure lost. Forgiveness 
of injuries should therefore be exercised in the 
most notorious manner, so that everybody may 
witness the edifying spectacle, and be profited 
thereby. 

Suppose we briefly consider the several steps 
of this public Christian." clemency. 

The Honorable Peter Funk, during the pro- 
gress of the famous debate upon the Bill for the 
Improvement of Barnacle Beach, proves himself 
an undiluted enemy of the Hon. Benjamin 
Bunkum. In the course of a lengthy harangue, 
(" than which," said the Funktown Free Trader^ 
"nothing in all oratory is more thrilling and 
tremendous") he asserts that the grandfather of 
Bunkum was a tory and a toady ; that Bunkum 
himself is a delusive demagogue ; that Bunkum 
has doubtless been paid roundly for advocating 
the reckless expenditure of the People's money 
upon the desolate shores of Barnacle; — that 
whether he has been so bribed or not is a matter 
of little consequence, when it is well known that 
the constituents of Bunkum are scaly fishermen, 
and their representative a jelly-fish ; 

At this point the Honorable Benjamin 
Bunkum hurls his inkstand at the Honorable 
Peter Funk's head. Funk gracefully dodges the 
inkstand, and returns a volume of the Congres- 
sional Globe — decidedly the heaviest missile that 
could be thrown. 



FEIENDLY EPISTLES. 299 

Bunkum avoids the yolume, rushes to the seat 
of Funk, and takes that gentleman by the throat. 

Funk grasps Bunkum by the hair. Tableau. 

The friends of the parties separate them, and 
the debate proceeds. 

On the following morning the Honorable 
Peter Funk receives a letter, couched in this 
language — 

"Sir: 

" The insults offered to my honor, yesterday, demand 
either an instant apology, or the satisfaction due to a gentle- 
man. 

" My friend, General Slash, has kindly consented to represent 
me in the settlement of the affair. 

" Your obedient servant, 

" B. Bunkum." 

To which the Honorable Peter Funk replies — 

"Sir: 

" I have no apologies to offer. 
" I leave the matter entirely in the hands of my esteemed 

friend Colonel Dash, 

" Your obedient servant, 

" P. Funk." 

And thereupon General Slash and Colonel 
Dash meet to arrange the preliminaries of a duel 
- — for you must know, O friend, that the meaning 
of the mysterious missives above set forth is, 
briefly, this : " You have insulted me, and I 
therefore request as a particular favor that, with- 
out further delay, you will shoot me, if you can." 



300 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

Tlie first tiling to be done is to make the mat- 
ter as public as possible. The correspondents of 
the press are therefore set to work. They circu- 
late a number of stories that do not entirely 
agree ; That Funk has challenged Bunkum — 
that Bunkum has challenged Funk — that 
Bunkum has accepted the challenge — that Funk 
has accepted the challenge — that Bunkum has 
not accepted the challenge — that Funk has not 
accepted the challenge — that Bunkum has chosen 
broadswords for his weapons — that Funk has 
chosen Kentucky rifles for his — that the parties 
will fight in a dark room with bowie knives — 
that the weapons have not been chosen at all — 
that the duellists will fight at Niagara Falls — • 
that the encounter will take place at Harper's 
Ferry — that the belligerents will meet at 
Hoboken — that it is uncertain where they will 
meet — that the wife of Funk is crazy with terror 
— that the Father of Bunkum is cool and col- 
lected — that Funk has no wife — that Bunkum's 
father is in Australia — that the parties have been 
bound over to keep the peace — that they have 
not been bound over to keep the peace — that 
they will not keep the peace whether they are 
bound over or not. 

Then General Slash and Colonel Dash dispute 
about the rights of their principals. 

Bunkum had no right to challenge Funk, for 
Funk was the insulted party. 



MOKE EUMOES. 301 

Funk lias perhaps a riglit to choose the 
weapons, but Bunkum has a right to choose the 
ground. 

If General Slash msists upon his construction 
of the Code, he will be held personally responsi- 
ble by Dash. 

If Dash insists upon his construction of 

the Code, he will be held personally responsible 
by Slash. 

The correspondents of the press renew their 
exertions : 

There is a prospect of a difficulty between 

the seconds — the report of a prospect of difficulty 
between the seconds is incorrect — General Slash 
will certainly challenge Colonel Dash — there is 
no truth in the rumor that General Slash will 
challeno^e Colonel Dash — General Slash has 
challenged Colonel Dash — Colonel Dash has 
challensced General Slash — Colonel Dash has not 
challenged General Slash — the widowed aunt of 
General Slash is distracted — the alleged widowed 
aunt is a second cousin whose second husband is 
still livino^ — the asced mother of Colonel Dash 
has had an affecting interview with her son, in 
which she displayed a heart-rending maternal 
agony, only equalled by the manly, yet tenderly 
filial, firmness of the latter — Colonel Dash has 
no mother, that venerable lady having been 
killed by being thrown from a buggy some 
twenty years ago. 



302 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

The excitement increases. Tlie illustrated 
newspapers teem with pictorial intelligence.* 
Among other woodcuts we have — 

A portrait of the Honorable Mr. Funk 

from a photograph. 

A portrait of the Honorable Mr. Bunkum 

from the same source. 

A portrait of General Slash from a minia- 
ture by Staigg. 

A portrait of Colonel Dash from a draw- 
ing by Elliott. 

A portrait of Mr. Funk's wife, represent- 
ing her as she would have appeared if she had 
ever existed. 

A lively representation of the battle in 

the House during the debate upon the Barnacle 
Bill. 

A view of Barnacle Beach as it now 

looks. 

A view of the same interesting locality as 

it will probably look when the Bill shall have 
been passed and the improvements made. 

The inkstand that was hurled at the head 

of Funk. 

Tlie Congressional Globe that was 

returned. 

* The word "intelligence" is applied somewhat freely in 
reference to the contents of newspapers ; certainly not in the 
sense in which it is used when we speak of " a person of intelli- 
gence." — Trans. 



FULL PAETICULAES. 303 

Tlie i^en witli whicli the challenge was 

written. 

A fac-simile of the challenge itself. 

Yiew of the broadswords which Bunkum 

was said to have chosen. 

Yiew of the Kentucky rifles which it is 

generally conceded that Funk did not choose. 

Yiew of the dark room and bowie-knives 

which, it was alleged, would be selected. 

Yiew of the grave of Dash's mother, with 

the poetical inscription giving an account of her 
death. 

Portrait of a greyhound once owned by 

the first husband of Slash's second cousin. 

The belligerents as they appeared after 

they were bound over to keep the peace; 
including a profile of the magistrate who bound 
them over. 

General Slash as he appeared shaving 

himself on Tuesday morning, showing the ex- 
pression of the General's face as he reaped his 
upj)er lip. 

The second husband of the General's 

second cousin, digging gold in Australia: — 
and 

General view of the harbor of Melbourne. 

The country begins to be convulsed. The 
telegraph wires thrill with conflicting messages. 
The newsboys proclaim extra editions with the 
latest particulars. Expectation is not content 



304: THE PASHA PAPERS. 

witli standing on tip-toe — slie climbs to tlie tops 
of the highest trees. 

Then comes the denouement which is to 
prove that Funk and Bunkum and Slash and 
Dash, instead of being cut-throats and heathen, 
are magnanimous philanthropists and clement 
Christians. A card appears in the Washington 
newspapers : 

To THE Public. 

" It gives us pleasure to state that the painful personal 
difficulty between the Honorable Peter Funk and the Hon. 
Benjamin Bunkum, has been satisfactorily adjusted without 
prejudice to the honor of either party. 

" The insinuations, inkstand, and Congressional Globe have 
been withdrawn in the order in which they were thrown out. 

(Signed) 

" A. Savage Slash. 
0. Rush Dash." 

And thus you see the great fundamental doc- 
trine with which we set out is obeyed in the 
most open and impressive way — a way far more 
exemplary than any private obedience could be. 
The whole world sees, and is glad to see, and is 
profited by seeing, how the Honorable Members 
forgive their respective injuries, love their res- 
pective enemies, and respectively bless those 
who curse them ; — and moreover, the virtue of 
the Honorable Members, has its own reward, for 
thenceforth, in politics and society, they are 



ANOTHER WAT. 305 

considered greater and better men than ever 
before. 

Have I not often told you, O delight of my 
diaphragm, that the Americans are the most 
ingenious people under the sun ? 

I regret to say, however, that there are some 
of the great men of this country who are not so 
exemplary in their display of the self-denying 
virtue of forgiveness. 

When the Hon. Mr. Blab accused the Hon. Mr. 
Slab of all sorts of iniquities, S. went immedi- 
ately to the room of B. at one of the Washing- 
ton hotels, and a private fight there took place, 
resulting in great damage to the countenances 
and clothes of both parties. As there were no 
spectators present at this important combat, the 
Public Mind was prodigiously vexed by the con- 
flicting accounts which were circulated by enter- 
prising reporters. To quiet the Public Mind, 
and at the same time relieve the future historians 
of the United States from a host of embarrass- 
ments, Mr. S. wrote a veracious statement of the 
entire afiair and sent it to one of the morning 
journals for publication. Curiously enough, Mr. 
B., on the same day, wrote a veracious statement 
of the entire affair, sent it to the same journal, 
and the two descriptions were published on the 
same^norning. I will copy them for you, in 
order that you may note their coincidences : 



306 



THE PASHA PAPERS. 



A CARD. 



*' In consequence of the many 
false and absurd stories which 
have been circulated in regard 
to the rencontre between my- 
self and Mr. Slab, I deem it 
proper to publish this personal 
statement. 

" On the morning of the 23d 
instant, I was awakened by a 
knock at my door, to which I 
immediately replied — " Who's 
there ?" No answer was re- 
turned, but the door was burst 
open, and Mr. Slab entered 
and closed it behind him. See- 
ing that he held a cowhide in 
his hand, and was advancing 
in a threatening manner, I 
sprang from my bed, seized 
him by the neck, and, snatch- 
ing the whip from his grasp, 
administered to him a severe 
thrashing. Though physically 
a stronger man than myself, 
his courage forsook him, and 
in accents of humble entreaty 
he begged me to let him go. 
I then took him by the ears 
and led him out of the room. 

"The above is a concise and 
truthful statement of the cir- 
cumstances of this case. In 
regard to the charges brought 
by me against Mr. S., I have 
only to say that I am prepared 



" In consequence of the many 
false and absurd stories which 
have been circulated in regard 
to the rencontre between my- 
self and Mr. Blab, I deem it 
proper to publish this personal 
statement. 

" On the morning of the 23d 
instant, I knocked at the door 
of Mr. Blab's room, and imme- 
diately received the reply of 
" Who's there ?" I gave my 
name, but no answer being re- 
turned I opened the door and 
entered, closing it behind me. 
Mr. B., seeing that I held a 
cowhide in my hand, and was 
advancing toward him, sprang 
from his bed. I seized him by 
the neck, and holding him firm- 
ly in my grasp, administered 
to him a severe thrashing. 
Though physically a stronger 
man than myself, his courage 
forsook him, and in accents of 
humble entreaty he begged me 
to let him go. I then took 
him by the ears, led him to the 
washstand, left him, and re- 
tired from the room. 

" The above is a concise and 
truthful statement o| 
cumstances of this ca 
regard to the charges brought 
against me by Mr. B., I am 



)^j|be cir- 
case. In 



IJNCEETAINTT. 307 

to prove the truth of them by prepared to prove the falsity 

the most explicit and reliable of them, by the most explicit 

evidence. and reliable evidence. 

"John Blab." "John Slab." 

Tlius the country is left in a state of painful 
uncertainty with regard to the merits of this 
controversy. And I think it would puzzle even 
the most acute Yankee to get at the real history 
of the case. 

Yaguely Thine, 

Mohammed. 



THE NINETEENTH EPISTLE. 

The Rear Admiral weighs Anchor, and writes a few Valedic 
tory Remarks. 

To my Learned^ Experienced^ and Delightful Young Friend^ 
Tompkins Effendi. 

The Blue Peter, delicious youth, is flying at the 
fore. The good shij) lies in the stream, " hove 
short" to the anchor. The topsails are brailed 
up ready to be shaken out. The boatswain is 
piping all hands to the windlass. 'Tis flood 
tide and a snoring breeze blows from the nor'- 
west. 

In less nautical, though perhaps more intelli- 
gible terms, I am about to leave the city of New 
York, and the Occidental World. 

Already I scud in fancy over the waves of the 
rough Atlantic, and the blue billows of the 
Mediterranean : — already the fair waters of the 
Golden Horn, the white walls and dark ver- 
dure of Stamboul and the skyish head of blue 
Olympus, rise before my delighted eyes. _g^ 

We have spoken many words to each^^er, 
my Tompkins, in a free and easy way, concern- 
ing the things seen by me in this large city ; and 



EETEOSPECTIVE. 809 

manj epistles have I written on the same sub- 
jects to my well beloved Abel, the Son of 
Hassan (whom may Allah love !) — and now 
that I am homeward bound, I have taken pen in 
hand to tell you some thoughts that have crossed 
my mind about the people and prospects of your 
country at large. 

What shall I say ? I am neither a seer nor a 
sage — simply a sailor, interested mostly in the 
latest improvements in steam-frigates. But I 
should be more or less than a man, if I could 
turn my back upon this ISTew World without 
some serious thoughts. Do not think, O honey- 
tongued bulbul, that I have seen nothing here 
except the social follies, poKtical corruption, mad 
speculation, many-colored falsities, which I 
noticed in my letters to Hassan's son. 

I have seen in your country many elements of 
progress in what is beneficent and beautiful. 

You have a sea-coast large enough for the 
most energetic commercial enterprise: rivers, 
canals, and railways, weaving a net-work of 
arteries through which the material wealth of 
the land circulates; a soil fertile enough to 
satisfy the most ambitious farmer ; historical 
associations impressive enough to prompt the 
m^^devoted patriotism ; scenery lovely and 
giUP enough to inspire the purest and most 
varied imaginings of art. 

You have a clear, brisk climate, peculiarly 
adapted to nurture an elastic, sensitive physical 



310 THE PASHA PAPERS. 

organism in the people — large brains, bright 
eyes, quick-thrilling nerves, mnscles somewhat 
slender, but lithe and swift as those of the 
leopard — an organism that is ready to do all sorts 
of material and mental work in a rapid and dex- 
terous manner. 

The blood of your people is good. Its chief 
component, I suppose, is the Anglo-Saxon cur- 
rent, which has streamed down from the healthy 
blue-eyed Germans — holding in solution such 
characteristic ideas as those of personal inde- 
pendence, spirituality of faith, and home ; — the 
first insuring the superb freedom of the indi- 
vidual — the second a severe and sublimated 
religious culture — and the last combining the 
two former in a dear vital reality — as the statue 
of the ancient artist was warmed into life for 
domestic joy. 

And with these fine Saxon traits are mingled 
the nobility of the Normans and the vivacity of 
the Celts. 

With such a heritage of country and charac- 
ter, I can foresee nothing but the highest success 
for the United States of America— unless they 
squander their portion. 

Allah — who alone is truly wise and great — 
has decreed that the sceptre of power sfee^ild 
pass from the East to the West. We of the 
Orient have reached our grand climacteric, and 
can only sit quietly with folded hands in the 
peaceful reveries of old age, and watch while the 



HOPE. ^ 311 

younger nations wrestle for tlie wreaths of re- 
nown, or fight the battles of duty. We had our 
day and opportunity some centuries ago — and 
now your time has come. 

And such an age — ^in which the gait of 

progress is so august, the aspect of events so dig- 
nified and dense with meaning, the life of man 
so rife with responsibility ! 

If I do not greatly err, the world looks 

to America with longing eyes, hoping to see a 
nobler national life than has ever yet been wit- 
nessed on the earth ; — a life in which the widest 
personal liberty shall be reconciled with a gov- 
ernment of truest power — the widest scope of 
thought with the greatest reverence for Him 
who gave lis faculties of thought — a life in 
which shall be garnered the richest fruits of the 
earth's experience of what is lovely, and good, 
and great. For such a national life as this, the 
thoughtful men of all time have yearned with 
desire unutterable— and died without the sight 
— for the ways of Providence are inscrutable, 
and no mortal can retard or accelerate his 
chariot wheels. But so far as we may judge, 
the time has come for America, under His guid- 
ance, to achieve great things. You will not dis- 
ap]^flfe||^ * 

-^^IPvhat virtue and vigilance should you 
exercise ! The movement of your nation is like 
that of one of your own railway trains, swift, 
splendid, powerful— and, if rightly controlled, 



312 THE PASHA PAPEES. 

effective and safe. 'No dromedary can do the 
work of this fiery, steel-sinewed steed. But 
what intelligent skill is essential in the engineer 
— what care in the conductor — what unanimity 
in the brakemen — what watchfulness in those 
who have charge of the track! Suppose the 
managers of the railway should select an engi- 
neer merely because he had black eyes, and a 
conductor merely because he had curly hair, and 
no brakemen but those who disbelieved the 
Atomic Theory, and no flagmen but those who 
were in favor of a United States Bank — without 
regard to their real qualifications for duty ; — and 
suppose that while these appointed agents were 
neglecting their business, an embankment should 
be washed away, and the w^hole train hurled into 
the abyss and dashed to pieces : — would not the 
employers be justly held responsible for the 
wreck ? 

Oh that the people of the United States would 
remember two most notable facts— that each one 
of tliem is a trustee of a great fund of civilization, 
skill, knowledge, freedom, justice, and love, for 
the benefit of all the world ; — and that each will 
have to give some account of his trust. 

Farewell, my beloved Tompkins. May your 
beard grow like the lion's — as your courage and 
magnanimity resemble his ! '^ 



6 5^ 



Fa^hfully, 

M0HA3IMED. 







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